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Long Awkward Pause’s Tips On Pasta

Pasta.

We all love it. Even if someone says they don’t…they secretly do. It’s too multifaceted not to love. It comes in too many shapes and sizes not to love. There are too many sauce choices to go with it, not to love.

You can serve it as a side dish. You can serve it as the main entree. You can eat it out of a bowl. You can eat it on a plate.

You can eat it hot. You can eat it cold. You can eat it with a fox. You can eat it in a….box…

We’re not sure if this introduction is sounding like Dr. Seuss or Bubba from Forrest Gump in an alternate universe where he dreams of pasta and not shrimp.

h

Anyway, like I was sayin’, pasta is the fruit of Italy. You can stir it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey’s uh, ravioli, mini ravioli, jumbo ravioli. Canned, frozen, buffet. There’s alfredo pasta, lemon pasta, tomato pasta, shrimp pasta, raimen, pasta and meatballs, pasta salad, pasta and potatoes, pasta tacos, pasta sandwich. That- that’s about it.

 

Any-who…

Here are some helpful tips for successfully getting the most from your pasta experience:

Tip #1:

Pasta tastes much better if it’s cooked. You can eat it raw, but it will be very crunchy. If you go the raw route, we suggest using a red sauce.

Tip #2:

If you decide to cook your pasta, do not glue it in the shape of a sun on a piece of construction paper first. If you go with the glued pasta anyway, make sure it’s a non toxic glue.

Tip #3:

Pasta is very versatile. It can be used as either a main entree or as a side dish. We would not recommend using it as both in the same meal. Example: Spaghetti and Meatballs with a side of Macaroni & Cheese would be a bad combination.

Tip #4:

After cooking the pasta, be sure to drain the water off before adding any type of sauce. If you decide not to drain the water, your pasta will get really fat. On a side note, if you eat nothing but pasta, you will get really fat.

Tip #5:

There are many different types of sauce to add to your pasta from Tomato to Alfredo.

Warning: Do not be fooled by the Vodka sauce, it will not get you drunk if you drink it straight from the jar, and it makes a poor Martini.

Tip #6:

There are many types and shapes of pasta. Here is a chart to know which is which:

 

Spaghetti

Spaghetti

 

Macaroni (no cheese)

Macaroni (no cheese)

 

This is a picture of Macaroni having sex. I didn’t mean to include this picture. It’s from my personal pasta porn collection. Sorry, but hey grow up…where do you think pasta comes from?

This is a picture of Macaroni having sex. Don’t make that face! Where do you think pasta comes from anyway?

 

Tubes or Tubey or Tubies. If one of your friends calls them Penne then they are just being pretentious.

Tubes or Tubey or Teletubies. If any of your friends call them Penne, then they are just being pretentious.

 

rotini

Multi-colored Rotini. Don’t eat the green ones, the have turned bad and are spoiled. Just pick those out with your fingers.

 

Bowtie Pasta

Bowtie Pasta

 

Ravioli

Ravioli

 

Mini Ravioli

Mini Ravioli

We hope this helps.

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About Christopher De Voss (132 Articles)
One Of The Hosts Of Podcast 42. Online Producer for The Over The Line Show. Voice over actor, writer on various websites, published author, should not eat cheese but still does. Follow me on twitter: @chrisdevoss

40 Comments on Long Awkward Pause’s Tips On Pasta

  1. Ha! Great post 😀

    Like

  2. There are legends of pasta growing wild in Sherwood Forest.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. nice ! thanks for this 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Don’t even start up about ORZO – pasta that’s like rice…butr not and it goes in soups…or not

    Like

  5. I LOOOOVVVEEEE you, pasta!!

    Like

  6. Looks like my Macaroni’s hyper sexual..

    Like

  7. In Japan you can eat pasta on a bun….

    Like

  8. Pasta…and sauce! Sauteed garlic and onion. Add fresh tomato, pepper, mushroom, asparagus, zuccini, carrot. The herbs too. Basil, oregano, parsley. Add cheese in the sauce and put a bit more on top. Pasta = yum.

    Like

  9. Tip # 7: If you’re throwing a pirate party that has pasta as main or side dish, and you’re going to have pirate names, be sure to call yourself Penne Pastafarian. Helps explain the weirdness of the menu choice.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I love egg pasta, egg pasta that I have made myself (not to brag or anything but I am a very good cook), though my teenage boy does not like vegetables added to his precious bland white rice.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hey, I disagree with Tip #3! Why not have both? Pasta for breakfast, pasta for lunch…That’s a little cheer for you and your post. Go pasta!

    Like

  12. And it’s great for support groups for people who are afraid of the future. They can always live in the pasta.

    Like

  13. You forgot pasta as wall decoration

    Like

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