We, at Long Awkward Pause, have been complaining for years now about Cats taking over the internet. We first noticed the cat infiltration happening as early as 1973.
You see, cats are smart. They are not just trying to take over the internet in a single day.
They have slowly and methodically, kilobyte by kilobyte taking over the web-o-sphere for the last 41 years.
This way, no one really notices.
We are way too observant. We see your Caturday. We see your memes. We understand that you sent Grumpy Cat as an ambassador of goodwill, humor, and irritability to trick our old people with your grouchy-faced cuteness.
Cats can’t read! Why do they need to dominate the internet?
Is it just a ploy so they can eventually get paypal accounts and order catnip without any help from Amazon.com? Why is catnip, which is essentially ecstasy for felines, legal anyway? Is it because cats have better legal representation in the supreme court?
(Do cats have lawyers?)
This was not exactly how this introduction was suppose to go.
The cats…just piss us off.
And make us sneeze.
1. The Nutcracker
Omawarisan: Both the cat and the guy display considerable skill by getting their bodies into this position. I could not do it. Perhaps what I mean by that is that I could not find a good reason to do it.
Ned: I actually performed a similar move once, when I tried running through a sprinkler while carrying an actual cat. By the time I was done getting scratched, I had about the same amount of clothing left, too.
Chris: I could get into that position easily. Getting out of it is another story.
Calahan: Ah, the infamous invisible tug o’war of 2011 between Mr. Six Pack Abby and Mr. Tabby. I lost a lot of money on that game. I had fake my own death for insurance money.
Chowderhead: I’m kinda drunk right so at first I thought that was a cat boner. Seriously, look at that digit. If you squint, that is definitely a cat boner. A fucking big one. Disproportionate, actually.
2. Here’s Meowing At You Kid
Omawarisan: If I had that hair, I’d be pensive too. “What was I thinking? Can I return this hair cut?”
Ned: Shaved pussy, unshaved pussy. (Sorry, I’ll start packing my things…)
Chowderhead: Bye Ned. I’ll miss your brownies on Mondays. :,(
Chris: Here is what they are really thinking: ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter.’
Calahan: “You can dress up all you want, Devon. I am still not taking you back. Maybe your old tricks work on kittens, but I’m a full-grown cat. I’m 2, Devon, not 2 months. Just go.”
3. Why Bother With Shoes?
Omawarisan: I’m pretty sure I was there when that woman’s picture was taken. AC/DC concert, three years ago. She was one of those women who just gets in line and goes in the men’s room. Pretty blasted. Boom, down she goes. Sadly her cat has seen the picture and constantly mocks her.
Ned: Looking at that cat, I’m just glad Lady Gaga kept her legs together.
Katie: I think I have more questions about the man the cat is doing this pose atop. What’s his story? I bet he has a snappy belt collection.
Chris: Leave it to Katie to notice their was a man in the picture. All I saw was cat butt hole.
Calahan: That has to be one of the sexiest crime scene photos I’ve ever seen! Oh, and there’s a cat picture. Not as sexy.
Chowderhead: This calls for some Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass.
4. I’m Too Sexy For My Overalls
Omawarisan: This has very little to do with this. I was in Oshkosh once. You know those cute overall you buy for your
cat kids? they don’t make them there.
Ned: And people wonder why cats sometimes — quite unexpectedly — try ripping open one of our arteries. The same can be said for starving supermodels.
Katie: Clearly not a ’90s cat. No one from the ’90s looked sullen wearing overalls.
Calahan: It was down to two actresses, now. One of them would win the coveted role of Sexy Sidekick in the next Larry the Cable Guy direct-to-DVD film.
5. What’s The Next Note?
Ned: In his latest role, Johnny Depp provides the voice of a legless, piano-playing cat in Disney’s tale of self acceptance called “B-Flat.”
Chris: Hey cat! The term is, ‘Tickling the ivories!’ Dumb ass.
Calahan: Clearly, the cat died from second-hand smoke. Way to go, Johnny Depp!
Chowderhead: Tthe secondd ‘P’ is redundantt, Depp.
6. Holy Cod Piece Batman!
Ned: After many years inside Batman’s utility shorts protecting the “Wayne Family Jewels,” Batcat hung up his mask and retired to a life of licking himself. “I just can’t seem to feel clean anymore,” he said.
Chris: Bob Kane just rose from his grave, looked at these pictures, and killed himself again.
Calahan: Correct, Chris. Bob Kane rose from his grave, look at these pictures, high-fived dead Liberace, then went for cocktails.
Chowderhead: Hey, Calahan, you said “cock”.
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