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Guest Post: Bucket List

angelle

Angelle doesn’t like cilantro, likes inappropriate jokes, and is dating Superman.

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You’re about to turn 30.

What have you done?

30 is SO OLD. Like, really, really old. You might even remember that time before cell phones and the internet when life was super boring and we were all just waiting for the next Austin Powers movie to come out. So as your birthday looms nearer and you are almost through the haze of your 20′s, you frantically scribble out your “Bucket List” at 3am and share it with your friends.

Amateur.
I’ve already done it.*

Behold, My “Already Did That” list!

1). Swim with Sharks: I wouldn’t say I’m a “Jacques Cousteau-esque, shark whisperer”, but I wouldn’t NOT say that either. I even got out of the cage and fed them like seals. Stop being boring, live a little.

2). Climb Mt. Everest: They say climbing up Mt. Everest isn’t a “challenge” anymore. Well, to make it more interesting I strapped a Sherpa to my back and carried HIM up the mountain. Of course there are no pictures. I had a Sherpa strapped to my back.

3). Deep Sea Diving: I’m an honorary mermaid now. Deal with it.

4). Mentoring a Child: I taught an orphan child to read. Now he’s working at NIH in the Leukemia research division. He’s 9.

5). Take Cooking Classes: After successfully completing Wolfgang Puck’s online course “Cook. Love. Eat” I will be opening my 4th restaurant in August. It’s Mexican-Austrian Fusion-Fusion. You’ll love the Schnitzel Enchiladas.

6). Learn to Knit: Expect your sweater soon. No need to send measurements. I’M THAT GOOD.

7). Write a Book: Well I wrote a whole trilogy. It’s called Elves of the L’nai and the mythology is pretty complicated, but I developed their language in about a week while I was staying with the Pohnpeian peoples of the Isle of Pohnpei in Micronesia.

8). Learn a Trade: I learned the sacred art of shark calling from the proud people of Tembin, located in the New Ireland region of Papua New Guinea. Hence, my shark whisperer talents mentioned in number 1.

Future “I Already Did That” List:
Save the Sea Turtles: Done
Go to Space: Fly me to the moon, Richard Branson!

*Of course I haven’t done any of these things. I don’t think any of us can live up to the standards of the “Screaming Facebook Moms” and I spent a long time trying to keep up with exotic vacation destinations, the latest exercise crazes, and cake pop recipes. Until I realized I hated wine, I don’t have kids or a husband, and all I wanted to do was write, drink whiskey, and read lots of books. So, defy the wholesome families on Facebook, stop competing for the perfectly filtered Instagram picture, and do makes you happy.

This post inspired by that friend on Facebook who’s been to one yoga class and now wants to be your life coach.

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28 Comments on Guest Post: Bucket List

  1. Eh sorry, did you say f*ck it list? I’m over 40 which makes me ancient and the hearing isn’t as sharp as it once was…funny post. :0)

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  2. This was awesome. I’m gonna send it to my best friend…as soon as I come down off Mt. Everest.
    Drink whiskey and write…I want that day job!
    Great post!

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    • Be careful on the climb down. Much more treacherous. I made it just fine.

      Thank you for reading and I’m glad you enjoyed it!

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  3. Shark calling? Just borrow money from some seedy guys in New Jersey or Las Vegas, and you’ll have sharks calling YOU.

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  4. your post has inspired me to write my bucket list!!! 🙂

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  5. Your inspiration is brilliant, can you friend suggest me to her? I need a life coach and she sounds perfect.

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  6. I would have a witty comment for you, but I’m still laughing at the fact that you think 30 is old 😉

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  7. Now I feel older. Hilarious post, btw. Love that last sentence.

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  8. You crack me up! And who doesn’t love the perfection splattered all over Facebook? If nothing else, you can use it to induce vomiting if you ever need it ;).

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    • Facebook and I have a tumultuous relationship. I try to stay away, but sometimes my friends dress their babies in really cute outfits AND I GET PULLED BACK IN!

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  9. I don’t mean to brag, but my Already Did That list is almost endless. Why, just the other day, I added #4,582 – Walk into a door jamb.
    Sounds simple? It wasn’t.

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  10. Enjoyed the sarcasm.

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  11. I am putting “become a mermaid” at the very top of my bucket list.

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    • That should be at the top of everyone’s list. Right along with chocolate. Why chocolate? I don’t know. Stop asking me questions.

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  12. This is especially hilarious because I just came from a bucket list blog. With completed things on it that I didn’t even know existed.

    And I have taken a number of yoga classes. Maybe I can life coach the life coaches?? But if kale is required, no thank you. 😉

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