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The Saturday Six: WTF News Headlines

 saturday 6

Grandfather had a special way to fold his newspaper when he read it. It was quite the origami master fold. It was so he could read the paper easier and then end with the jumble puzzle as a treat for getting through the boring political sections.

For those unfamiliar with newspapers, they are long and wide.

*That’s what she said.*

Yes…yes…we are not above doing a ‘that’s what she said joke.’

We have a feeling that’s what really killed the newspaper…their weird, hard to read, have to fold a million ways, ink on the hands, silly putty doesn’t work on it anymore, ways…not the internet.

Maybe if they could invent newspapers like the kind they had in the Harry Potter movies…

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This week’s SS6 focuses on some eye grabbing headlines, whether intentional or not,  from such archaic newspapers and their modern online cousins.


1. Missing Woman Might Have A Clue To Her Whereabouts

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Calahan – She then donated the reward money she received for finding herself to someone chosen randomly out of the phonebook. That was her, too!

Chris – Woman 1: Who are we looking for? Woman 2: You. Woman 1: Oh, have you tried my cell phone? Woman 2: Yes, it says your lost. Woman 1: That’s weird, I don’t feel lost.

Katie – Crashing your own search party? Even I have better manners than that.

Ned: One month later, she is abducted by a serial killer but is able to sneak a call to the police from the back of his windowless van. “Officer O’Reilly speaking. Who is this? Oh, JENNIFER WELLS! What is it THIS time? Psychopath got you tied up in his van?” *makes jerking off motion* “Oh sure, Jen. We’ll get right on that!” — click…

Omawarisan – Everyone loves a good party.

2. New Department At IKEA Not As Popular As Expected

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Calahan – There’s an IKEA meatball joke in there, but I will avoid it. Just as I do IKEA meatballs.

Chris – Well, at least it’s a testament to how comfy the bed is….

Katie – In the Netherlands, if you use IKEA furniture that you didn’t assemble yourself, you go to jail.

Ned: I almost did the same thing at the Salvation Army thrift store once. But someone had already puked in the bed.

Omawarisan – If she did this at IKEA, didn’t she vömit?

3. It’s All About Me

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Calahan – Sorry, Mary. I’m happy for you and all, but I only visit women who are ranked in the top 50. So, once again, I’ll be visiting the Haggis canning factories instead of Mary Johnston.

Chris – I was kicked out of the Mary Johnston attraction for asking to see her boobs.

Katie – If only her photo had been rotated, she may have made it into the top 80.

Ned: If she’s the 87th most popular attraction, I can think of another 86 reasons NOT to visit Glasgow.

Omawarisan : I went to the prom with Mary Johnston. She was once ranked quite a bit higher.

4. Why Dwarfs Sometimes Shop In The Boy’s Department

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Calahan – “No, it’s true, officer. And… Um, and I’m also driving a car that’s a Transformer and, um, we’re going to my grandparents’ house to, uh, fight their 1982 Oldsmobile who’s a, uh, a bad guy. A Decepticon! That’s what I meant. Oh, hey, you wanna watch me hold my breath? Okay, watch!”

Katie – Follow-up headline: “Parents of 10-year-old boy discover he’s a pathological liar in the strangest way possible.”

Ned: One night in a cell with Peter Dinklage should set him straight.

Omawarisan: As soon as The Learning Channel heard the word dwarf they offered him his own show.

5. It’s So Hard Sometimes

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Calahan – I’ve inadvertently stumbled across nudists and, trust me, there is no reason to have to fight an erection of any kind. *shudder*

Chris – I’m naked right now.

Ned: That’s IT! I’m tired of fighting with nudists! My erection and I are going to a beach where people appreciate having a shady spot.

6. The Cowardly Lion

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Calahan – It makes me want to investigate just how flavorfully delicious their Reese’s Monkey exhibit is.

Chris – The milk bone dispenser next to the exhibit should have given this away immediately.

Katie – “Chinese zoo patrons under fire for believing animal that is unmistakably a fluffy dog is actually a big cat”

Ned: How gullible can the Chinese BE? It’s obviously a guy in a lion suit.

Omawarisan – The dog was hairy. So, it was Italian?

—–

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About Christopher De Voss (132 Articles)
One Of The Hosts Of Podcast 42. Online Producer for The Over The Line Show. Voice over actor, writer on various websites, published author, should not eat cheese but still does. Follow me on twitter: @chrisdevoss

26 Comments on The Saturday Six: WTF News Headlines

  1. Hahahahaha! My kind of stuff!

    Like

  2. Mary Johnson needs to move to a town with fewer attractions. Anyone who can defy gravity like that deserves to be in the top ten.

    Like

  3. These were all hilarious!

    Like

  4. Having been to a nude beach on out last vacation, I was wondering if anyone of you knew how how to I’d someone is a regular nudist or not? Well I’m here to tell you: “…. The permanent nudists are shall I say, long and relaxed whereas the vacation nudists are mushroom caps, why? Well for the simple reason their manhood has been trapped in underwear its entire life

    Like

  5. Good stuff. Thank you.
    The following is not spam but a desire to share with those I also follow the new riveting (imho) fiction I’m writing these days: http://toullasstory.wordpress.com/2014/07/18/toulla-laid-down-her-gun-14th-entry/
    Thank you for taking the time to have a look.
    Pat

    Like

  6. Props to Oma for breaking out the umlaut.

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  7. You guys are too darn funny!!!

    Like

  8. I don’t think I want to get my future kitchen cabinets at Ikea anymore.

    Like

  9. At least the drunk had the decency to take her shoes off before climbing into bed. I applaud her.

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  10. If only all headlines could read this like this and have you guys offering your comments. Then, we would still have newspapers!

    Like

  11. I love people watching a nudist beaches.

    Like

  12. Reblogged this on Aftermath Of Lauren and commented:
    If only they made all the newspapers like the one’s in Harry Potter…

    Like

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