1. It possibly be Monday already. It was just starting to feel like a mini vacation, and the realization that I have to go back to being me makes me want to give up on life.
2. I’m broke now, so it’s looking like I’ll be living off of that box of Cap’n Crunch that’s been lurking in the cabinet since 2011.
3. Why aren’t pay periods adjusted for long weekends?
4. The money that ordinarily gets me by on a normal two-day weekend isn’t enough for a whole extra day of freedom.
5. Why didn’t I consume more alcohol?
6. I had an extra day to really take my drunkenness to the next level, and I pussed out.
7. My routine is completely fucked up, and if I wasn’t so concerned about losing my progress on Candy Crush, I’d have thrown my phone across the room when my alarm went off.
8. I promised myself I would stay on my normal schedule this time, but along came that Lockup: Raw marathon, and now I’m carrying these bags under my eyes to work.
9. FUCK! WORK.
10. I HAVE TO DO WORK TODAY!
11. Just kidding. I have to pretend to do work today.
12. How menacing will I have to be at the office to keep co-workers from asking what I did for my long weekend?
13. I forgot all my passwords.
14. If I didn’t use an exclamation point as my special character, I have no idea what it could possibly be.
15. If I can’t get into my computer, I’m taking a personal day.
16. Why didn’t I take a personal day? What could be more personal than hating life after a long weekend?
17. I need that day to ease back into things.
18. And by “ease back into things” I mean eating Ruffles and watching Seinfeld on DVD.
19. I never realized just how deeply I didn’t miss anyone at the office.
20. 72 hours really put into perspective how mediocre these people are.
21. I wonder if anyone missed me.
22. Is that vain?
23. It’s vain.
24. But I still bet somebody missed me.
25. Am I actually expected to be a functioning human being today?
26. How realistic is that?
27. I should’ve probably showered, but my lack of enthusiasm about this full week has carried over to my personal hygiene.
28. There’s always tomorrow.
29. OH SHIT, THAT THING I’M NOT PREPARED FOR IS TOMORROW!
30. Wait, what day is it?
32. It feels like Wednesday.
33. Where did the time go?
34. This long weekend really didn’t feel that long.
35. Maybe I should have spent more time outside.
36. But it’s not every weekend that The Goonies is on ABC Family.
37. Which Goonie would I fuck…? Probably Mikey.
38. AS AN ADULT OF COURSE!
39. HE HAS AN ADVENTUROUS SPIRIT. …And he’s a good kisser.
40. Is this a weird thing to think about?
41. I never liked Corey Feldman. He’s like the OD: Original Douchebag.
42. A medically-induced coma sounds so good right now.
43. What if this long weekend was a sign?
44. WHAT IF MY WHOLE LIFE COULD BE A NEVERENDING WEEKEND?
45. I think I’ll go to Boston.
46. I think I’ll start a new life!
47. I think I’ll start it over, where no one knows my name!
48. …I can’t afford to go to Boston.
49. I can’t picture myself as a Red Sox fan.
50. My Boston accent needs work, anyway. Based on accents alone, I could potentially emigrate to Russia.
51. This is going to be the longest week of my life.
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