Latest And Greatest

The Saturday Six: Hilariously Inappropriate Kids Notes

 saturday 6

 Oh, kids…

They are the light of your life, the pain in your neck, the meaning of your existence, and the drain on your pocket book.

So when one of your little offspring comes waddling up to you in their little feety pajamas with the back butt flap half buttoned and hands you a piece of artwork that they have worked so hard on…your heart only has one choice…and that is to melt into a big puddle of proud parent goo.

You take their little wrinkled, crumbled, torn, piece of paper that has been colored on with a mix of crayon, paint, dog hair, and dirt…and then hang it proudly on the refrigerator. You may have to move other spawn induced masterpieces to make room, but you do so…and proudly. Then you kiss the little one on their greasy forehead and send them off to watch an episode of Spongebob Squarepants that you both have seen about 15 times.

But for some reason you take another look at this particular art and notice that it’s a picture of the sun, a tree, a dog, and you…wearing what looks like a giant penis on your head.

“Honey!” you call to the little one. “In your picture…what’s on my head?’

“It’s your hat, Daddy!” the little one calls back.

Oh.

It’s your hat.

Your penis hat.

And it’s purple.


1. You What In Pies?

inappchild1

BrainRants:  Oh, so this is just like American Pie.

Omawarisan: Buzz also knows how they fill Twinkies.

Chris: Seems like this should be Woody’s job.

Ned: When this kid grows up, I’ll never buy from his bakery.

2. Maybe You Should Try A Different Position

inappchild2

BrainRants: Well, that’s one way of describing a divorce.

Omawarisan: I don’t see the problem. According to the drawing, after she fell off she stuck the landing.

Chris: The number one injury of porn stars everywhere.

Ned: Apparently, being a sex education teacher is more difficult than one might think.

3. Walter White Would Be Proud

inappchild3

BrainRants: I’m sure this teacher is related or married to one guy I had in high school that taught driver ed while totally baked.

Omawarisan: Because if you do meth alone, you’ve got a problem.

Chris: Magnets, bitch!

Ned: Mrs. Edwards is the only 5th grade teacher with a waiting list for her chemistry class.

4. Adult Sesame Street

inappchild4

BrainRants: Yes, yes it is!  Also, “B” is for boobs.  I can go on…

Omawarisan: Well, of course T is for tights. But primarily…

Chris: I’ll go on. M is for Mammaries,  A is for Areolas, J is for Jugs…

Ned: That explains why all the male Sesame Street characters have nimble fingers instead of props.

5. Dinner First, Hopefully…

inappchild5

BrainRants: I wish this excuse worked in the military.

Omawarisan: Not unreasonable. See you next week. PS – Your confidence is inspiring, but it’s not cool to take things for granted.

Chris: Does this kid know he is going to at least have to buy dinner and a movie first?

Ned: A memo from Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

6. Sometimes Eminem Deserves It

inappchild6

BrainRants: I wonder if Eminem enjoyed it.  Also, it appears that she also “played poops” with the kids.  What an awesome educator.

Omawarisan: Mrs. K. – That’s not cool. Trust me, no one dislikes Eminem more than I do. I take that back, you clearly dislike him more than I do. I’m going to have to put you in time out. No means no; I don’t care how he was dressed.

Ned: It’s too bad Justin Bieber doesn’t rap.

—–

MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause

Twitter: @LongAwkPause

Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag

Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic

Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP?  Click HERE.

Advertisements
About Christopher De Voss (132 Articles)
One Of The Hosts Of Podcast 42. Online Producer for The Over The Line Show. Voice over actor, writer on various websites, published author, should not eat cheese but still does. Follow me on twitter: @chrisdevoss

48 Comments on The Saturday Six: Hilariously Inappropriate Kids Notes

  1. Is Mrs. Edwards wearing a cat sweater or is that just the meth working its magic? She also needs to balance her weight lifting a little bit more on leg day.

    Like

  2. This made me laugh so hard 😀
    Thank you for making my day.

    Like

  3. And now all I hear in my head is, “two trailer park girls go round the outside, round the outside.” Thanks, Mrs. K.

    Like

  4. This proves once again that kids say (write) the funniest things…

    Happy Saturday!

    Like

  5. AZVHV.wordpress.com // July 5, 2014 at 12:15 pm //

    What a great way to start the day 🙂

    Like

  6. LOL “she fell off she stuck the landing.” Wow.

    Like

  7. Meth could actually be good for education—after prolonged use, everyone will look so repulsive that teacher-student affairs will cease to exist. Or everything will stay the same. I don’t know.

    Like

  8. I love #5, “vagina”, Priceless!

    Like

  9. Two of the best days when I worked in a primary school:
    – Sitting in on a phonics class who were working on words ending in ‘ck.’ One boy came up with ‘duck’ which had the class racing through the alphabet to come up with the next ‘-uck’. Unfortunately for the teacher ‘euck’ isn’t a word. Can you guess what the class came up with?
    – A particularly fine piece of writing where the headmaster was considered to be like a well known character from
    Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Except he seemed to have trouble spelling ‘Willie Wonka.’ Still, the head (unfortunately named Mr Bone) proudly displayed how he was a Willie Wanker until the day he left.
    Yep, gotta love the things kids write. Especially when they’re not yours.

    Like

  10. Hilarious – tweeted it – love it!

    Like

  11. A crack up! Loved it!! 🙂

    Like

  12. Ha! This is hilarious. Loved it!

    Like

  13. hahaha! made my day! thanks for posting this 😛

    Like

  14. Omg haha haha, I’d rape Eminem to haha

    Like

  15. poor, poor Karen…;)

    Like

1 Trackback / Pingback

  1. Six more reasons for a Long Awkward Pause this Saturday | Ned's Blog

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: