They are the light of your life, the pain in your neck, the meaning of your existence, and the drain on your pocket book.
So when one of your little offspring comes waddling up to you in their little feety pajamas with the back butt flap half buttoned and hands you a piece of artwork that they have worked so hard on…your heart only has one choice…and that is to melt into a big puddle of proud parent goo.
You take their little wrinkled, crumbled, torn, piece of paper that has been colored on with a mix of crayon, paint, dog hair, and dirt…and then hang it proudly on the refrigerator. You may have to move other spawn induced masterpieces to make room, but you do so…and proudly. Then you kiss the little one on their greasy forehead and send them off to watch an episode of Spongebob Squarepants that you both have seen about 15 times.
But for some reason you take another look at this particular art and notice that it’s a picture of the sun, a tree, a dog, and you…wearing what looks like a giant penis on your head.
“Honey!” you call to the little one. “In your picture…what’s on my head?’
“It’s your hat, Daddy!” the little one calls back.
It’s your hat.
Your penis hat.
And it’s purple.
1. You What In Pies?
BrainRants: Oh, so this is just like American Pie.
Omawarisan: Buzz also knows how they fill Twinkies.
Chris: Seems like this should be Woody’s job.
Ned: When this kid grows up, I’ll never buy from his bakery.
2. Maybe You Should Try A Different Position
BrainRants: Well, that’s one way of describing a divorce.
Omawarisan: I don’t see the problem. According to the drawing, after she fell off she stuck the landing.
Chris: The number one injury of porn stars everywhere.
Ned: Apparently, being a sex education teacher is more difficult than one might think.
3. Walter White Would Be Proud
BrainRants: I’m sure this teacher is related or married to one guy I had in high school that taught driver ed while totally baked.
Omawarisan: Because if you do meth alone, you’ve got a problem.
Chris: Magnets, bitch!
Ned: Mrs. Edwards is the only 5th grade teacher with a waiting list for her chemistry class.
4. Adult Sesame Street
BrainRants: Yes, yes it is! Also, “B” is for boobs. I can go on…
Omawarisan: Well, of course T is for tights. But primarily…
Chris: I’ll go on. M is for Mammaries, A is for Areolas, J is for Jugs…
Ned: That explains why all the male Sesame Street characters have nimble fingers instead of props.
5. Dinner First, Hopefully…
BrainRants: I wish this excuse worked in the military.
Omawarisan: Not unreasonable. See you next week. PS – Your confidence is inspiring, but it’s not cool to take things for granted.
Chris: Does this kid know he is going to at least have to buy dinner and a movie first?
Ned: A memo from Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
6. Sometimes Eminem Deserves It
BrainRants: I wonder if Eminem enjoyed it. Also, it appears that she also “played poops” with the kids. What an awesome educator.
Omawarisan: Mrs. K. – That’s not cool. Trust me, no one dislikes Eminem more than I do. I take that back, you clearly dislike him more than I do. I’m going to have to put you in time out. No means no; I don’t care how he was dressed.
Ned: It’s too bad Justin Bieber doesn’t rap.
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