Today’s fireworks: Almost as exciting as burning your old socks

Except for those living in Missouri, where the only fireworks restriction is a requirement that all skyrockets exceeding the length of a standard boat trailer be flagged during transport, most Americans have watched their Independence Day fireworks excitement dwindle from first-strike capability through the 1990s, to today’s wimpy sparklers and fountains with spark-spitting action equal to…

well…

…three sparklers tied together?

Americans age 30 and older remember having sparklers so bright they could see them through their eyelids. The bravest kids would spin them like propellers, showering crackling embers everywhere and knowing full well their eyebrows would grow back by September.

The trend in fireworks wimpiness came as the result of restrictions by the National Council on Fireworks Safety in an effort to reduce fireworks-related injuries and deaths throughout the United States. Not counting Missouri, which apparently no one cares about.

Or maybe Missouri chose to ignore the rules altogether.

Hey NCFS! Here’s what we think of your crackdown on fireworks!
— Love, Missouri

However, as a service to readers outside Missouri, we at LAP took it upon ourselves to put together a list of fireworks you need to either consider purchasing as 1) part of your Independence Day celebration, 2) your personal defense system or 3) the keys to your insanity defense. Ironically, the best Fourth of July fireworks come from China, which means you’ll need to place your order today if you want it to arrive before your take-out order. For some of you, we realize the thought of purchasing fireworks that aren’t Made in America is a little hard to swallow. But in addition to the restrictions that make USA fireworks duds, you have to contend with really poor name choices like this…

The only good thing about this firework is that it keeps the neighbors from coming over. Well, except for that one guy…

Though the following fireworks were made in China, we think they capture the American spirit of adventure, grandeur and firepower that made this country great. Our first example not only manages to offer a combination of blasts, sparks and whistles (sounds representing construction sites throughout our history), the name also reflects the general consensus of most Americans…

…At least until I run out of matches and start using an open flame from my propane tank.

Love horses? Love Fireworks? Of course you do! They were made for each other! Which is what makes our next item so special. With the “Run for the Roses,” you and your children can experience the majesty of a wild mustang combined with the sulfuric smell of pyrotechnics as, together, you watch in horror as the symbol of the Old West is reduced to a blob of melted plastic…

Even Dan Fogelberg cries when he sees this heartwarming display.

How many times have you been sipping a beer on the Fourth of July, watching the neighbor’s three-year-old chase skittering groundflowers, and thought to yourself: “Man, I would love a pair of bongo drums right now!” Let’s face it, bongos are a uniquely American experience for those who remember the 1960s and 70s. Thanks to this next entry, a new generation of intoxicated adults can discover the pageantry of playing bongos while literally getting completely lit…

Honestly, haven’t you always thought our National Anthem needs a bongo solo?

Think of these next three units as the third movement of your fireworks concerto (or possibly of the day), offering three soloists of Americana…

A White House favorite since the Clinton administration.

Another Bill Clinton favorite, smuggled in from Vietnam and codenamed “Charlie’s Angels.”

Because our next fight for independence could be against zombies.

Every fireworks display needs an exciting climax, and we don’t just mean catching the shrubbery on fire. It’s needs to be a statement that leaves your audience and any nearby code enforcement officers looking like this…

It’s like we’re God’s favorite country!

That’s when you deliver this one-two punch that spectators will remember long after their hearing damage has become permanent…

Unleashing your final wave of fireworks awesomeness isn’t the time to be polite.

For added effect, allow a momentary lull before launching into this poignant finish…

Because Freedom of Religion is part of the Bill of Rights, and also because there’s nothing like the sound of 28 Whistling St. Petes going off.

Come Friday, should you find yourself without decent fireworks, you’re welcome to join us for what is sure to be a great show at this spot in Missouri…

We’re pretty sure there’s a reason it’s called “Stump Lake.”

Happy Independence Day!

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