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If Straight Guys Named the Colors in the J. Crew Catalog

When it comes to the creative naming of colors, gay men and the J. Crew catalog have got it on lock. Have you ever read a J. Crew catalog? Their sweater shades are not simply “red,” “green,” or “yellow.” Beige is “Carribean Sand.” Navy blue is “Night Shadow,” and so on.

I once worked at a beachside restaurant where half the waiters were gay. One guy conducted an experiment and asked the male employees what color the sunset was. The gay men were quite imaginative in their responses. “It’s like a persimmony-blush,” said one guy. “I’d call it burnt sienna with swirls of coral,” said another.

Without fail, all of the straight dudes had the same response: “Orange.” BOR-ing!

But I have faith in my hetero brothers. So we challenged the straight male staffers here at LAP to pretend they worked for J. Crew and think up some innovative monikers for various shades of apparel.

This is what they came up with:



brown dress

Come on, guys. We said be creative. Yes, we get it, poo is brown. However, while there is no actual market research to prove it, common sense would dictate that the great majority of women would simply not buy a dress called Shit. Try again.


“Baby Shit”

green dress

Well, it is a bit more descriptive, and actually, quite accurate. This could potentially be a thing. For the working woman who just doesn’t have time to clean up when her child has explosive diarrhea in the morning. With this comfy frock in Baby Shit, your tot’s turds just blend right in.


“Engorged Phallus”

purple dress

*Sigh*. Must it always come back to the penis? Okay, here’s the thing. Yes, the dress is purple and when dude junk becomes aroused it turns kinda purplish. But not this purple. Guys, if your johnson takes on the color of an aubergine, I recommend you see a physician immediately. On the other hand, vulgarity notwithstanding, I do know a number of single women who might not mind being wrapped in Engorged Phallus. Actually, some married ones, too.


“Advanced Stage Gangrene”

black dress

Jesus. Have you guys been watching Darren Aronofsky films again? Nevertheless, I do give points for originality and I think we can safely say this description has never once made it into the J. Crew catalog.


“Crimson Tide”

red dress

Initially, we thought the guys were making excellent progress. Crimson is in fact a fancified way to describe red! Then we realized Crimson Tide was the name of a college football team. Plagiarism never wins, fellas. And incidentally, we ladies are forced to ride the crimson tide for four days out of the month, and during that time we pretty much want to rip out our uteruses and throw them at you. In other words, references to Aunt Flo are unwise.


“Strip Club Scrotum”

blue dress

Oh, ha-ha, I get it. Blue balls. For the life of me, I’ve never understood the point of strip clubs. Why pay somebody top dollar to get you all hot and bothered and then send you home with a scorching boner? Sounds a bit masochistic to me. And why would a woman want to wear anything called scrotum – blue or otherwise? Men, I know your sperm sacs serve an essential purpose, but they ain’t exactly the prettiest things on the planet.


Sorry, straight guys, I’m afraid a career at J. Crew is just not in the cards for you. But don’t you worry your pretty little heads. Just focus on your many other talents, like plumbing, investigating ooky sounds in the middle of the night and making asses of yourselves at sporting events.


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About Naomi Lane (6 Articles)
I am a single girl dating in Los Angeles. Sometimes. It's interesting.

30 Comments on If Straight Guys Named the Colors in the J. Crew Catalog

  1. i love this and thank you for reminding me that we have the right people naming things and i love them for that )


  2. THIS IS AMAZING. Unfortunately, I do agree with the “shit” and “baby shit” color assessments. Have you ever looked at anything on ModCloth? All the dresses have cutesy names like “High Socie-tea” dress and “Chord-ially Yours” dress, and I think they could do a lot of damage, there, too. “Tight black dress.” “Ugly dress.” “Weird straps top.”


  3. hahaha, crimson tide is much better than “used tampon,” which was my initial thought. I guess I’ll stick to my day job.


  4. I’m just glad these were all one-piece outfits. A breezy Engorged Phallus top with sassy Strip Club Scrotum stirrup pants would’ve been too much.


  5. I like it, nicely done


  6. Still laughing at Engorged Phallus.


  7. Ha ha! Hilarious. Strip Club Scrotum, yeah who would wear anything called scrotum anything. Somehow, I like these colors more than J. Crew colors. So, good job.


  8. OMG, I would buy “Baby Shit”, I’ve never been one to follow the trend. Would I tell everyone what colour it is? Definitely!


  9. Where some would see offensive scatalogical references, I see truth in advertising. “Shit Brown” tells me exactly what color I’m handing over the cash for.


    • I have a BS in Scatology. And I’m glad you can see the practicality in it. If it were called “Unsifted Cocoa Flour,” you’d be perplexed. Shit is straight to the point. You are brilliant, Rants. We really need to implement these in men’s clothing catalogs. But not Abercrombie & Fitch. They wouldn’t get it.


    • I dunno. Maybe it’s just me, but my shit can’t be counted on to be the same shade of brown every time. Then what? If I ask for shit brown, will I get a dark chocolate shade, or more like the beigy stuff I’d been dropping that week? There are just too many variables.


      • Point well taken. Perhaps you could head up a catalog for clothing in the various shit shades. Or a new coffee table book: 50 Shades of Shit?


  10. I’m dying over the “advanced stage gangrene.” You can’t say it’s not creative. However “burnt sienna” is just as hilarious to me.


  11. See, it’s why I still can’t get my Official Chick Card: I’d be calling them Blue, Red, Green, Black, and so on. I just don’t KNOW colors. To this day I cannot remember what puce is. Okay, thanks to the magic of the web, I just looked it up and have learned that it’s some kind of red-purple-brown abomination before God and man. I couldn’t use mnemonics for it, either. If I think, “Ah, that’s a nauseating combination, so puce could make me puke.” But then later I’d remember puce/puke as green because: split-pea soup. I CAN’T WIN!!


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