An Open Letter to Anyone Wearing Foot Jewelry

 

Dear anklet (ankle bracelet) and toe ring wearers,

On behalf of the world, I want to inform you that we’re all a little perplexed as to why you’d use accessories to accentuate what is arguably the least sexy part of the human body (unless you have a foot fetish or you like a big talus, and you cannot lie).

Before any of you start lobbing accusations that I’m woefully ignorant of the majesty that is an adjustable metal ring choking one of my toes, I must confess I was once one of you. During my desperate stage in junior high, I thought toe rings and anklets would compensate for my braces and inability to afford Aeropostale’s entire collection of track jackets. I delighted in visiting Claire’s (official accessories shop of desperate preteens) in the summertime to peruse the selection of toe rings and anklets. I owned anklets with charms and shells, and I even had one that fastened with string that I wore exactly once because fuck tying knots. I owned adjustable toe rings that accommodated both the little piggy that had roast beef and the little piggy that had none. I spent a few summers humiliating myself this way until one important afternoon, as the pointy edges my toe ring were digging into my under-toe flesh, I had an important epiphany:

This isn’t really that cute, and I look like a dipshit.

Since the dawn of that realization, I’ve tried to understand why for some people the anklet/toe ring isn’t merely an embarrassing middle school stage, but a troubling way of life that survives through adulthood and surfaces during sandal weather.

Did you know that toe rings weren’t always used for highlighting your unfortunate case of hammer toe? Were you aware that an anklet’s sole purpose isn’t to call attention to that awful tribal tattoo you’ll have lasered off someday? These unfortunate adornments actually have cultural significance that have been ignored in our vain attempts at making fashionable feet happen. For centuries, anklets and toe rings have been worn by women and girls in India. In many Indian cultures, toe rings are part of the wedding ceremony and are a symbol of marriage! …So, all you ladies wearing toe rings on first dates, does that clarify why Dhiraj never texted you back?

Thanks to Beyoncé, too many people are under the impression that putting a ring on something automatically makes it better, but that isn’t the case with your toesies. Anklets and toe rings are universally ridiculous.

Jewelry that’s ordinarily worn on your fingers and wrists—areas of the body commonly seen when you go out for drinks, shake hands, or give someone the middle finger—does not have the same effect on the lowest part of your body that people actively avoid looking at unless you’re wearing cute shoes. It is not okay to put jewelry where sock fuzzies normally reside. What’s next, the ankle watch? He went to Jared… for the Pandora Anklet.

Foot jewelry wearers, you’re not fooling anyone. We all know you’re only wearing an anklet to get the satisfaction bracelets could never provide because they’re such a pain in the ass to put on when you’re alone. While we’re being honest, you toe ring people are probably wearing toe rings because your second toe is taller than your big toe, and you’d like everyone to believe you’re confident about it, but the truth is you’re deeply insecure about the fact your toe lengths aren’t descending like they should be.

Stop with the foot jewelry, already. It’s not stylish or flirty, and it certainly isn’t classing up the flip flops you bought at Old Navy.

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