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The Bullet Points

issue #6

It’s time once again to wake Rants up way too early. deny him his coffee and bacon, and throw today’s headlines at him to get his take on the top stories. Did I mention that we have to wear one of those protective suits that attack dogs practice on? Did I mention we all have to leave the office and lock the door behind us? Did I mention the SWAT Team is put on alert?

It’s not pretty, yet we all suffer to produce comic gold for you.

Remember that!

1.) Ohio student points finger like gun, is suspended

Rants: Because there’s nothing like a good, healthy overreaction to pointless shit… ‘Murrica.

2.) Sun, Mars, Earth to align in rare cosmic event

Rants: Which someone will use to explain global warming, the 9-11 Conspiracy, and all of Congress’ recent successes. Word has it a major Hollywood production company will make a 15-picture superhero movie of this event.

3.) Holder to face tough questions on executive overreach


Rants: No details were provided, however, on the executive in question or what body parts the Attorney General reached for.

4.) Kim Kardashian posed wearing nothing but a thong bikini


Rants: This might have been an optical illusion where the tentage in question only appeared small, because let’s face it: KK’s ass is as big as Kanye’s ego.

5.) Five dead after stabbings at house party in Calgary, police say


Rants: This is what you get when you invite Americans to your parties, Canada.

6.) Big Tax Bill? IRS Offers Payment Options


Rants: Three easy options! Pay Now, Pay it All, and Pay Faster… too easy!


And in related news:


7.) IRS considers taxing work perks like food, gym memberships

Rants: All part of a plan to graduate up to taxing us on exotic, unnecessary luxuries like water and air.



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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

59 Comments on The Bullet Points

  1. Chicago already taxes bottled water. It was on my receipt. The respiration tax is next. Let’s see how long we can all hold our breaths.


  2. Kim does have a huge ass. Anyone else would get skewered in the press. Great post.


  3. Dang it MARS! You’re responsible for global warming and 9/11?! Also, I didn’t realize Congress had any recent successes.


  4. Reblogged this on BrainRants and commented:

    My Latest contribution over at Long Awkward Pause. Great collection of funny internet talent – go check it out!


  5. Rants, your never fail me. always the best in serious topics yet sardonic goodness


  6. Can’t disagree with any of these rants. They all seem pretty spot on to me. I may have gotten a little confused on which planets KK’s butt was aligning with but it seemed to overshadow all the ones depicted.


  7. 1. We can bring people to due process for finger pointing…but we can’t get background checks for actual guns.
    2. We can bring people to due process for finger pointing…but KimK’s giant ass is still allowed without a permit, and that thing is clearly lethal.


  8. We can get three heavenly bodies to line up, (Kimmy’s not included) but we can’t get any two politicians to line up on Obamacare. 😀


  9. Getting your taxes done is great and a lll, but when you find out that deduction your friend told you about that was gonna score you a big refund falls through, is like wanting to take the time to shave your balls for that big date, then someone knocks on the door, and you live alone..


  10. This knife attack in Calgary was really all over the news here! And it’s all you Americans fault! Just get that straight right now & we’ll get along fine!


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