It’s time once again to wake Rants up way too early. deny him his coffee and bacon, and throw today’s headlines at him to get his take on the top stories. Did I mention that we have to wear one of those protective suits that attack dogs practice on? Did I mention we all have to leave the office and lock the door behind us? Did I mention the SWAT Team is put on alert?
It’s not pretty, yet we all suffer to produce comic gold for you.
1.) Ohio student points finger like gun, is suspended
Rants: Because there’s nothing like a good, healthy overreaction to pointless shit… ‘Murrica.
2.) Sun, Mars, Earth to align in rare cosmic event
Rants: Which someone will use to explain global warming, the 9-11 Conspiracy, and all of Congress’ recent successes. Word has it a major Hollywood production company will make a 15-picture superhero movie of this event.
3.) Holder to face tough questions on executive overreach
Rants: No details were provided, however, on the executive in question or what body parts the Attorney General reached for.
4.) Kim Kardashian posed wearing nothing but a thong bikini
Rants: This might have been an optical illusion where the tentage in question only appeared small, because let’s face it: KK’s ass is as big as Kanye’s ego.
5.) Five dead after stabbings at house party in Calgary, police say
Rants: This is what you get when you invite Americans to your parties, Canada.
6.) Big Tax Bill? IRS Offers Payment Options
Rants: Three easy options! Pay Now, Pay it All, and Pay Faster… too easy!
And in related news:
7.) IRS considers taxing work perks like food, gym memberships
Rants: All part of a plan to graduate up to taxing us on exotic, unnecessary luxuries like water and air.