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6 Reasons the Zombie Apocalypse Might Not Be Such A Bad Thing

issue #6

An incredible amount of worry and scholarly discourse has been dedicated to the potential devastation of a Zombie Apocalypse. There’s a lot of talk about stockpiling rations, antibiotics and firearms but let’s take a moment to focus on the positive– many wonderful things will arise from a worldwide pandemic of brain-devouring undead.

1.)  The Following Demographics Will Likely Be Eradicated

          a. People who think that Alaska is an island down by hawaii.

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b. People who think God made America 2,013 years ago

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c. People who don’t understand how babies happen

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Think of all the emotional energy you’ll save when you no longer have to resist the urge to inform these fellow humans just how stupid they are.

2.)  You’ll Have Permission to Commit Random Acts of Violence

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The underlying reason why we’re all so attracted to the idea of a zombie apocalypse is that it allows a moral justification for bashing your obnoxious neighbor or overbearing coworker with a shovel. Start making your list now so that you can be ready when the outbreak strikes.

3.)  You’ll Never Have to Go Back to The DMV

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In a post-zombie-apocalyptic world there will be no need for properly tagged license plates. This most odious of annual chores will fall by the wayside as roads become increasingly clogged by stalled vehicles and horses re-inherit the earth as the most ideal form of transportation. Do not fail to include the DMV employees on your list from #2.

4.)  You Will Finally Make Physical Fitness A Priority

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It’s difficult to find the time for a workout when you aren’t dealing with the threat of getting bit. Now, running will not only be “a way of life,” it will be the ONLY way of life. Think of all the 5Ks you can brag about to the other survivors.

5.)  Every day Will Be Like Black Friday

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Who doesn’t enjoy the opportunity to knock down the weakest amongst us and trample them in an attempt to reach vital resources?

6.)  A Return to Agrarian and Nomadic Lifestyles

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People pay top dollar to learn how to simplify and center their lives. This paradigm will be yours for free— you’ll learn to embrace the soul-refreshing practice of growing your own food, and develop a respect for all of God’s creatures by surviving on squirrel meat.  So many of us never find the time to travel, but the search for a safe, windowless structure (preferably a prison) will keep you moving and experiencing new things.

What do YOU think would be the best outcome of a Zombie Apocalypse? Have you made your preparations? Who’s the first “zombie” you’ll go after with a shovel?

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About Aussa Lorens (3 Articles)
Some mistakes are too good not to share.

63 Comments on 6 Reasons the Zombie Apocalypse Might Not Be Such A Bad Thing

  1. I’m doing atkins. Are the un-dead low carb?

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  2. I know everyone thinks the zombie apocalypse would be so amazing and that they would live through it. Not me. I would die basically immediately. I honestly don’t even know how I am alive now. Technology and luck mostly.

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    • Hahaha okay if we’re honest, I’m definitely in that same camp. We can be like that old couple in the Titanic who doesn’t even bother trying to survive. Just lay back and accept our fate.

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  3. I am pretty sure I already gave up my brain the last time I went to the DMV. I’m not sure that one counts. In fact, I once had to do the DMV in FRENCH. Ou a la biblioteque only gets you so far with government bureaucracies, you know.

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    • I cannot imagine having to do the DMV in a foreign country. No No No.
      I went with a friend to file a police report in China and that was bad enough. Never ever again. After that, I was just a free for all for criminals to do whatever they wanted.

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  4. No lie, I had to stop watching Walking Dead because at least 4.7 times per episode I would scream “I would be so much better at zombie apocalypse than you!!!!” at my television. It was exhausting. However, I’m not so sure that I could actually survive for long without modern miracles like hot showers. So…probably you don’t want me on your team.

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    • I like the person in every episode that knocks over a glass or kicks a metal bucket while they’re hiding from a zombie hoard. I like to yell at them too but if we’re honest…. that would probably be me. I am forever knocking things over.

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  5. Geesh, everyone knows that America is totally 5000 years old.

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  6. OMG. hahahaha. This is hilarious!!!! The last one is the best. Way to make fun of us hipsters/environmentally conscious 😀 So great. Me and my best friend discuss the zombie apocalypse constantly, and we’ve decided that Cabela’s is zombie apocalypse headquarters. You could stay alive FOREVER in their. Unlimited ammo, practically, AND awesome defense places; I mean, they have AN UPSTAIRS. It’s like a hill. only better.

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    • OMG! Someone already mentioned that the only downside to Zombie Apocalypse is the fact that there would be no more internets and no more Aussa to entertain us! And then Aussa was like, “I would gather all the bloggers into a bunker, and we could make our own little cubicles to hide in, and shout various stories and opinions to each other in a connected but introverted way still.” And I thought that was a brilliant idea.

      BUT I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT CABELA’S!!!! Petition to make that store the secret location of the Blogger Bunker. This message will destroy itself eventually.

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    • Well I definitely fall into that “its way too easy” camp of people who like to poke fun at hipsters BUT I think you may have the last laugh because hipsterness really may just be the most efficient preparation for zombie apocalypse, ever. You’re growing your food, making your clothes, refining kombucha and communing with the earth while the rest of us are growing ever more dependent on the pre-Zombie ways. It seems unavoidable that the hipsters will inherit the earth.

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  7. For #3 alone, I’d risk the apocalypse.

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  8. Ha ha 😀 top dollar to go back to nature.So freaking true. Ha finally i can get rid of my belly. may it be eaten away or rotting. or by exorcize. yeah I am skinny growl.. yeah make babies but snif snif. i smell blood is it your period?

    And the first… closest by. prepared. Hell i am a boyscout. grin. I can make traps. just my fitness may get in the way.

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  9. lovehoneybear // April 12, 2014 at 7:18 am //

    Aussa, think about the zombies themselves. What do they do when they aren’t dragging their feet around making rather annoying noises? They eat (well, bite at least), so do they poop? Do they have down time when they recuperate for the next mass chain-fence shaking session? Does it ever cross their minds (presumably they have something that motivates them) that their lives are extremely repetitive, their inter-personal relationships disastrous and their futures don’t look rosy? Empathy, thats what we need……

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    • You are a much better person than me, I ought to take a lesson from your ways. Here I’ve been stocking up on kerosene and bandages and I didn’t even stop to consider what the zombies are worried about. Surely it must be an equally frightening scenario for all of us. The post-apocalyptic world really needs more empathy and team building exercises.

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  10. Brian refuses to make a plan with me. I keep trying to tell him we need an in-case-of-apocalypse plan…and then he rationalizes it into a non-thing. But I have a plan. He’s just going to have to go with it.

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    • It’s good that you still have a plan. I think you have a few options for bringing him around to your perspective.
      A) You could convince him you’re preparing for some other kind of apocalypse, one that he is willing to buy into (dinosaur apocalypse, for example).
      B) You can use rewards-based conditioning. Mention that you just bought a lifetime supply of wheat. Then perform sexual favor. Show him the plans for your new cellar. Then upgrade his ESPN subscription.
      Eventually his brain will make the connection and he’ll be stockpiling ammunition and investing in good running shoes.

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  11. Definitely prepared, shovel and everything. I think that the first recipient of a shovel-whack from me would be my ex-narcissist. A shovel handle sticking out of his former ear would be perfect. He never could hear anything except himself. 🙂 Love your posts! 🙂

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    • Haha, perfect! Yeah… good idea… I wish there were a way to implant a GPS tracker (a la the Hunger Games) in our exes so that we could immediately locate them when the mayhem breaks out.

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  12. That GIF of the zombie head being removed with a hatchet did not compliment my bowl of cereal well. So, thank you Mz Lorens…

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  13. Stupid people are my reason. Though I fear that many stupid people will be the ones to survive… Just because this is how luck works. And irony…

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  14. Can’t see number one as being a thing….. I always thought zombies were seeking brains, and it wouldn’t appear these people have many?

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    • Shit. Such a valid point. Now I don’t know what to be more afraid of in this scenario– the zombies? Or the masses of stupid people?

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      • Probably not much of a difference really… and if you’re going out there to eliminate them does it matter whether they’re zombies or just stupid? Take them all out 😉

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      • Maybe the stupid people will get to be the zombies. They’re the best prepared for the job, after all. So your survival pack needs to include things like … ummm … a supply of letters from people like Bill Gates promising $317.53 to anyone who makes 10 copies and share with their friends. And leaflets containing warnings about stuff that’s even more scary than zombies, like what will happen to you if you reuse a plastic water bottle. Then you could hand those out to your friends to help them focus on the real risks. Of course it wouldn’t be much use in the early days because the zombies would get some of them anyway. But sooner or later the zombies would probably notice that something was up and they’d start stealing the letters and leaflets … and the thing is, stupid people don’t read as well as smart ones, usually. So you’d be able to get away while they were distracted, trying to figure out how to be safe. Then all you’d have to worry about would be remembering to avoid plastic water bottles … and of course where to go for your money, because I imagine most of the ATMs would be empty by about that time…

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        • Haha I particularly love the part about Bill Gates and his promises… yeah, that’s a very quick way to identify all the stupid people, THAT’S for sure.

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  15. That justifiable homicide thing is a keeper. “Oh, Bob wasn’t a zombie? Whoopsie.”

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  16. LOL! I always thought the DMV would be the logical start of the zombie apocalypse. Black Friday a close second.

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    • Oh no. I think you’re probably right. In most movies they are trying to tie it back to the very first zombie… the source of it all… I think the DMV would be the first place I checked.

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  17. Well, as we know, I’m impulsive, so although right now I think I’d be a total goner during the Z. A., I have a feeling some bad-assery would surface and I’d shovel people’s brains across the room, run a 10k in with the best of them, and discover a serum that eradicates long lines at Starbucks (<< cuz why not? I'm a fucking rockstar). That was all one sentence, btw. My bad-assery is churning just thinking about a zombie invasion. BRING IT.

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    • I need to petition whoever it is who keeps instructing us to have “emergency drills” at work to take the potential zombie situation more seriously. I would be curious to see if my own badassery might suddenly come to light and give me the ability to slash guts open and leap from moving vehicles.
      Instead they are focusing on boring things like anthrax and collapsing buildings *yawn*.

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  18. Willy Nilly // April 13, 2014 at 10:26 pm //

    Awesome! You get the Willy Nilly Stamp of Approval. Only two have ever been awarded. I got the first one. Well…I lost mine; but, we can both use yours.

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    • Excellent! I will definitely share mine. It can bind us together post Zombie Apocalypse and remind us why we don’t abandon the other when it is convenient.

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  19. Willy Nilly // April 14, 2014 at 12:43 am //

    Yes, absolutely! Zombie Mitigation need not be that awful moment where one has to decide between fleeing alone or standing together. Now, I need to find that stamp I promised…

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  20. Another great advantage would be…nah can’t thing of one. Sorry, you listed all the great ones already.

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  21. Fortunately my zombies will be from the original Night of the Living Dead (1968) so running won’t be necessary… heck you could practically WATCH the corn grow while waiting for them!

    Sounds like you pretty much got it covered Aussa. Hey, if I start wacking people with shovels I am gonna use this post as defense K??

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    • Definitely refer back to this post as legal defense in any shovel-to-the-face incidents. And I like the sound of your zombies… much more than those from World War Z. That was just out of control.

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      • If you haven’t seen the original you should Aussa. Seriously. That was scary stuff back then. They hardly moved. You could have strolled around and been safe. If you ran to a house you had time to take a nap before they would have gotten there! Or you could have just run around in a circle and gotten them to knot themselves together I bet!

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      • If anything even remotely close to zombies were to ever happen, it would. probably be more like 28 weeks later in which case, very scary

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  22. A zombie Apocalypse is the only way I’m going to fix my credit score.

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    • Oh yeah. That definitely belongs on this list. And along with it all those “points” against my drivers license.. simply because I made a few less than wise choices when I was 23. Who knew they actually took it seriously when you drove without a license? Not this girl.

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  23. I’ll just be excited about not having to go to work! I’ve been thinking that I should stow a crossbow somewhere so that I can become a Katniss/Daryl hybrid, but I haven’t stumbled across any hunting stores lately. It’s on my list of things to do though.

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    • I bought my niece a bow and arrow for Christmas so I’m basically relying upon her to keep me fed and defended. And! You’ll be pre-prepared because you’ve already learned to live without the internet for long spans of time.

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      • Yes it’s true! I’ve lived without it for a period of 9 straight days. I can write things down with pen and paper like nobody’s business. Maybe I can be the scribe that writes the zombie apocalypse story down so that it lives on throughout the ages.

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  24. I’m not going to fight it. I’m gonna sit on the couch, get taken as a zombie and be lazy zombie that doesn’t go after others. The other zombies can do all the work.

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