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51 Things You’re Thinking On Your Morning Commute

issue #6

morning commute thoughts

Universal Thoughts

1. UGGGGHHH I’m so tired. Why did I have to stay up so late watching Conan/taking BuzzFeed quizzes/jerking off to porn?

2. Seriously, I’m like the walking dead. Except less attractive. And more dead.

3. What would happen if I called in sick?

4. Would everyone know I’m faking it?

5. I’ll have to feign a cough when I go in tomorrow.

6. Who am I kidding? My acting skills are worse than Ashton Kutcher’s.

7. Fine, let’s do this.

8. Caroline better have ordered the Dark Roast Keurig cups.

9. If any morning people try to get chatty with me before 11 a.m., they lose an eye.

10. Yikes, I’m late. I hope my boss doesn’t walk by my desk.

11. Wait, did I have an 8 a.m. meeting?

12. Do I have time to stop at Starbucks?

13. Will it look bad if I walk in late with Starbucks?

14. “I’ll have a double frap espresso triple lutz mega play with a half pump of hazelnut. No whip.”

15. I wonder if someone brought doughnuts today.

16. I hope no one brought doughnuts today. My ass is growing like wildfire.

17. Maybe just half a doughnut.

18. Wait… Did I put on deodorant?

In the Car

office space commute

19. Is it safe for me to be operating a motor vehicle when I’m this sleepy?

20. What if the Ambien is still working? What if I’m sleep-driving and hit a sheep?

21. I live in Los Angeles. There are no sheep.

22. Make this light, make this light, make this light!

23. SHIT.

24. Why is every station playing this dumb Katy Perry song?

25. Yes, you can get in front of me, Mr. Minivan. Just be quick about it, will ya?

26. Oh, for the love of Christ, GOOOOO!

27. Excuse me? Where is my thank you wave??

28. Seriously, nobody has any common courtesy anymore.

29. Ohhh! Poor possum!

30. I wonder if his family knows.

31. Where do possums live, anyway?

32. My favorite parking spot better not be taken.

33. Crap. Stupid BMW.

On the Subway/Bus/Train

subway commute

34. Please let there be a seat, oh please.

35. Mothertrucker.

36. Gross, now I have to hold onto the nasty ass pole.

37. What if the person who held it before me has communicable hand warts? Or worse?

38. GEEZ cover your mouth when you sneeze, dickweed!

39. I wonder if the buskers make more money than me.

40. He’s actually pretty good.

41. Do I have a dollar?

42. No cash. Sorry, busker.

43. Now I feel like a jerk.

44. OMG is that pee in that water bottle rolling around on the floor?

45. Yes. Yes it is.

46. Wait, why’d we stop in the tunnel? IS THIS A TERRORIST ATTACK?!

47. Phew, we’re going again. Christ, they can’t just do that!

48. Holy stinknado, this guy’s got B.O.

49. This isn’t France, asshole.

50. I hope no one can smell my dandruff.

And finally, the one thing you think every day without fail on your morning commute:

51. I fucking HATE my job.



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About Naomi Lane (6 Articles)
I am a single girl dating in Los Angeles. Sometimes. It's interesting.

62 Comments on 51 Things You’re Thinking On Your Morning Commute

  1. Victoria // April 9, 2014 at 8:17 am //

    OMG, this is hilarious!


  2. Pretty much sums it up!


    • Right? Every. Single. Day. Did we miss any?


      • Right. Every day. Katie made me laugh with hers. I used to ride Metra. Thank something I had a buddy so douchebaggery was kept to a minimum.

        Having the inbound train come four minutes early, stranding you on the outbound side of the tracks and making you wait 20 minutes for the next train.

        Having the conductor of the train that arrives 20 minutes later condescendingly tell you, “It’s never about when the train arrives, it’s about when it departs.”


  3. NotAPunkRocker // April 9, 2014 at 8:32 am //

    Yep, pretty damn close.


    • Got any to add, Sheena who I think is a secret punk rocker?


      • NotAPunkRocker // April 9, 2014 at 7:53 pm //

        On the days I drive in with wet hair, I have an ongoing struggle trying to remember if I rinsed out my conditioner.

        Just because you have a hybrid doesn’t mean you get to hog the left lane. It’s about speed limits, not smugness.


      • Okay, I have a friend who has issues with Priuses in the left lane too. What’s the problem? You mean the fast lane, not the HOV lane, right? How do they hog it? I may or may not own one…


  4. On the Metra train in Chicago, it’s all about this:
    Which fucko will be sitting next to me with their thigh resting against mine for the entire ride?

    There are people who exist that don’t even TRY to peel their leg away from yours. I mean, what? Treat me like you would your sworn elementary school enemy on the school bus.


    • OMG, I feel you. It’s like that on planes, too (hmm, thoughts on a plane for next post?). Please respect my personal space! Sometimes I wonder if they even KNOW our legs are touching. Don’t they realize that it’s weird? Or maybe they’re stealthily hitting on you and hoping it’s a gateway to you hopping on their lap?


      • You might be onto something with the lap gateway. Going for the inner thigh would be way too forward… Let me rest my outer thigh against her outer thigh and let the cards fall where they may…


        • Ooh la la! And what a great story that would make! Of course, the people who tend to do it are people you wouldn’t lay tongue upon if your life depended on it. Sigh.


  5. So funny! I probably do #24 and #25 about fifty times in one drive…



      And if I’m gonna be nice enough to let you in front of me, be nice enough to make it snappy!


  6. These are the reasons I am grateful every day to be a full time telecommuter. On the odd day where I might have to join the commuter rat race, my road or train rage is way above average because I’m not accustomed to it on a daily basis.


    • You just made everyone here insanely jealous. My only problem with telecommuting is I probably wouldn’t get out of bed until 3 p.m. and then the day’s almost over. Because hell if I’m gonna work past 6:00.


  7. aubreyglantz // April 9, 2014 at 10:32 am //

    Reblogged this on The Writer Monkey.


  8. Fucking Fantastic!


  9. Haha, I can definitely relate to many of these!


  10. This is an excellent summary and I admire your creativity. However, I’ll have to tape record me in my car during bad traffic, because of the swear words you’ve probably never heard. No, wait… only douchebags record themselves in cars. Never mind.


    • Ohhhh, dooooo it! I would love to hear it. Can we play it here? If nothing else, I would still be very interested in hearing these swear words we’ve probably never heard. Always up for learning a few more.

      P.S. I actually had to seriously refrain from including more swear words in this post. Pretty much every single one would’ve included an F bomb if I hadn’t exercised such control.


  11. Reblogged this on Single Girl Blogging and commented:

    Hey! Please check out my new post over on Long Awkward Pause:


  12. Hilarious!


  13. Haha, “stinknado”!


  14. Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    Way cool!! I can see myself in plenty of these!! Enjoy ….


  15. I walk to work…envy? It’s great except when it’s raining and so windy I have to fight to stay upright…oh and if running late, there’s not much of an excuse I can come up with when I live 10 minutes walk away and don’t have to clock in till 0930. Yeh, and I appreciate the hell out of it.


    • Walk? I live in LA – what is “walking?”

      Honestly, I so wish I could walk to work. Yeah, except the rain and inclement weather part. And the whole changing shoes bit. Still… better than traffic for sure!


  16. This is the most hilarious post I’ve read on WP. I don’t work yet, but I can totally imagine myself saying ALL those things to myself. Please have a look at my blog if time perits:


  17. ❤ this is a wonderful post, I had to add my two cents:

    WHY are there so many commercials? Every effing radio station I have programmed is playing a commercial RIGHT NOW. I'm so paying to have my satellite radio turned back on…


  18. I love this post, it’s really true and funny.
    Thank for posting it.


  19. Great post, very funny and true.
    Thank for posting it,


  20. this Awkwardness which I experience everyday in my life, has become a part of me now….. I live awkwardness… is it a good thing? HELL YEAH!!!! I am also daring enough to share this awkwardness in my blog


  21. THE PEE IN THE WATER BOTTLE!!!! I’ve seen it. Why. Just why.


  22. Could you be anymore brilliant?
    Great job, Girlie!


  23. I get sick to my stomach thinking about work…like I should get a new job at a barf bag making plant…


  24. Reblogged this on WHY? and commented:
    Finally, useful content worthy of my readership! Hope you do not mind the reblog, Thanks.


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