1. UGGGGHHH I’m so tired. Why did I have to stay up so late watching Conan/taking BuzzFeed quizzes/jerking off to porn?
2. Seriously, I’m like the walking dead. Except less attractive. And more dead.
3. What would happen if I called in sick?
4. Would everyone know I’m faking it?
5. I’ll have to feign a cough when I go in tomorrow.
6. Who am I kidding? My acting skills are worse than Ashton Kutcher’s.
7. Fine, let’s do this.
8. Caroline better have ordered the Dark Roast Keurig cups.
9. If any morning people try to get chatty with me before 11 a.m., they lose an eye.
10. Yikes, I’m late. I hope my boss doesn’t walk by my desk.
11. Wait, did I have an 8 a.m. meeting?
12. Do I have time to stop at Starbucks?
13. Will it look bad if I walk in late with Starbucks?
14. “I’ll have a double frap espresso triple lutz mega play with a half pump of hazelnut. No whip.”
15. I wonder if someone brought doughnuts today.
16. I hope no one brought doughnuts today. My ass is growing like wildfire.
17. Maybe just half a doughnut.
18. Wait… Did I put on deodorant?
In the Car
19. Is it safe for me to be operating a motor vehicle when I’m this sleepy?
20. What if the Ambien is still working? What if I’m sleep-driving and hit a sheep?
21. I live in Los Angeles. There are no sheep.
22. Make this light, make this light, make this light!
24. Why is every station playing this dumb Katy Perry song?
25. Yes, you can get in front of me, Mr. Minivan. Just be quick about it, will ya?
26. Oh, for the love of Christ, GOOOOO!
27. Excuse me? Where is my thank you wave??
28. Seriously, nobody has any common courtesy anymore.
29. Ohhh! Poor possum!
30. I wonder if his family knows.
31. Where do possums live, anyway?
32. My favorite parking spot better not be taken.
33. Crap. Stupid BMW.
On the Subway/Bus/Train
34. Please let there be a seat, oh please.
36. Gross, now I have to hold onto the nasty ass pole.
37. What if the person who held it before me has communicable hand warts? Or worse?
38. GEEZ cover your mouth when you sneeze, dickweed!
39. I wonder if the buskers make more money than me.
40. He’s actually pretty good.
41. Do I have a dollar?
42. No cash. Sorry, busker.
43. Now I feel like a jerk.
44. OMG is that pee in that water bottle rolling around on the floor?
45. Yes. Yes it is.
46. Wait, why’d we stop in the tunnel? IS THIS A TERRORIST ATTACK?!
47. Phew, we’re going again. Christ, they can’t just do that!
48. Holy stinknado, this guy’s got B.O.
49. This isn’t France, asshole.
50. I hope no one can smell my dandruff.
And finally, the one thing you think every day without fail on your morning commute:
51. I fucking HATE my job.
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