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17 Things I Know For Sure

Hello again, dear listeners.

Every day, every week, every year, every month, every one asks me the same question: “How much do you know, and why don’t you tell me all you know, already?!”
So, dearest listener, I have decided to partake of yon desires and giveth to thee my knowledge – wrapped up in two little balls. The two little balls are titled, 17 things I know for sure, and, 17 things I think are right but I’m not totally sure.

Are you ready? Let’s go! Get ready to fill your brains to the brim with my knowledge and then thee too, may become smarter than the average cow.

17 things I know for sure

  1. Spiders kill you dead
  2. Sharks kill you dead
  3. Snakes kill you dead
  4. Whales may accidentally kill you dead because they are so big they may not see you and because of that they kill you because they weigh a ton and will squish you
  5. Killer bees kill you dead
  6. The black plague kills you dead
  7. 7 is a prime number
  8. Monsters (vampires, werewolves, ratmen) kill you dead
  9. Zombies kill you undead
  10. Guns kill you dead
  11. Knives kill you dead
  12. Global warming kills everything dead
  13. Dinosaurs would kill you dead except they are already dead
  14. Tigers kill you dead
  15. Lions kill you dead
  16. A lion mixed with a tiger is called a liger
  17. Baldness kills you dead (if by “baldness” you mean getting scalped by a helicopter rotor after you forget to duck when you are getting out of the helicopter)

See – you feel smarter already, don’t you? And all this I am passing on to you free of charge because I love thee and want to help thee and thy descendants! And now…

17 things I think are right but I’m not totally sure

  1. Creamy chunks of macadmaia, mixed with delicious golden oat clusters, crunchy flakes, bran straws, and puffed wheat, topped off with honey is the ideal blend to start your day
  2. At Sanitarium (TM) they believe it’s what’s on the inside that counts
  3. That’s why they made sure that Light ‘n’ Tasty is as good for you as it is tastes
  4. To feel better inside it is vital that you and your family are able to eat nutritious foods every day
  5. With Light ‘n’ Tasty you get a delicious cereal made right here in Australia, by an Australian company, using the best tasting local grains
  6. Light ‘n’ Tasty is a great choice for your community too, because every product that we make for you allows us to support the community with services such as our Sanitarium Nutrition Service Team available to all Austrlians for free nutrition advice
  7. For variety, try launching your day with one of the other great Light ‘n’ Tasty flavours
  8. Light ‘n’ Tasty Macadamia & Honey provides the best of everything – wholesome grains and irresistible crunchiness
  9. Tasty contains six essential vitamins and minerals, including 25% of your daily iron nd calcium needs
  10. One box of Sanitarium (TM) Light ‘n’ Tasty weighs 620g Net
  11. One box contains 15 servings
  12. It contains gluten
  13. The use by date is 20th Oct 2014
  14. The box is recyclable
  15. Spiders have six legs
  16. Some snakes have two legs – these are called lizards
  17. Macaws are birds whereas pawpaws are not

Amen.

—–

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50 Comments on 17 Things I Know For Sure

  1. i will teach my kindergarten all of your ‘facts’ just as soon as we get back to school.

    Like

  2. NotAPunkRocker // March 19, 2014 at 9:33 am //

    Raid kills bugs dead, which takes care of two of your problems on the first list.

    Like

  3. I’m deciding if I ever want to visit Australia now. I like not being dead.

    Like

  4. Please tell me you just intentionally referenced Napoleon Dynamite.

    Like

  5. Just one more question, can you recommend any kind of cereal that is delicious, nutritious, and is a great way to start the day? I might have missed it, but I didn’t see any mention of such a thing in your lists. Thank you.

    Like

  6. You know lots. I am jealous.

    Like

  7. That cereal sounded so good by the time I was done reading this, I had to Google it to see if it was real. But it appears to be a little out of my reach geographically.

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  8. Prime numbers are awesome.

    Like

  9. We know a lot more than we think…

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  10. You can never go wrong with macadamia nuts. They’re the best nuts out there. Some may disagree, but I’m with you on this nut.

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  11. You really do know a lot. Any chance you might know how a Canadian girl can get her hands on some of that cereal?

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  12. No matter what you do, something will kill you dead because no one gets out of life alive. 🙂

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  13. Monk Monkey, this reinforces everything I’ve been taught about Australia: everything there kills you dead, except Light ‘n’ Tasty, which is quite nutritious (okay, only the first of those actually, although Light ‘n’ Tasty sounds pretty good).

    Like

  14. You have two little balls! I’m so sorry about that. Buck up, my friend, I’m sure they work just fine. 😀

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  15. Spiders have 8 legs and can kill me dead it is with a foot of me! If something in the US said Light and Tasty, it would not be true.

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  16. I think your next article should be…18 Things I Don’t Know For Sure….

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