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Long Awkward Pause Presents: March 2014 Horoscopes

by Dr. Horatio Jackson-Smyth PhD, Psychic and Crypto-zoologist
March 2014 is a month with a lot of potential but complicated. March is a month of changes that will require flexibility, calmness and prudence to survive the upcoming Madness.

Mercury has resumed its straight movement after trying out that bi thing for a while and it will now start sorting out some things that have been rather mixed up in the past months. Specifically, all that gossip that lying bitch Barbara in accounting has been spreading around. Mercury’s specialties are communication, information, news, deals, papers and documents, Microsoft Excel, and knowing the “secret” menu at most fast food establishments. However, Mercury is not working at full capacity yet so decisions must be carefully weighed. Quite frankly, Mercury is still a little hung-over. Mercury is a lush.

Venus will finally leave Capricorn where it has stayed for 4 months. I never thought it would last more than a week. As regards to love, couples and collaboration, a cycle will come to its end. It’ll be interesting for everybody to notice what the message of this cycle has been, or not, who give a…anyway, at a general level, relationships will undergo a refreshing process. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, refreshing!

Mars will start its retrograde movement in Libra on March 1st but once again Libra won’t be satisfied and will fake it so Mars still feels like a man. The retrograde will continue until May 20th. It is not usually a good period for starting something new. What starts under the sign of retrograde Mars rarely ends well. Sorry, Cubs fans, this is not your year again. In this interval you are recommended to choose consolidation, remedial work and reorganization – because who doesn’t love remedially reorganizing while giving in to everyone!

aries-zodiac-sign-symbolAries: Mars, the ruler of Aries, will start a retrograde movement which foreshadows a complex period, scattered with unexpected events, in which the development of situations can take sudden turns. In other words, your NCAA brackets are going to be a dumpster fire before the end of the first round. As always Aries, the risk of accidents and incidents will maintain, and exposure to diseases will be greater in the second part of the month. Just like last month!

taurus-zodiac-sign-symbolTaurus: You could face blocks, lack of energy, of motivation or of coordination in carrying out tasks. You will be prone to outbursts of disorganized and impulsive activity. Crisis situations will be everywhere, disagreements, rivalries or other turbulence in the relationships with colleagues or subordinates, maybe even work accidents or other stressful situations will pop up all over the damn place. Holy f*ck Taurus! Just call in sick this month.

gemini-zodiac-sign-symbolGemini: Venus, the planet of love and couples, will finally be in a favorable position, after four months in which it has been in a rather gray area of the horoscope acting like a schizophrenic bitch. Jupiter, the ruler of Gemini’s house of relationships, will be well supported. You don’t have to be a genius to put things together and draw a conclusion: in March your relationships will develop well. Stop! The corollary will only be true for stable and tested relationships. In other words, no hookers for you this month Gemini!

cancer-zodiac-sign-symbolCancer: The most interesting events seem to be related to studies, legal regulations, trips, and long-distance contacts. Cultural activities will be encouraged. Brought to you by Rosetta Stone, on sale now! Even if you are tormented by some concerns, in March you shouldn’t worry about health. You’ll be in a generally good shape and, as long as you don’t overdo it, you don’t really risk causing lack of balance to the body.  So Piggy McPigerson, all you have to do is exercise as much as possible a minimum of 6 hours a day and watch your diet (cutting out everything but kelp), because in 2014 you could put on weight easily.

leo-zodiac-sign-symbolLeo: The first part of the month will be especially appropriate for sharing impressions and ideas, for debating subjects that need to be examined, debating negotiations, even flirts, letter exchanges or sentimental declarations. Basically you’re going to get on everyone’s nerves. Anyway, you’ll have to take care of yourself, and if you suffer from certain ailments, you’ll have to follow the prescribed treatments. However, very serious health problems aren’t likely to occur if you don’t commit any major imprudence. So I guess you’ll need to take up chainsaw juggling next month.

virgo-zodiac-sign-symbolVirgo: With the Sun crossing Virgo’s house of couples, March 2014 must be a significant month sentimentally speaking. The events of the period will highlight how important the couple life is for you, how much it matters for you to feel socially integrated, how special the person you have chosen as your partner is for you. If you are not currently in a relationship then, well, never mind. Your lucky numbers are 1 and 0

libra-zodiac-sign-symbolLibra: Mars’ retrograde movement can bring energy fluctuation to Libra and can even be a risk factor for health. The most secure solution is for you to lead a moderate life and stay away from dangers. So, no more driving while texting or having unprotected sex with strippers for you! A balanced diet, rich in minerals and vitamins, administration of revitalizing supplements, avoidance of coffee, alcohol, cocaine, meth, and other stimulants in excess, as well as sustained physical activity can keep you on the right track. You can, however, do all of the heroin you want this month.

scorpio-zodiac-sign-symbolScorpio: March 2014 will lay emphasis on Scorpio’s creativity and talents. Moreover, it’ll be appropriate for promotion activities. If you want to strengthen your image, present your aptitudes, launch a book, a product, an idea, then you shouldn’t waste time anymore, you should go for it! Book an appearance on Shark Tank now! Be prepared, for you might be in the right place at the right time, so that you can take advantage of an opportunity, of a special occasion. Foreign countries and people, long-distance collaboration and trips will be beneficial, but you’ll also do well in initiatives related to accommodation, premises or real estate. Yes, Scorpio, it is indeed finally time to respond to that Nigerian Prince’s email! Send him your bank account information now!

sagittarius-zodiac-sign-symbolSagittarius: Information and communication will be priorities for Sagittarius in March 2014. You’ll manage intellectual activities admirably and you’ll have great ease in conceiving, editing, writing, translating, calculating or drawing. You can also have success as a speaker or a negotiator. So, launch yourself into the crises in Syria and the Ukraine now! Business meetings and trips will be profitable. And if you want to create something with your own hands, you will now be able to make very beautiful things. That stockpile of Playdough you’ve been hoarding will finally become useful.

capricorn-zodiac-sign-symbolCapricorn: Mercury, the ruler of Capricorn’s house of diseases, resumed its straight movement on February 28th, and if you have had health problems, solutions might be found. However, you cannot relax yet because the situation is not completely solved. You’ll still have to act, and this will imply a trip or some expenses. I know a guy in Canada who can help you Capricorn. Just email me and I will get you in touch with him, but do not see him during the second part of March. He lives in Edmonton in an old abandoned railway car, but trust me, you need to see him before the second part of March. Also, beware of poisonings, infections or contagious diseases in the second part of March.

aquarius-zodiac-sign-symbolAquarius: The atmosphere of March 2014 will have the scent of love. Mercury, the ruler of Aquarius’ house of passion and eroticism, will be right in Aquarius, where Venus, the planet of love, will come too. Is it getting warm in here? You should expect a sensual month that promises delights. With Mercury and Venus by your side, you’ll become sexier, you’ll manifest a greater power of attraction and fascination, you’ll draw attention and seduce without any effort. Seriously, did some turn up the thermostat? You’ll receive compliments, declarations, and you’ll have opportunities with sentimental potential. You can easily be caught in a trap, because the tendency towards pleasures will be big and because you have a major difficulty in saying “no” to temptations. Slut.

pisces-zodiac-sign-symbolPisces: Located precisely in Pisces, the Sun will highlight your qualities, will lend you prestige, will emphasize your qualities of a leader and organizer, and will bring you praise and admiration. The material situation of Pisces will not be as great in March though. Mars will start the retrograde movement in one of Pisces’ houses of money, a fact that can lead to misunderstandings. The heat is turned up way too high right now Pisces. They’ve got taps on your phones and surveillance on your place. So that you don’t experience financial problems, avoid a financially impulsive behavior as much as possible, pay for your obligations on time, renew the insurance and postpone important initiatives for after May 20th and move to a safe house as soon as possible.  Also I think there’s a rat in your crew. Now is not the right time to rob that bank Pisces.



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About Jack DeVoss (77 Articles)
Jackson Holden Solo DeVoss learned how to write poems from an old blind man he met while incarcerated in a Madagascan prison for crime he did not commit. After serving three long hard years, Solo was finally paroled when a wealthly lady friend paid the ransom for his release. Solo then traveled to a Shaolin monastery located high in the mountains of Myanmar; where he learned the mastery of many mystical and ancient arts from the Head Abbot, a crippled monk named Brother Lars who quoted Oscar Wilde too often. Two years later, Brother Lars and most of the other monks were killed - during an attack that was carried out under the cover of a horrendous snowstorm by ninja assassins of the Dark Hand Cult. Solo and a few others escaped, but the monastery was burnt to the ground. After slumming around Southeast Asia for five years, Solo migrated back to his home in the United States - where he became a vigilante crimefighter, fighting against the nefarious schemes of the Dark Hand Cult and its ninja assassins. He also published his first book, 'Names For Boys And Girls' and a collection of poems entitled 'Columbus Lost Another Genius'. Solo now lives in an abandoned church in Columbus, Ohio where he writes freelance, fights crime, and has a major drinking problem.

28 Comments on Long Awkward Pause Presents: March 2014 Horoscopes

  1. NotAPunkRocker // March 10, 2014 at 8:30 am //

    Darn, there go my bank robbing plans for the weekend!

    (not really, NSA. Chillax.)


  2. I’m not avoiding coffee, that’s just so wrong. It’s my only acceptable DOC. ::takes large gulp:: & it’s yum!


  3. Aah, what a co incidence because I just wrote about my star Aries on my blog and here is the article on it! Thanks for the post 🙂


  4. No hookers this month for Gemini! By proxy, that means finances must also be looking up!


  5. I’m just going to stay home with the door locked.


  6. I ate the flaming hot Cheetos last night and now my thumb and pointer finger are stained red.


  7. I’m an Aries married to a Libra.
    Bring it, March. Bring. It.


  8. Man, this was fucking brilliant!


  9. Well Virgo was sucky….lol…..guess I’ll go back in my corner again.


  10. I can do all the heroin I want? Wow. That’s just what I wanted to hear. You promise I won’t die. Of course, Libra will be sensible.


  11. So, as a Gemini, my relationship is going to be stronger than ever. My spouse, who is an Aries, apparently may be bringing home some STD’s at the end of the month. That’s just not fair — I mean, I don’t get any hookers — why should he??


  12. Crap! You knew about the bank! I’m screwed. This is me going to find a safe house.


  13. I’m so glad I stock piled play dough!


  14. That totally rocks! As a Leo cat, I love getting on people’s nerves. It’s gonna be a great month.


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