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What Your Autocorrect Says About You

We all have hated upon our autocorrect when texting, emailing or other text-based functions on our allegedly-smart phones. “Fuck you, Autocorrect!” we scream from our cube farms. You might have been dumped in advance when you open with a flirty ‘Want to have fun later?’ and your evil phone corrected it to ‘Want to have fuck later?’ Hero to zero at the speed of light. Not that I’d know about that.

Drunk texting aside, it pays to check before punching that envelope icon. Measure twice, cut once and such. But what does all of that correcting say about you? I’m saying that maybe, because these autocorrect systems work on your texts and email typing (done with one fat finger)(not that I’m saying you’re fat)(I’m saying you’re an inaccurate spaz), your phone might be trying to tell you something. Some suggestions:

TYPED: ‘a’

CORRECTED: ‘assmunch.’ You are an angry human and need counseling. Alternately, you engage in some odd fun time practices.

~or~

CORRECTED: ‘anal.’ That shit is dangerous. Alternately, you really ought to have at least the first hour of a date under your belt before you suggest the backdoor hammertime, or else nothing will touch that.

TYPED: ‘so’

CORRECTED: ‘sorry.’ You need to man- or woman-up and grow a pair of reproductive glands.

TYPED: ‘later’

CORRECTED: ‘latex gimpsuit and cock ring.’ You clearly are in touch with your inner desires, no matter how fringe they are. Consider a separate phone for your extracurricular ‘friends.’

TYPED: ‘fine’

CORRECTED: ‘fired.’ You are a Trump-esque manager who needs to know how to engage in positive team building. Lose the comb-over and calm the hell down. It’s bad form to fire someone by text or email. Do something about your testosterone.

~or~

CORRECTED: ‘fine.’ You’re a 20-something woman in an argument with your S.O. You’re just fine, really. No, really.

TYPED: ‘sex’

CORRECTED: ‘Season 5, Episode Six, Star Trek the Next Generation.’ Don’t worry, nobody you accidentally sext will understand what the hell you’re talking about anyway. Enjoy ComicCon, and Live Long, and Prosper. Your Klingon costume is bitchen… ka’plah!

TYPED: ‘did’

CORRECTED: ‘dick.’ You should know that transmitting those pictures is a federal offense. You are a member of the House of Representatives.

TYPED: ‘first’

CORRECTED: ‘fisting.’ Again, you engage in unusual and fringe practices. You likely wear adult diapers.

TYPED: ‘did’

CORRECTED: ‘dildo.’ You’re lonely and in need of some human companionship. Alternately, you’re a woman.

TYPED: ‘just’

CORRECTED: ‘Jesus, Our Savior.’ Get off of my fucking porch before I shoot, assmunch. I disconnected the doorbell for a fucking reason.

TYPED: ‘bowl’

CORRECTED: ‘bowl.’ You are a resident of Washington or Colorado and we envy you. Dick.

TYPED: ‘you’

CORRECTED: ‘YOLO.’ You are under the age of 20 and the reason Micronesia will someday invade and conquer this country. And Canada, our hat, will laugh at us.

Hope you’ve enjoyed a sojourn into the realm of your phone’s mind, whatever that is. Since someone under 20 will need to know, I have an Android. And none of these have cropped up on my phone.

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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

51 Comments on What Your Autocorrect Says About You

  1. Autocorrect may have life much easier, but it also made relationships much messier. But, that’s life and my android phone is making my life more exciting especially if I tried to message someone formally but ends up creating a text that is nasty..

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  2. I sent someone a message who had suffered a recent bereavement. I thought I was writing ‘my thoughts are with you’ at the end of the message, but it was only after I sent it that I discovered that my phone had auto corrected it to ‘my thongs are with you.’ I’m not sure my thongs would have been much comfort to her…

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  3. Surprisingly, I became mildly excited by the thought of being texted “latex gimpsuit and cock ring.” Maybe this autocorrect thing isn’t so bad.

    Like

  4. NotAPunkRocker // March 7, 2014 at 8:17 am //

    Mine thinks LOL is LOLITA. Not sure how that got in there, but it cured me of using that term so damn much.

    Like

  5. 1jaded1 // March 7, 2014 at 8:53 am //

    Funny*2+new. Deja vu. Fisting is eww and wants to come up as “distingushed” on autocorrect. Umm ok?

    Like

  6. What does it mean if my autocorrect randomly puts words in all caps? Deep-seated anger issues?

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  7. Latex gimpsuit and cock ring X’D

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  8. This is all so very familiar.
    It’s better the second time around.
    Or maybe I’m clairvoyant.
    Oh. Yes. Yes please!

    Like

  9. Another reason why I have a ‘dumb phone’. Keeps me from texting and making a fool out of myself. I can do that in other ways.

    Like

  10. My wife texted me something which I found mildly amusing. I replied back, “Hah!”. Sadly, my mentally challenged phone took the Freudian slip route and sent her the message “Hag!”. I also wrote something to her about a latex gimp suit and got no reply, maybe it wrote “later”.

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  11. Drunk texting aside? That’s half my problem.

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  12. Pretty good stuff! For real, I sometimes hate autocorrect, because I can actually spell. Of course, I DO make typos and that’s when I appreciate it. But when I’m deliberately going off the supposed norm, it pisses me off! Of course, I’m talking about regular typing, not texting as I have a cheap pay as you go phone so it has no features. You guyz problem is you are using text shorthand and smartphones and the auto feature doesn’t take shorthand into consideration. Even when I text on my cell, I use proper English. And, I don’t Twitter so no chance of that shorthand coming into play there…

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  13. This week while I was working and my phone was locked in a desk drawer, it responded by itself to an incoming text. Its answer was “Machismo lp”. I have no idea where that came from. I’m glad it hasn’t (yet) developed the ability to click ‘send’.

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  14. We Canadians are always laughing at you guys.

    Like

  15. Mine corrected “Hagfag” to “Afghan” this morning.

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  16. I am grateful I also have an Android and have never had any of these particular auto corrects happen to me. As a Canadian I can tell you that my US neighbouring country is always a source of amusement and I always look forward to another laugh.

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  17. The owner of our company (of about 500 employees) is called Gord. Word insists he has to be either “gourd” or “God”. I pointed that out to him one day when he was visiting our terminal and asked him which he preferred as I was getting tired of correcting the autocorrect. He agreed to be called God (had a good sense of humor) and declared that since I had a beard, I’d be Jesus. Anytime after he called (when he thought it was me answering) he would start the conversation with; “God here, how ya doin’ Jesus?” Occassionally he would have the wrong person and it was reported to me that it was somewhat unnerving to answer the phone and have the person say; “God here.” Solved the auto correct problem though – just changed reality to match the autocorrect.

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  18. Your autocorrect is weird!

    Like

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