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Surviving In Australia

Dearest friends (and enemies – I love you too),

Were you aware that the average life expectancy in Australia is just 27 (for men) and 28 (for women)? And do you know why? Why, it’s because of this picture which you should click on if you want to make it bigger:

Deadly killer snakes!

Only in Australia!

Wherever you turn, something in Australia is out to kill you – whether it has six legs (spider), 2 legs (walking snake) or no legs (non-walking snake)! Even if you don’t turn, and just go straight-ahead all the time, you will probably still fall into a crocodile-infested creek (known there as a “billabong” or, sometimes, a “creek”).

So what is the answer, dear listener? What can be done? Well, thanks to a very popular author/holy man/humorist (me) there is now a quick to read and easy to understand guide for those poor souls living down under! I call it Surviving past 27 in Australia and it is full of juicy tips and greasy tricks to ensure you might survive the night if ever you should visit there! (Just wipe your chin after reading.) We think that you will find the book helpful and most enjoyable. AND IT COULD SAVE YOUR FREAKING LIFE!

And now, for no charge at all (unless you want to pay, of course, no one is stopping you) – I present three small excerpts from the book. One each from the chapters on Snakes, Spiders and Sharks! ENJOY! AND MAY YOU LIVE PAST THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 27, YOU SWEET AUSSIE MAN, AND PAST 28, YOU DEXTEROUS AUSSIE SHEILA!

SNAKES!
SNAKES! The very mention of the word sends a chill up many a trouser leg!
SNAKES! The longest, scariest, deadliest thing in the world!
SNAKES! Legless lizards who are out for a nice meal (or meals)!
Yes, friends, beware of the snake – the scariest thing known to man or beast. These terrible creatures are full of a kill-lust that must be quenched. Beware them, oh, fleet footed champion, if you wish to keep your fleetness and/or your feet!
They are silent, but deadly, with massive fangs dripping with deadly venom. Let them attach temeselves to you via these fangs and you will be pumped full of spicy venom that could kill a horse! Once a snake attaches to your arm it will NEVER come off! Even if you cut it in half with an axe, the snake will continue to try and kill and then eat your severed limb!
So if you wish to live, BEWARE of the SNAKE!
Snakes!

Snakes!

SHARKS!
SHARKS! Snakes’ deadly cousins are looking for you and are even more deadly than the deadliest of SNAKES!

SHARKS! With their dozens of razor sharp teeth and VENOM! Deadly venom that could kill seventeen cows if they were floating in the sea.
People look like cows floating when they swim and the undiscerning shark is more than ready to eat you! Don’t become a shark’s beef meal!
SHARKS CAN KILL YOU UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD and there is no coming back from death!
So stay out of the water, the jungles, everywhere, as there are many, many people and animals who are trying to kill you such as the fearsome and terrifying SHARK!!!

Sharks!

Sharks!

SPIDERS!
SPIDERS! These six-legged insects are certainly out to get you if you didn’t know that already!

SPIDERS! They ride to your house on the back of a shark or a snake just in order to get a whiff of you if not to eat you whole!
SPIDERS! With their vile, sticky webs they hang down over you at night as you sleep and bite you on the neck and then run away and in the morning you are dying and no one knows why because they can’t see or notice the small little spot at the back of your neck that is probably covered by a few hairs or something – the tell-tale sign that you have been BITTEN BY A SPIDER!
AND ONCE SPIDERS HAVE GOTTEN A TASTE OF YOU THEY ALWAYS COME BACK FOR MORE UNTIL THEY HAVE EATEN YOU UP!
Spiders can be small OR AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD and their VENOM could KILL A HORSE OR TWO GIRAFFES IF IT GOT LUCKY! Are you not worth more than a couple of dumb giraffes? STAY CLEAR OF THE SPIDER!

Spiders!

Spiders!

Count yourself lucky that you do not live in Australia. And if you do, WATCH YOUR BACK!

Amen.

—–

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59 Comments on Surviving In Australia

  1. Perhaps the trick is to avoid blind horses, cows floating in the sea, and unlucky giraffes. Sort of like never beaming down to the planet with your red shirt on.

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  2. google ‘huntsman spider’ please.
    you’re welcome.

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  3. Regarding the snake image: in Chicago, that same thing happens, only with pigeons.

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  4. Working on my Aussie walkabout itinerary as I type…

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  5. Completely creeped out by the pictures and on my way to Australia now to smack you upside the head for posting them!

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  6. I’m not going to Australia!

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  7. If there are rampant clowns there, I’m never going. EVER.

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  8. I’m pretty sure I know what my nightmare will be about tonight. A spider riding a snake wrapped around a shark. I never really wanted to go to Australia anyway. Really.

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  9. I’m still going to Australia someday. Maybe I’ll wrap myself in tape or something. Do you think this would help at all?

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  10. I laughed about your humorous comments, but I too know what I’ll be having nightmares of tonight. By the way, do you genuinely think sharks are venomous or was that a joke? I googled it but could find little information about venomous sharks.

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  11. Too bad they’re not each others favorite snack.

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  12. Lots of icky bugs down under! What a place!

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  13. Wow. No. Don’t think I could ever live there.

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  14. hmmm… interesting. Yes it’s true, pretty much everything here will kill you. I’m hoping that you’re also planning a chapter on people suffering an ‘ice’-rage…?? They also will kill you. Just another one to add to the list. MEANWHILE, I’m born and raised in Australia and turned 31 in november… which is past my 27yr old life expectancy… does that make me some kind of supreme human being? Am I considered a ‘survivor’??

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  15. Monk Monkey,
    It’s as I suspected: anyone over 28 in Australia is some sort of Superman/Crocodile Dundee hybrid. I assume you need kevlar socks to go out hiking.

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  16. Spiders have 8 legs and are the most disgusting creature in the world……snakes are at least afraid of us.

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  17. Working as a native at an Australian boarding school, there’s nothing more fun than scaring the English Gap year staff with tales of spiders, snakes and possums 🙂

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  18. Not to mention the foot long blue tongue lizards that look just like snakes if viewed from the wrong end…

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  19. As an Australian, I feel that I should point out that 1. spiders have 8 legs and 2. NOBODY can avoid spiders. They’re everywhere. Every type. During the day, during the night. I’m a 28 year old Australian female, so I’m expected to die this year… I feel this gives me the excuse to nit-pick your spider leg disillusion.

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  20. I am a rare 30 year old Australian. Beating the odds and keeping an eye out for whatever dangerous animal is going to kill me.

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