America In Crisis: Clown Shortage 2014

National Clown Week is celebrated the first week of every August. This year’s festivities might be in jeopardy due to a record drop in enrollment of the world’s famous Clown College.

That’s right, not including the politicians, America might finally be running into a critical shortage of clowns.

For over 30 years anyone and everyone who dreamed of becoming a politician   clown attended Clown College in Sarasota, Florida. There they learn the fine art of makeup, juggling, stilt walking, over-sized shoe dancing, car stuffing, and water turned into confetti fire fighting. The creme of the creme clowns made it into the big show; The Ringling Barnum and Bailey’s Circus. The students in the bottom half end up taking out ads in Craig’s List for snotty 8 year old’s birthday parties and bar mitzvahs. 

We here at Long Awkward Pause are a little sadden by the potential clownpocalypse and started to reminisce about some of the most famous clowns:

1.  Ronald McDonald

Ronald McDonald is probably the most famous clown of them all. Ronald is known for peddling his burgers and fries on the unsuspecting youth of America, while clogging their arteries, adding fat cells to their bellies, and instilling a need for cheap China-made plastic toys every time they eat. Ronald does donate to several charities for sick children and the Special Olympics, however that does not over shadow the fact that he used to hang with several friends who suddenly just disappeared…anyone seen Mayor McCheese recently? The Hamburglar? Any of the Fry Guys? No?

Ba da bop bop boooop I’m lovin it!

2.  Bozo the Clown

Bozo was a beloved clown that showed movies every Sunday morning that made you want to skip Church. Especially that one movie where they shrunk the scientists and injected them into a human body…and then they had to battle white blood cells and a wrong turns into the small colon. Such a good movie…didn’t they get sneezed out at the end?

Unfortunately, your Bozo the Clown was a lie, because come to find out, there were several Bozo the Clowns all at the same time across the country. The Bozo that played cheesy old movies in the Northwest was not the same Bozo that showed West World for the seventh Sunday in a row in the South.

Which now leads to the phrase, “My Bozo was better than your Bozo…Bozo!”

3.  The Joker

Batman’s arch nemesis…The Joker. This clown would never be caught dead riding an elephant for a crowd of popcorn filled cheeked children during the Saturday matinee of the circus. Instead this permanent-grinned baddy would rather torment the city of Gotham and it’s super hero vigilante. The Joker was far from a cute, wise cracking, anti-hero…for he preferred psychological torture, murder, and  genocide as opposed to making balloon animals or just plain being the silliest villain ever…I’m talking about you, Penguin!

“Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

4.  “It”

What is more lovable than a clown living in the sewers that lures kids into it’s lair and tries to eat them? How about that said clown is actually a giant spider that likes to lure kids into the sewer and try to eat them.

These are things one can only learn in clown college.

5.  Krusty the Clown

Chain-smoking, alcoholic, burnt out show performer who shows ultra-violent cartoons to…well…other cartoons. Krusty hates his show, hates his fans, and hates his success. Also much like the first clown on our list, he has no conscious when it comes to the fating of America with his fast food chain. We will give Krusty a little bit of an edge because his burger is so very delicious.

So maybe, essentially, what we have learned here is that…

Clowns are evil!

Other examples of evil clowns:

John Wayne Gacy * The clown from Poltergeist * Shakes the Clown * Sweet Tooth from Twisted Metal * Violator from Spawn * Harley Quinn from Batman* Every Mime ever * The Insane Clown Posse * Killer Klowns From Outer Space * Flunkie the Clown from David Letterman Show * Pat Robertson * Homey the Clown from In Living Color…

And the list goes on and on…

Maybe it’s okay to have a clown shortage after all.

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