Ever wish you were boinking your celebrity crush instead of your current boyfriend/girlfriend/hand? Think again. Sure, celebs may be rich, famous and pockmark-free, but once you see what it’s really like to date them, you’ll be running away faster than Taylor Swift darts to the drugstore for Plan B.
So, to commemorate the holiday everyone hates, we give you the following list of celebs you probably don’t want to date on V-day:
1. Kim Kardashian
“But I wanted the Bugatti!”
Remember the time Kim threw a crying hissy fit when she lost her diamond earring in her private ocean outside her private tiki hut on her private (besides the cameras) vacation in Tahiti? Yeah. Good luck cleaning up that blubbery mess when you give her the wrong luxury car.
2. Justin Bieber
“Yo, babe, let’s snort an 8-ball then go TP Usher’s house.”
What happened to the cute little lesbo with the floppy hair and all the talent? Bieber is now assaulting limosine drivers, drunk drag racing in Miami and egging the homes of his neighbors. We think it’s time to start a new office pool: How many days till the Bieb is in rehab?
3. Jared Leto
“My hair is silkier, my skin is smoother and my body is tighter. Face it, I’m a hotter woman than you’ll ever be.”
Jared Leto was prettier than all of us even when he had a buzz cut. Did he really have to grow out this shiny mane just to mock women everywhere? Our self esteem is now lower than a teenage girl’s after reading Cosmopolitan magazine. (Confession: we’d still hit that.)
“Go ahead and cheat, wanker, I’m going make millions off of you, lol, lol.”
Is it wrong that we kinda want Adele to get screwed over repeatedly just so she can continue putting out freaking amazing music? Now that she’s happily boo’d up with a baby, we’re afraid her next record might come out sounding like Rebecca Black.
5. Harry Styles
One Direction’s hottest member is rumored to have an penchant for masses of asses. Hope you’re down for a little VD on VD.
6. Tom Cruise
Oh, Tom Cruise, the jig has long been up. Just come out of the goddamn closet already. Don’t you know gay men are far more respected in Hollywood today than Scientologists?
7. Katie Holmes
Katie Holmes’ brains, talent and personality is equivalent to that of a high-end Japanese blow-up doll. But the doll doesn’t need dinner or have Tom Cruise’s Gucci-wearing, spoiled brat kid at home. The choice is obvious.
8. Adam Levine
Today: “I pushed my button for you! I want you! I love you!”
Two weeks later: “You’re going home.”
There’s no question that Adam Levine is a fine, fine man. But his love life mirrors his behavior on The Voice — lots of sweet talk to get you on his team (or, ahem, in bed), then shortly thereafter, dumpsville. Why do you think he still uses pay phones? So you can’t call him back after he gives you the axe.
9. Pharrell Williams
“I don’t care if it’s Le Cirque, I’m not taking off my hat.”
You think it’s tough getting your boyfriend to put on a tie to go out to dinner? Hey, at least he doesn’t have a wide-brimmed rhinoceros turd on his head.
10. Miley Cyrus
“You want me to do what? Gawwwd, why does everyone think I’m a slut?!”
Okay, Miley, you’re not a slut. But when you jiggle your ass in the air like that you kinda do resemble a baboon in heat who’s presenting to her mate.
11. Peyton Manning
“I’m so worthless I couldn’t even make a pass at you. Just leave me alone with my Papa John’s.”
Can you imagine a more depressing Valentine’s Day than one spent with Peyton Manning? He certainly won’t be connecting with his receiver or reaching the end zone tonight. Everybody loses.
12. Lady Gaga
“Let’s dress up like birds and make love atop a mountain of ground beef whilst three shirtless gay men prick us with hypodermic needles.”
If you’re going out with Gaga, we hope you’ve got an open mind, a high tolerance for pain and a voluminous stash of ecstasy. Also, check your ego at the door when she pulls out a penis that’s longer and thicker than yours.
13. Angelina Jolie
“NEED. MORE. BABIES!!!”
You think she’ll settle for a box of chocolates? The woman who tongued her brother at the Oscars then donned a locket of Billy Bob’s blood is now America’s most notorious baby hoarder. We suspect she’s secretly curating children’s eyeballs as the final ingredient in a witchypoo brew she’ll use to poison Sandra Bullock.
14. R. Kelly
“Hey little girl, I just drank a gallon of water and put Saran Wrap on the bed. It’s go time.”
If your idea of a romantic Valentine’s Day is serving as this man’s personal urinal, then R. Kelly gets your candy heart. But don’t bother if you’re of legal voting age. Superperv prefers them before the pubic hair sprouts.
Did we miss any?