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14 Celebrities You Don’t Want to Date on Valentine’s Day

Ever wish you were boinking your celebrity crush instead of your current boyfriend/girlfriend/hand? Think again. Sure, celebs may be rich, famous and pockmark-free, but once you see what it’s really like to date them, you’ll be running away faster than Taylor Swift darts to the drugstore for Plan B.

So, to commemorate the holiday everyone hates, we give you the following list of celebs you probably don’t want to date on V-day:

1. Kim Kardashian

kimkcrying

“But I wanted the Bugatti!”

Remember the time Kim threw a crying hissy fit when she lost her diamond earring in her private ocean outside her private tiki hut on her private (besides the cameras) vacation in Tahiti? Yeah. Good luck cleaning up that blubbery mess when you give her the wrong luxury car.

2. Justin Bieber

bieberrunning

“Yo, babe, let’s snort an 8-ball then go TP Usher’s house.”

What happened to the cute little lesbo with the floppy hair and all the talent? Bieber is now assaulting limosine drivers, drunk drag racing in Miami and egging the homes of his neighbors. We think it’s time to start a new office pool: How many days till the Bieb is in rehab?

3. Jared Leto

jaredleto

“My hair is silkier, my skin is smoother and my body is tighter. Face it, I’m a hotter woman than you’ll ever be.”

Jared Leto was prettier than all of us even when he had a buzz cut. Did he really have to grow out this shiny mane just to mock women everywhere? Our self esteem is now lower than a teenage girl’s after reading Cosmopolitan magazine. (Confession: we’d still hit that.)

4. Adele

adele

“Go ahead and cheat, wanker, I’m going make millions off of you, lol, lol.”

Is it wrong that we kinda want Adele to get screwed over repeatedly just so she can continue putting out freaking amazing music? Now that she’s happily boo’d up with a baby, we’re afraid her next record might come out sounding like Rebecca Black.

5. Harry Styles

harrystylesorgy

“Mmm. Orgy.”

One Direction’s hottest member is rumored to have an penchant for masses of asses. Hope you’re down for a little VD on VD.

6. Tom Cruise

tomcruiseharry

“Mmm. Harry.”

Oh, Tom Cruise, the jig has long been up. Just come out of the goddamn closet already. Don’t you know gay men are far more respected in Hollywood today than Scientologists?

7. Katie Holmes

katieholmesbubble

“.”

Katie Holmes’ brains, talent and personality is equivalent to that of a high-end Japanese blow-up doll. But the doll doesn’t need dinner or have Tom Cruise’s Gucci-wearing, spoiled brat kid at home. The choice is obvious.

8. Adam Levine

adamlevine

Today:I pushed my button for you! I want you! I love you!”
Two weeks later: “You’re going home.”

There’s no question that Adam Levine is a fine, fine man. But his love life mirrors his behavior on The Voice — lots of sweet talk to get you on his team (or, ahem, in bed), then shortly thereafter, dumpsville. Why do you think he still uses pay phones? So you can’t call him back after he gives you the axe.

9. Pharrell Williams

pharrellhat

“I don’t care if it’s Le Cirque, I’m not taking off my hat.”

You think it’s tough getting your boyfriend to put on a tie to go out to dinner? Hey, at least he doesn’t have a wide-brimmed rhinoceros turd on his head.

10. Miley Cyrus

miley

“You want me to do what? Gawwwd, why does everyone think I’m a slut?!”

Okay, Miley, you’re not a slut. But when you jiggle your ass in the air like that you kinda do resemble a baboon in heat who’s presenting to her mate.

11. Peyton Manning

peyton

I’m so worthless I couldn’t even make a pass at you. Just leave me alone with my Papa John’s.

Can you imagine a more depressing Valentine’s Day than one spent with Peyton Manning? He certainly won’t be connecting with his receiver or reaching the end zone tonight. Everybody loses.

12. Lady Gaga

ladygaga

“Let’s dress up like birds and make love atop a mountain of ground beef whilst three shirtless gay men prick us with hypodermic needles.”

If you’re going out with Gaga, we hope you’ve got an open mind, a high tolerance for pain and a voluminous stash of ecstasy. Also, check your ego at the door when she pulls out a penis that’s longer and thicker than yours.

13. Angelina Jolie

angelinajolie

“NEED. MORE. BABIES!!!”

You think she’ll settle for a box of chocolates? The woman who tongued her brother at the Oscars then donned a locket of Billy Bob’s blood is now America’s most notorious baby hoarder. We suspect she’s secretly curating children’s eyeballs as the final ingredient in a witchypoo brew she’ll use to poison Sandra Bullock.

14. R. Kelly

rkelly

“Hey little girl, I just drank a gallon of water and put Saran Wrap on the bed. It’s go time.”

If your idea of a romantic Valentine’s Day is serving as this man’s personal urinal, then R. Kelly gets your candy heart. But don’t bother if you’re of legal voting age. Superperv prefers them before the pubic hair sprouts.

Did we miss any?

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About Naomi Lane (6 Articles)
I am a single girl dating in Los Angeles. Sometimes. It's interesting.

57 Comments on 14 Celebrities You Don’t Want to Date on Valentine’s Day

  1. Jaded is fine, but why’d he have to grow that hair? Was better when it was short and pink.

    Like

  2. NotAPunkRocker // February 14, 2014 at 7:11 am //

    That’s the hottest member of One Direction? Nick Rhodes or Simon LeBon were much hotter back when I was a kid.

    Like

  3. I was worried when I got to Jared Leto because yes, I’d totally would hit that. Haha!

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  4. You missed Taylor Swift 😀

    Like

  5. I would like to take Pharrell’s hat on a romantic dinner.

    Like

  6. I think you’re being unfair here; you’ve left out a LOADS of equally innappropriate celebrity dates. I’m not going to name names though. They know who they are.

    Like

  7. Ha–that gif of Lady Gaga is priceless! 🙂

    Like

  8. The best laugh of the day: “Don’t you know gay men are far more respected in Hollywood today than Scientologists?”

    Like

  9. I’m gonna go get a copy of Us Weekly and find out who half of the people on that list are.

    Like

  10. This is perfect.

    Like

  11. Completely awesome! Tom Cruise…HA!

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    • I mean, really. He really does need to just come out. We shoulda known back when he was dancing around in tighty whiteys and an Oxford shirt.

      Like

      • I think Scientology = gay for the actors. Just look at Travolta. Joke. Go Ellen Page, I think the women have more courage. Tom is so far in the closet it’s actually funny!

        Like

  12. Wouldn’t touch any of it even if I wasn’t busy making cigarette-butt sculptures and aligning my dinnerware in the pantry.

    Like

    • OK, when I first read that I wasn’t thinking sculptures made of cig butts, I was thinking butt sculptures made of cigarettes. Something may be wrong with me. Either way, I’d like a pic of these sculptures, cig-butts or butt-butts.

      Like

  13. *Raises Hand*

    I have a couple of questions:

    1.) What direction?

    2.) And who the fuck names their kid Harry Styles? Sounds like a 70’s porno actor.

    Like

  14. Yes, you, you in the back.

    1. One Direction… to my pants! Ar ar ar.
    2. Des Styles and Anne Cox, that’s who. He was born to be a pop star. Or porn star. I guess he lucked out.

    Like

  15. That’s quite the lineup. All very scary. Suddenly my He-Who doesn’t look so bad.

    Like

  16. Stunningly brilliant piece. How have I missed this blog?

    Like

  17. Quite a comprehensive list! I think you missed Taylor Swift – who’ll dump you like a hot potato then make up a song about you if you give her the wrong gift!

    Like

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