Latest And Greatest

Facebook Stalking 101

Of all the things you lose in a breakup, access to your ex’s facebook may be the worst.  If ever there were a reason to “stay friends” this is it.

12:42PM – He likes another girl’s check-in at a restaurant.

Translation: He was obviously cheating on you the entire time.

3:16PM – He posts a photo of his dog and some random brunette leaves a “how cute” comment.

Translation: He was obviously cheating on you the entire time.

9:02AM – He makes a vaguely positive statement about life.

Translation: He was obviously cheating on you the entire time.

The only thing worse than being confronted with such staggering evidence is not having access to it at all– but even if he’s unfriended you, there are still options.

Option A: The Invisibility Cloak

tumblr_inline_mmk19fdv7A1qz4rgp

A limited amount of intel can be gleaned from his public profile but beyond amassing a list of women to judge based on the fact they like his recently updated relationship status, this trail will soon run cold.

Option B: The Proxy Stalk

zooey

Assuming he hasn’t deleted every last one of your close friends, you can still use their account to infiltrate his personal life.  The only drawback is that you must be willing to let your friends see just how low you’ve sunk and that you spend the last 4 hours of every night refreshing his timeline.

Option C: The Fake Family Member 

imagesCAHRARGM

Step 1: Research—Identify all family members on his friend list, stalk their extended family members and create a matrix of any that do not appear to already be friends with your ex.  Choose one person who has a relatively public profile from which you can mine data and photos.

Step 2: Groundwork—create an email address using this relative’s name.  Do not think about things like identity theft; this is the internet, no one is who they say they are.  Use this e-mail address to create a new stalker facebook account with the same name, location, employment history, and photos.

Step 3: Execute— Send your ex a friend request, sit back and wait for him to casually hit “accept” without looking back.

Step 4: Devolve – Do nothing for the next 6 hours as you read every single status and comment, examining each post for clues as to his infidelity and willingness to move on without you.

Step 5: Celebrate—You now have a secret window through which you can watch his every move.  When he gets a new girlfriend you’ll be able to painfully track their relationship and point out all her flaws as you lay in an empty bed, getting older.

Step 6: Expand – If it starts to look serious with this new girlfriend then it’s time to go ahead and send her a friend request as well.  Try to wait at least 4 days after they start dating.  She will think she’s being accepted into the family and you will be able to look through all 4,752 of her photos and let your friends know that she once made a culturally insensitive remark in 2009.

Additional Tips:

Haymitch-and-Katniss-the-hunger-games-30759207-500-211

DO: Continue to check in on a daily basis—this will support your theory that breaking up with you was the worst decision of his life and that his new girlfriend wears ill-fitting dresses and has weird hands.

DON’T: Forget to log out—Nothing says “WTF” like having one of your selfies show up under his elderly aunt’s facebook account.

DO: Take full advantage of the “Check-In” Feature—If you time it just right and leave your car idling you should be able to show up wherever he is and show him how fabulous and sane you are.

DON’T: Reveal your sources – if you want to send him angry texts at 2AM, feel free.  Just be sure not to mention anything you’ve learned from stalking his page.

This information is meant to be taken seriously.  The 12-18 months following a breakup are an important time of obsession and misplaced hope.  With the help of facebook, this phase can be extended several years, possibly even for the rest of your life.  His world is your oyster—now go out and stalk it.

SOUND LIKE SOMEBODY YOU KNOW?  SEND IT TO A FRIEND!

Click HERE to join up with us on Facebook

Click HERE to follow us on Twitter

Advertisements
About Aussa Lorens (3 Articles)
Some mistakes are too good not to share.

88 Comments on Facebook Stalking 101

  1. Oh boy. Again I say we start our own private investigation firm. I am all too familiar with FB stalking, drive bys, casual ‘run ins’, cutting off cable TV …..

    Like

  2. I laughed after almost every sentence. You are so god damn funny! Oh wait, i mean, it was serious. OK, I get it. *go stalks all my exes*

    Like

    • That’s right– a chuckle is acceptable but the most important thing is that we take these words into immediate practice and make them a part of our lives going forward.

      Like

  3. Reblogged this on poohloversunite and commented:
    THIS IS PERFECT!
    Now all I have to do is get a Facebook…
    And find somebody to stalk. That too.

    Like

  4. I can see where this would be useful… but I have a better insight to my ex’s life. I kind of wish I could cut it off, actually. One of my high school friends married my ex’s younger brother. I used to hear all the family drama.

    Long story short. Thank God I ended that relationship. That was a close one.

    Like

    • Yikes, I know the feeling of a bullet dodged. I know it well. That’s weird when “your people” start overlapping like that and it only ever seems to happen in the most awkward of ways.

      Like

      • Well… that friend and I had a bit of a falling out towards the end of college… so I get no more information. The stories had slowed anyway since he basically abandoned his family.

        Like

  5. The sick part is that I went through the opposite of this while my now husband and I were separated a few years ago. He insisted we keep in touch because I was his best friend and he didn’t want to lose that. So, I stayed friends on Facebook with him and had to sit and watch him find someone only a couple of short months after our breakup, heard him say he was in love with her and be told he was taking her home to meet the family. All the while I was in my own personal hell being his “best friend” through it all. Hearing how their sex wasn’t very good and she never eats much when they go to restaurants so him being a foodie was at an end. When he told me he was seeing her I put a stop to the contact telling him I wanted him to be happy but didn’t want to watch it happening…but he didn’t let it happen for long and was back to giving me updates on email and phone calls. Not long after the visit home to meet the family he broke up with her and called me to try to get me back. Fun times…Facebook sucks.

    Like

    • ddupre315: I know I don’t have any context for this beyond what you’ve provided, but this really does sound like manipulative red-flag behavior on the guy’s part. I can’t imagine breaking up with someone and not blocking them simply out of kindness and good sense, if I had taken up with someone else and was posting about it.

      Also what kind of guy posts about his girlfriend that their sex isn’t that great, on freaking Facebook? That’s really douchey.

      Like

      • Oh he didn’t post that on FB, he told me in private, on the phone mostly about the personal stuff.

        It was not a conscious manipulation on his part, more of just not really wanting to let me go. In the end we belonged together but needed that year apart to sort ourselves out a bit.

        We are happily married now.

        Like

        • Sorry ddupre315, that was insensitive of me.

          I do agree that Facebook can really suck, though.

          Like

          • Not at all, I can see how you would read it that way. It was manipulative, he just didn’t do it maliciously. It was love the entire time, he just didn’t see how it was killing me.

            Yeh FB – that year I was still friends with his family on there too, that kinda sucked too but they liked me and wanted to stay in touch.

            Like

            • ddupre315: There is something about the interconnected structure on FB, and the speed and immediacy of the feed, and lack of comment controls, that lends itself to all sorts of awkward juxtipositions. That was a lot of why I deleted my account. I’d be happily going along posting my own business, and suddenly somebody I had halfway forgotten I’d friended would show up and lambaste me. It was like Facebook PSTD. Also their mods are nuts.

              Like

    • Oh man, Diana this comment gave me a bit of a heavy heart but I had to be like “wait no, they are together now!” That sounds pretty damn excruciating… you clearly are a good friend to him because I’m not sure I would have been able to handle that. Facebook most definitely sucks.

      Like

  6. That was extremely funny, and now thanks to you, I know how to cover my tracks on Facebook so that my ex will never know what’s going on with me. Awesome, thanks for sharing.

    Like

  7. you mean to tell me that these “FREAKS” truly exist?

    SCARY Shittttt!, man.

    hope I never become one. HAaa

    Like

  8. There is only one Madam Aussa. (I’m too sober to make haunted inbox sounds. Working on it, though.)

    Like

    • I was cleaning out my inbox earlier (so horrible at emails, so so bad) and saw it actually!!!! It was making all sorts of frightening haunted sounds. I promise– you are in my reading queue!

      Like

  9. It’s good Facebook wasn’t around when I broke up with my boyfriend. I’ve been married for years now, but a while back I thought I’d see if he had a Facebook page. He didn’t. He did, however, have a MySpace page. WTF. I didn’t even know that still existed. Talk about dodging a bullet there!

    Like

    • Ha! The ultimate definition of a “bullet dodged” is a guy who still has a MySpace in 2013/14!!!

      Like

      • I dunno about that, Aussa. Maybe an *active* Myspace page. I was going to look into the JT reboot for a music blog I was writing for at one time to see if it morphed more successfully into a music sharing social network, i.e. report back with a post.

        Other than that, it was handy for retrieving photos I’d lost my stored copies of– some of the “15 Years of Love” photos were cached at Myspace.

        Like

  10. I’m one of the “ancients” who don’t really understand Facebook. However, I’ve found I’m pretty safe if I don’t allow anyone to see anything and refuse all friend requests. Have I mentioned I’m incredibly lonely? 😉

    Like

    • “However, I’ve found I’m pretty safe if I don’t allow anyone to see anything and refuse all friend requests. Have I mentioned I’m incredibly lonely? ;)”

      That’s so Zen, Jana. Like one face booking.

      Like

    • Haha! Jana I think your facebook practices reflect a healthy respect for boundaries!

      Like

  11. Yes, feed that obsession. What could possibly go wrong? For you, that is. Obviously things going wrong for your ex are all good.

    Like

  12. nice, a bit scary, but maybe I’ll give it a go

    Like

  13. Aiming for Simplicity // January 30, 2014 at 6:03 am //

    That’s where I went wrong with the ex…dammit, too late now, I defriended him

    Like

  14. You could also use these helpful tips to prove the people your children are dating aren’t good enough for them.

    Like

  15. hahahahahha this is GREAT! And so very true. It’s something none of us like to admit, but that we have all done at one point or another. I can even identify doing this with x friends I have moved on from. It’s like, in that moment, you are over the person and do not want them in your life anymore. 24 hours later you are dying to see what’s happening new in their life so that you can confirm you totally made the best decision by saying audios! And who doesn’t like to check on their x’s page and see how “awesome” their life is going. :p

    Like

    • You know… I’ve suddenly had a thought and maybe I got this all wrong– what if facebook is, in fact, helping us be less crazy because now we can do all of this from behind the cloak of anonymity as opposed to just tailing people in our cars like the good old days.

      Like

  16. Mal Content // January 30, 2014 at 9:24 am //

    What did stalkers do before Facebook? Their life was all “telephoto lenses” and “hiding in bushes”. Way less convenient.

    The line about laying in an empty bed, getting older, made me laugh more than anything else I’ve read this week.

    Like

    • It was a chaotic time of pounding the pavement and developing your stalker photos through Kodak. Incredibly arduous and time consuming.
      Glad I gave you the laugh– I obviously have no idea what it’s like to lay in bed and slowly age while obsessing over something. No idea at all.

      Like

    • I actually dated a guy that admitted to me that he hid in the bushes and drove past his ex girlfriend’s house sometimes…and yes I actually stuck around for a bit after that lol. He was interesting to say the least.

      Like

  17. Good lord this is such a scary blog post that it should be banned. What makes it even worse is that I’ve done 73% of your suggestions myself successfully. God that makes me seem like such a stalker.

    Like

  18. The fake family member is epic, though I’m guessing the most effective. I have a friend that regularly stalks her husband now that they are separated because she knows his password and just logs herself in and trawls through his messages. I’m just thinking, ‘no good can come from this!’

    Like

  19. The possibilities are endless now with everyone faking their true selves. What’s real anymore, Aussa? Stalking is alive and well. This we know! Someone is probably stalking someone every second of the day!

    Like

  20. I only think about exes when I’m EXTREMELY bored and restless…can’t really think of any of them “worth” the actual work of stalking lol. Now an old high school crush that never knew I was alive, yes (I see how this is even creepier…but it’s only a quick semi stalk…really)

    Like

  21. When my daughter & her husband split up & she moved back to Canada, we all thought it was amicable – until he “unfriended” her. Then over the next few weeks, systematically “unfriended” every member of her family. We used to use FB to keep up to date on what they were doing in North Carolina (when they were a couple) since we lived so far away. Her ex-husband & I used to play some FB games together until he “unfriended” me too! So sad!

    Like

    • Man, I hate random brunettes! Oh wait, I’m brunette and definitely random. Retract!

      Funny, clever and awesome as usual, Miss Aussa. How did we ever stalk before Facebook? Actually, I’m too old to have an ex that might have a FB account. Stalking back in the day was doing drive-bys on bicycles or roller skates….or in that ugly Chevy Citation down Main Street (he was a hottie, though!)

      Like

      • Haha! I just felt like blondes are so often the victim of this brand of slut-shaming… and obviously I couldn’t go with redhead so that left your demographic, unfortunately…

        And okay– stalking on roller skates? This is going on the bucket list.

        Like

      • Oh the roller skates. I am the chick who roller bladed down a busy street the night before I gave birth to my daughter which is entirely fitting since I think that I was wearing roller skates when she was conceived (is that TMI!!?!?)

        Like

        • !!!! I think you deserve some sort of recognition for conceiving a child while wearing roller blades. I can promise you right now that I will never EVER forget that!

          Like

          • Oops!
            “I can promise you right now that I will never EVER forget that!”
            Sorry ’bout that. Hopefully, you aren’t plagued with any gross visuals to accompany my overly brave confession 🙂
            Happy Saturday (I hope you are sleeping!!)

            Like

    • It’s such an awkward process after a breakup… he probably didn’t want you all knowing what was going on in his life as he “moved on” but little did he know this would affect your Mafia Wars and Farmville 😉 Just kidding. It is weird when someone subtly spaces out their disappearance from people’s facebook world. One day they’re there and then… not.

      Like

  22. Go Aussa! Brilliant. The worst thing is when a guy friend (Almost boyfriend) blocks you AND your mutual friend on Facebook… and all bets are off. 😦

    Also, I like this blog. I think I will follow. 😀

    Like

  23. This is awesome. But I seriously ran so fast from all my past relationships I think I was secretly trying to reverse the Earth’s rotation to go back in time and never have dated those asshats to begin with. Kinda like the first Superman movie.

    Like

    • Bahahaha this is another thing we have in common. When we finally get the relationship to end it’s to the point where there’s no part of us still hanging on and wanting to try for more, it’s like “God, please no never again.”

      The Superman movie comment made me laugh aloud, btw.

      Like

  24. I know someone who still has the login details to her ex’s bank account. Which makes for some interesting stalking… 🙂

    Like

  25. lolaclementine // February 21, 2014 at 7:54 am //

    briiliant

    Like

  26. Go and stalk it! Bahahahaha!

    Like

  27. This reminds me of a few years ago when my friend’s bf broke up with her out of the blue. He defriended her right away, but did not defriend all of her friends. I was one of the hangers-on. I took many a phone call where I was instructed to go to his page and give her the play by play of his recent wall activity. He started talking about how he was dating another girl and I continued to quietly sit by and fill my friend in whenever she asked. Until one day he posted something along the lines of “it’s a girl”. Another one of our friends couldn’t hold her tongue any longer and went off on him on the post, calling him and his new girlfriend a long list of names. He then defriended all of us, but not until he had clarified with a photo that they did in fact have a girl. A girl dog… Still bad because most people don’t rush into getting a pet together, but worlds away from having knocked her up in a matter of a couple months. Oh facebook!

    Like

    • That’s so sad for your friend, I totally don’t blame her! I have one friend who I won’t hear from for a while and then she will just randomly text and be like “I need you to stalk someone and let me know if she’s prettier than me” so I follow her very specific instructions as well.

      Like

      • It ended up better for everyone that they broke up. She is completely fine and the ex actually did end up getting married and having a baby about a year and a half later. They weren’t meant for each other and she is over him and no longer in need of stalking assistance!

        Like

  28. This doesn’t work if the ex does not have a Facebook profile……. 😦

    Like

  29. Particularly precious:

    “…as you lay in an empty bed, getting older.”
    “…and let your friends know that she once made a culturally insensitive remark in 2009.”

    Reminds me of when I was a little girl, angry at my big, powerful parents. “I’ll get THEM.”, as I fearfully snuck into their bedroom, took a teensy pair of cuticle scissors, and cut the weensiest milli-snip in the hem of their bedspread.

    (Shoot. Shouda’ saved that for part of a future post of mine. Eh. Too late.)

    But: For shame, Aussa! I would never do anything like this. I would never endorse anything like this. For instance, I would never counsel a friend married to an abuser to represent herself online as him and f#ck over his credit–BAD–so that he could not get a credit card or loan for YEARS, and thus stop driving them deeper into legally-shared debt.

    Like

  30. asda@adas.com // June 29, 2014 at 4:32 pm //

    This is hilarious AND useful. Thank you.

    Like

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: