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Lady Gaga Gets Devoured by Vanity Fair

“Ms. Gaga, you have a phone call from somebody by the name of Somalia.”

One year ago today, the infamous beef-humping Lady Gaga graced the cover page of Vanity Fair.  

*Cough..Putz*

A non-reputable and overpaid media source heralds Gaga as one of the world’s most popular icons in Music and Fashion today, but poll studies show however, that the entire continent of Africa disagrees.  

When asked, the same anonymous source revealed that Gaga was genetically stitched together in a test tube using DNA samples taken from Cher, David Bowie, and a cigarette-smoking chip named Lulu.  The derived synthetic sperm was injected into a Silly Putty Egg to incubate for six weeks, and hatched inside a young Chicago resident’s Easter Basket later that year.  

The singer was eventually captured with a fishing net by a Hazmat official and was shipped to Las Vegas in a wooden crate where she went on to win the World Series of Poker.

No confirmation of the integrity of these details were further sought.

The singer had very little to say to Vanity Fair worth noting during last January’s interview.  However, when asked about being proposed to by an ex after breaking up, Gaga was quoted in the periodical saying, “How fuckin’ romantic, you asshole. Sure, pop a ring on my finger and make it all better. I can buy myself a fuckin’ ring.”

After the quote was released to the public, thousands of eager fucking romantic assholes gathered outside of the singer’s residence – each member of the Gaga rally reportedly anxious to ‘put a ring on it’.

The quote fueled further controversy after a scientific group was founded in order to study the effects of Hollywood status on the human brain.  The study, which was conducted by an unfunded and highly informal team of conspiracy hobbyists, revealed shocking findings.

Photo of Gaga sleeping on a Hudson Bay fishing charter boat in 1885.

According to the findings, Hollywood status causes the brain to retract inside the skull cavity, followed by a gradual puttying effect of the grey matter.  In advanced stages of the condition, the brain then begins to excrete from the mouth in the form of tacky outbursts and Liberal political rants.

The singer celebrated her birthday on the red carpet of the Grammy’s that same year by breaking out of a human-sized paper machete egg that was purchased from the set of the (s)hit 70’s TV program, Mork and Mindy. 

Gaga was carried into the performance by an entourage of neatly-shaved virgin men with small penises, and dressed in loin clothes and work boots, and women sporting togas made from nude-colored shower curtains. 

Samples of the faux embryonic fluid used inside the birthday egg, made from cottage cheese, maple syrup, and herpes, can be purchased at online auction sites like, eBay.  Average starting bids reportedly start off at an average of $100,000 an ounce.

I bought three.  And drank one by mistake.

It fell into my coffee this morning.

Shit.

Sources:  Vanity Fair, Metro.co

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39 Comments on Lady Gaga Gets Devoured by Vanity Fair

  1. Anything I say in an attempt to be witty cannot possibly make this awesomer.

    This: “…the brain then begins to excrete from the mouth in the form of tacky outbursts and Liberal political rants.”

    Like

  2. NotAPunkRocker // January 6, 2014 at 8:46 am //

    This post more than anything has helped me stick to my diet this morning. Thanks?

    Like

  3. Chowderhead, This was so funny! I love this post. You are funny. And Lady Gaga is funny too with her meat dress and stuff. Ahhh…too funny.

    Also, nice job picking up that empty slot that just happened to fall on Snowmaggedon 2014 Day 1. You dumbass snow storm!

    Time to pick axe my car out of the ground..

    Like

  4. I was in the middle of making an omelet when I read this; I threw it in the sink. Mostly because I was laughing too hard.

    Like

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your omelette, Ned. And thank you so much. Because I feel responsible for ruining the most important meal of your day, and because you made me feel sorta guilty about it, let me make it up to you..

      ..I have a coupon for this bitchin’ bagel shop down the street. A quarter off, I think it was. But bagels are cheap so you’d basically be getting a bagel for free. It expires on the 6th though, so you’d have to use it by tomorrow. Let me know.

      Like

      • I absolutely love bagels, cheap or otherwise! So I was naturally excited about your generous offer, which prompted me to immediately gas up my car ($60) to take advantage of that .25 cent coupon. Because the trip would mean missing my deadline, I quit my job before heading onto Highway 101 — and then realized today IS the sixth!

        Thanks again, Adam…

        Like

  5. Reblogged this on Chowderhead and commented:

    Today on Long Awkward Pause:
    On This Day in Pop Culture History: Radio Gaga
    *fart sound*

    Like

  6. I hate when ” faux embryonic fluid used inside the birthday egg – made from cottage cheese, maple syrup, and herpes” falls into my coffee.

    It could be worse though. Imagine that shit falling Into. Your. Beer.

    Like

  7. You drank that stuff. Oh no, Adam! What a way to start off the week! I saw Lady Gaga on The Muppets and my life has been changed forever. Like the new look!

    Like

    • Yeah, it’s been a rough go this Monday morning. First, I burned my forehead with the curling iron..Then I had to dig a tunnel to my car with a spoon because I forgot to buy a shovel last night before Snowmaggedon 2K14 went down, then the herpes in the coffee thing…

      I’ll be happy to see this Monday pass.

      P.S. Thank you!

      Like

  8. anitadesignstudio // January 6, 2014 at 2:54 pm //

    Funny stuff there, dude even though it’s at the expense of a supremely talented lady! Yes, when I read the many (daily) tabloid articles about her and her tedious attention seeking antics in her early days, I yawned, scratched myself and then sought out the horoscope section. I wasn’t fond of her early ‘dance’ efforts and agreed with the world’s initial judgement that she was a Madonna wannabe. As a devout ‘hater’ I allowed myself to listen to Born This Way, Edge of Glory and Marry the Night; not only that, I watched a few of her live performances. The bitch puts on a show. A proper show. Is her ‘quirkiness’ a coy and devious marketing plan? A manufactured personality? Honestly, I don’t give two shits. Her raw talent as a Singer/Song Writer is clear to see, it simply cannot be disputed. She doesn’t need a drum beat, guitars or fancy-schmancy computer generated enhancement; her many acapella performances have proved that, time and time again. But you’re not interested in a debate about her capabilities as an Artist, right?! It’s easier to focus on the stupid persona that she has created and I don’t blame you!

    Like

    • Neeters,

      Musically/Artistically, she’s a supreme talent. I like her music and I give her credit for being way ahead of her time. I draw the line when you show up in in dress made out of raw beef jerky.

      That to me is just arrogant and ignorant. Such a waste, and for what? I don’t understand why they can’t just have a strong opinion about something without having to make these bold statements like this. Can you imagine being hungry, like, really really hungry – poor hungry – and seeing some piece of shit like that strutting around in a dress made of red meat? Fuck you..

      Like

      • anitadesignstudio // January 6, 2014 at 8:07 pm //

        Fair point, Sendek. But if you knew the eyes of the World were on you…go on, close your eyes and imagine all of those intense flash bulbs, people shouting your name and the incessant clicks of the cameras…and in your quest for notoriety, realised that you had a golden opportunity to get some serious news coverage by sparking a little controversy, what would you do??! Hmmmm….so I’m guessing you wouldn’t include the riotous antics of various Rock Gods over the years in this conversation, then?! \m/

        Like

      • It definitely doesn’t work in blogging making fans!

        Like

  9. I’m a bigger fan of her lesser known sister, Lady Goo Goo.

    Like

  10. I disagree Mork and Mindy was good…until Jonathon Winters came on the show…

    Like

  11. Ugh. I wish Ga Ga would go away and take the Kardashians and Beiber with her.

    Like

    • Haha! I wish they were all just musicians. That’s what I want musicians to be, musicians. Not politicians, advocates, blah blah blah…

      Just make music. And eat your meat, dont’ wear it.

      Like

  12. I’m just glad you referred to Africa as a continent and not a country.

    Like

  13. Amazing, Good For You 🙂

    Like

  14. I must say I’ve started to somewhat adore Lady Gaga (well, at least her music and a lot of her quotes) but this made me laugh out loud. Thanks!

    Like

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