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Things that Sandpaper my Balls

This time of year is perfect for coming up with things that just send me into realms of pissed off that most mortals

don’t experience. Of course, this time of year is also perfect for taking simple shit like driving to work and turning it into a circus of stupidity.

Isn’t it funny how a little water can totally screw up a task of five minutes? I’m talking about water in solid form, namely the coat of ice that encased my Blazer and made it look like a glazed fucking donut. This is Kansas, people, not somewhere like North Dakota or Michigan, so what’s with the hate from the sky? This layer of frozen shit was the kind that breaks your ice scraper. I’d add the lack of friction between me and the street made beating my windshield with the raggedy-ass tool more comic than anything else.

I contemplated an old Cavalry trick – pissing on the damn ice while the wipers do their thing. Of course, whipping your unused schwanz out in the Whitebread ‘Hood that is my duty station is generally frowned upon. I had no desire to have Mr. MP remind me about how his authority trumps my rank. Fuckers. Also, the wipers were locked to the glass. So I gave up and let the shitty little defrost vents work.

While sitting on my frostbitten (years back, not this particular incident) fingertips, I realized that solid water caused another piece of drama for me. Returning Mama Rants to my house in the process of moving her, I’d no sooner bitched about how people drove like idiots in icy conditions when minor disaster struck.

I’d add that for a California boy, I drive pretty damn well in winter conditions. No amount of skill or luck will overcome black ice under snow, however. Witness the giant dent in my rear bumper as proof, courtesy of Mr. Tree. Yes, Mama Rants is all right. Simple task: drive from Point A to Point B. Perhaps not so much. But hey, free pull out of the ditch by the Tow Guy!  I’m a fucking SpEd!

As the burning needles receded from my fingertips, I wondered about other things to entertain all y’all with. Politicians of course are always great Rant fodder and never disappoint. Sad that letting us down is all they’re consistent at doing. I could also bitch that another disappointing football season has come and gone. Army… well fuck. And the Raiders of course… well fuck.

The Trojans played their faux bowl game, as if anyone cared. Decent record, shitty bowl. And exactly where did all those “bowl” games come from? I can’t tell any of them apart anymore, except for the ones that are “important” and have retained their Cotton/Sugar/Rose/Fiesta moniker in the midst of the corporate asshattery adorning the event.

Eventually, the feeble, old heater in my Blazer powered through the glacier on my windshield. I got to focus on keeping my tires on the mainly-dry parts of the road. The parking lot at work was fun because it was a skating rink. I parked my shit like a boss in a total Tokyo Glide, right into a spot. So there you have it.

Water: it’s what sandpapered my balls today.

– – – – –

Post-Screed:  If anyone is within easy driving distance of BD and can bring her a fresh bottle of vodka (go with the Stoli, she’s upscale goods) and some lemons and/or limes and bitters, do so.  Yeah, I know putting chains on is a beeyotch.  Just do it.  You may well save the planet. Oh, olives, too.




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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

33 Comments on Things that Sandpaper my Balls

  1. Snoring Dog Studio // January 3, 2014 at 8:24 am //

    17 years in Minnesota taught me the joys of black ice, sheer ice, ice everywhere. I learned this, too – never ever drive alongside the snowplow going down the freeway – unless you love blind driving. I paid my winter dues in triplicate. Put ice in my beverages but not on the ground.


  2. i love the title and am a michigander so i feel your pain, and perhaps if you applied some of the water to your balls, the sandpaper wouldn’t feel so rough


  3. Here’s my issue with ice and my truck. My heater only works when the truck is in motion. However I can only be in motion if I can see. So if you see a truck driving towards you with a tiny pinhole opening in the ice on the front windshield then that’s probably me.


  4. NotAPunkRocker // January 3, 2014 at 9:27 am //

    We get enough ice here in VA that we should know better not to drive, or how not to try to drive in it, but everyone panics. The last 24 hours were full of reports of how the snow was coming to get us…and now it is so sunny I am squinting as I type this.


  5. At times like that I just fill a container full of hot water from the sink and dump it on the windshield. Works like a charm.


  6. I never underestimate my own ability to fuck things up royally. Ever.

    BTW, I dig your new look.


  7. I’m glad all are safe after the accident. I’d rather drive in a foot of show than a quarter inch of ice. Nothing frosts my ass cheeks like someone with a 4 wheel drive who thinks they are invincible on ice. It just doesn’t happen.

    Frozen water is evil. Hope you are safe.


  8. It’s much more interesting to just try to drive through the iced windshield – particularly if it’s sunny – all kinds of prisms and rainbows (no idea what’s actually on the road)


  9. It was 68 degrees today. What is ice?


  10. You’re a raider fan? Buahahahahaa ahahahaaahaaa


  11. Way down there in Kansas do you put only water in your windshield washer tank or do you put actual windshield washer in it? If you use actual windshield washer (rated for low temps), the easiest way to unfreeze your windshield is to spray lots of washer onto your windshield until your wipers unfreeze & then use the combo of washer & wipers until your windshield is clear – a few minutes opposed to waiting for a defroster. Take it from someone who lives in the far northern wilds of Canada, we know how to handle a little ice.


  12. So glad I finally get to catch up with you guys and the first post I read features the ice storm. Ice. The only ice I ever want to see again is the ice that comes in my martini glass.

    PS — I’m sure someone must have tried to get me that bottle of Stoli. And just got lost. Because none of OUR readers would have dared break the seal on the bottle. *smirk*


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