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Guest Post: The 5 Worst Christmas Presents That You Can Give

daniellight

Please welcome this month’s Guest Poster, Daniel!

Daniel is tall, skinny, and weird. He writes over at http://danielsfunny.com/, which is the funniest place in the world.

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For years, people have deemed gift cards to be the worst presents that you can give someone. They’re “thoughtless” and “easy.” However, despite what the naysayers think, gift cards play a very important role in humanity, as they are mankind’s only defense against being awful at giving gifts. We, as a species, for the most part, are terrible at figuring out what other people want. If I asked someone to get me a pair of socks, they’d likely return with two towels and a blank expression. Despite what years of knowing someone has taught us, as soon as Christmas comes around, we immediately lose all sense of their preferences when it comes to anything.

So, as it would be thoughtless and easy to list “gift cards” as something that you shouldn’t hand in wrapping paper to a loved one this December, here are five things that you should abstain from even thinking about putting under a tree.

Christmas Decorations

If what you’re giving me on December 25th is an ornament, or even remotely Christmas-themed, your next present better be a time machine that I can use to render this gift even remotely useful. Stores go insane when it comes to selling Christmas stuff in the last month of the year, so I could see where someone would make an error and think that it would be a good idea. You’re literally surrounded by it, and when you see a Snoopy with reindeer antlers on it that plays Bing Crosby songs, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of deciding that it would be a fitting present.

But don’t. If you buy a person a snow globe, you might as well skip the wrapping paper and just bury it in the bottom of the box that it’s going to hide in for the next year. Also, no one has ever gone to bed on Christmas Eve, hoping to get that one special thing that they can put on their shelf for two hours before they pack it up and stow it away in the back of their closet.

Any Kind Of Food

I eat food every day. And I hate to sound like a member of the 1% here, but hell, sometimes I eat it multiple times a day. It’s not special to me. So when you give me mixed nuts for Christmas, or candy, I’m going to wonder what Little House on the Prairie novel that you think I just limped out of.

Maybe food was a popular treat back in the day, when an entire global population had to worry about feeding their nine children with flour and a dead horse, but now, food only works as an aside. For example, if you buy me a Christmas decoration, a Hershey bar taped to it is a great way to make sure that I remember to return your phone calls over the next year.

Technology That You’re Unsure About

I’m not a technological genius. The way I fix every piece of electronic equipment that I own is turning it on and off again until it performs the way I want it to. My 3DS wouldn’t play a game yesterday, and my only method of solving the problem was taking the cartridge out and then shoving it back in until the stupid machine realized that I wasn’t fucking around anymore. That being said, I know that, unless the person has specifically told me exactly what they want when it comes to anything in the computer genus, I’m not going to buy it for them. Feigning enthusiasm for multiple CD players given to me past the year 2007 has made me able to recognize that it’s a foolish move to guess the make and model of something that a person might need.

If you’re going to buy technology, you’re going to have to go all out on it, and just buy the whole damn thing. Otherwise, you’re going to end up with a disappointed grandson or nephew, who stare at a pile of useless cords and wonder if you still know how to work the TV remote.

Candles/Lotions

I have never cared so little for someone that I got them candles for Christmas. “Does a candle make for a good Christmas present?” is the first question that you ask if you’re trying to figure out whether or not you need to hire a Blade Runner. It’s such a sociopathic way to deal with shopping, that the Christmas card that accompanies it are just blank sheets of paper with the person receiving its name crossed out on it.

The same goes with lotion, which no one has ever wanted enough to be happy about when they received it for Christmas. Usually, when people need lotion, (and I know that this might seem like a crazy concept but hear me out), they go to the store and buy some. If you’re imagining that the person you’re shopping for doesn’t have enough common sense to go out and get lotion when they need it, thus forcing you to make a special thing out of it, you either have the worst intuition ever, or your friend needs help that goes way farther than lotion.

Gag Gifts

Something that looks like something else, only for it to, surprise, not be that something else, is the lowest form of evil. You give a “funny” item to a child only when you’re trying kill all the humor in their lives. If you were to research every winter holiday in Ted Bundy’s life, you’d find a history of whoopee cushions and wall mounted singing fish. Maybe it’s because I spend a majority of my day trying to compensate for a lackluster middle school experience by writing jokes on the internet, but if I force a laugh at the little plastic square that makes a burp noise whenever you press the one button on it, I hope you’re prepared to receive a bag of sand at this same time, next year.

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About danielsfunny (1 Article)
I'm a comedian and a writer and a horror film enthusiast. I feel like I do enough in each of those areas to warrant the titles.

30 Comments on Guest Post: The 5 Worst Christmas Presents That You Can Give

  1. And I thought ties, shoe racks, things that scream “you need to take a bath!” and underwear were the worst? Never thought about Christmas decorations.

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  2. Reblogged this on Daniel is funny and commented:
    I wrote a guest post for Long Awkward Pause about the spirit of giving.

    Like

  3. Scented candles or bath oils are gifts that I have never and probably will never fully appreciate the sentiment behind. Most of the time, they make me sneeze before I can even utter a “thanks” that sounds more like a question.

    By the way, Daniel… Welcome! Hope you stick around for a while.

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    • If you can find someone who appreciates the sentiment behind scented candles, then you have found the easiest person to shop for in history.

      And thank you! I might write more jokes if I’m invited to.

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  4. I once got Dixie cups. No shit. I will admit that I’m a picky bitch and that makes ME difficult to shop for, so bookstore gift cards actually do pump up my nads. What gets me is the attitude I get when I ask for a very specific list from people I am willing to spend money – and more importantly – my time and energy on (approximately five) to get a gift.

    Actually, screw it all. I hate Christmas.

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  5. whiteladyinthehood // December 19, 2013 at 7:28 pm //

    I once got a pine-scented lotion candle from my sis. Yep. I have no idea where she bought this thing nor do I want to know. She lit the candle, waited a few seconds, blew it out and then vigorously started rubbing the warm lotion/wax on my hand. She was like, “Oh it’s supposed to make your skin soft and does it tingle?” (I’m highly allergic to perfumes, etc) I smelled like a burning forest and it tingled all right – hell, it felt like my flesh was being eaten off…

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  6. I guess I should rethink my buying strategy here, Daniel. I’ve been operating under the apparent delusion that a Yankee Candle and a jug of Body Butter was a foolproof gift option for any man, woman, or child.

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  7. Daniel, hello. How did you guess all the gifts I plan on buying. Ha ha. You’re a genius! Who doesn’t love lovely lotion wrapped in a candy wrapper. I accept! So long as you haven’t eaten the candy that is. And, I was planning on giving my kids cords. I’m sure they can think of something useful to do with them! Funny post! – Amy

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    • It depends on how young the kids are. I’ve been a child before though, and I know that if my mom had given me cords for Christmas, I would’ve been busy for hours.

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  8. Candles are the worst. I went through years of birthday’s where i would get a candle from one of my siblings without fail. I ended up with so many candles it started to look like I collected candles which didn’t help my cause.

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    • Years? You’re a stronger person than I. I could barely go through a year of candles as birthday presents before I started “forgetting” to invite people to my birthday.

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  9. I once got a gift bag full of perfume samples. I mixed them all together and made one honking big candle as a gift right back to the giver. She loved it. Go figure.

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  10. Personally I think candles are getting a bad rap here. They’re great gifts. . . .for re-gifting!!

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  11. I’m going to have to disagree on the lotion gift. I think of quite a few people who would love lotion as a present: body builders, strippers, Buffalo Bill…

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  12. AmberJayde // December 21, 2013 at 5:47 pm //

    The truth in it makes it hilarious.. You always remember the epic moment you unwrap the gift and whip out the fake ‘thank you so much it’s, ahhh its great’.. And well I turn bright red to. :-/

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  13. panikikubik // December 26, 2013 at 4:59 am //

    So true and so fun! Sometimes a honest hug would be better than a parcel for Christmas. But the shop owners wouldn’t like that. Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year!

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  14. I’m wondering what category the shoe shine kit my mother gave to my 19 year old nephew fits in…

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  15. I agree with most of your points here, but i have to say I don’t agree with lotion, etc. Years ago my daughter married someone from North Carolina & moved down there with him. Her favorite cologne was not popular near her new residence. So every time I wanted to send her a gift I would send her some of her favorite cologne or the lotion or bubble bath in her favorite scent.

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