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Holiday Movie Previews

As the holiday season begins its downward spiral into an orgy of spending, gluttony and passive-aggressive behavior toward family members, Tinseltown delivers a selection of films, all opening on Christmas day, guaranteed to delight and entertain the whole family.

First up, it’s time to hitch up the wagons and travel back to 1846 with Pixar’s much anticipated film The Donner Party.

Using their faultless combination of state-of-the-art animation and celebrity voices, Pixar brings this delightful tale of pioneering, family and cannibalism to a whole new generation. Jennifer Lawrence stars with the incomparable James Gandolfini, in his final performance, as George and Tamsen Donner who, with their friends the Reeds and the Breens, brave the merciless winter across treacherous landscapes in pursuit of new beginnings in a young, American West. Along their journey, they encounter directional misfortune, murder and starvation, all with hilarious results.

"George Donner, what on earth do you mean that my butt looks like two canned hams squeezed together for a bountiful feast?"

“George Donner, what on earth do you mean that my butt looks like two canned hams squeezed together for a bountiful feast?”

No doubt, this season, children of all ages will be quoting Mr. Donner (many of whose lines were ad-libbed by Gandolfini) who delivers such lines as “Whoa, whoa. I thought I told you goddam kids not to bite da hand that feeds ya. Jeesh!” and “Honey, I said we should chew the fat, not chew ON the fat. Get offa me.”

In addition, audiences will relish the exchanges between Sam and Nilla, the wise-cracking vultures (as voiced by Gilbert Gottfried and Ray Romano). Katy Perry supplies the theme song with an interpretation of Duran Duran’s Hungry Like The Wolf.

Rated PG (adult innuendos)
Running Time: 1 hr, 52 min.

Next, Michael Moore returns with another controversial expose with his long-awaited film, Something Jolly This Way Comes.

In what is clearly a passion piece, Moore exposes the truth behind the slave labor that has been going on for hundreds of years by focusing his cameras on toy factory #45, one of many sweatshops “conveniently isolated” in the outer reaches of the North Pole. Using both new and existing footage of toy factories (or as they are called by elves, as we learn, “Cold Hells”), Moore shows atrocities never before imagined, atrocities that continue, to this very day, to elude international law.

Moore gets close to Santa's infamous Latvian factory known by elves as "The Last Stop."

Moore gets close to Santa’s infamous Latvian factory known by elves as “The Last Toy Stop.”

In one of the more poignant scenes, Stumpy, a 235-year old elf who escaped captivity after having his right hand amputated for painting the wrong eye color on a doll, recalls how the man known to millions as Santa is, “…nothing more than a dictator, a monster! He used to put two elves in a ring and watched as they’d beat each other to death using Wiffle Ball bats! This is what he did for fun. None of you would ever pay to sit on Idi Amin’s lap at the mall, so what’s the difference?!”

Moore hopes this film inspires the international community to stop turning its back on the horrors in the frozen north.

Rated PG-13
Running Time: 2 hr, 07 min.

Finally, in the wake of such theme-park inspired blockbusters as Pirates of the Caribbean and Tomorrowland, Disney once again reaches into its bag of popular attractions for what is expected to be their most successful endeavor yet: The People Mover. This plotless film takes viewers through slow-paced thrills and moments of near standstill.

All of the thrills of sitting combined with the minor sensation of movement.

All of the thrills of sitting combined with the minor sensation of movement.

Preview audiences and critics everywhere agree, Disney proves once again that they make movies that get released into theaters.

Rex Reed wrote: “As I’m watching this, I’m thinking ‘am I being Punk’d?’ ”

Leonard Maltin wrote: “Watching this film did more for me than dried prunes with an Ex-Lax chaser ever did.”

Richard Roeper and Jeffrey Lyons were unanimous: “What the hell was that?”

Disney’s The People Mover is the perfect holiday movie for kids who suffer from severe apathy, as well as those with pre-exisiting heart conditions.

Rated G
Running Time: reports vary from twenty minutes to what seemed like hours.

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About calahan (6 Articles)
A writer who is living the dream. It's unclear whose dream it is, though. Stay tuned.

16 Comments on Holiday Movie Previews

  1. I don’t know what I’d do without your excellent previews. Now I can pick a movie that I can later resent spending money on.

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  2. Thanks Mike. Now I know what to get the relatives for Xmas! I’ll tell them I got the suggestion from you. *grin*

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  3. I figured the People Mover was going to be made into a movie, but what I’m really waiting on is The Great Movie Ride to be made into a movie. Mind blown.

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  4. A Donner party movie the whole family can enjoy! I can’t wait for this one, although The People Mover is a close second. Will it be like waiting in line at Disneyland? Oh, the anticipation. Thank you.

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    • Not as fun as standing in line, no. A little more fun than standing in line for one of the Disneyland bathrooms, though, for whatever that’s worth.

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  5. That opening line was perfect haha. And so was the rest. Uggg, Hollywood. Thanks for the scoop – first two are a yes, third I won’t see unless my life depends on it, and then I still own’t see it.

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  6. *golf clap*

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