This year celebrates 30 years of the former cult, now classic, holiday movie — A Christmas Story. This is a movie that’s on everyone’s must-watch list for the holidays. It’s been part of my family’s Christmas tradition for three decades and it never grows old.
A story of a boy from Cleveland growing up in the 40’s, this film speaks to everyone who’s ever had dreams of seeing that one special gift under the tree. All 9-year-old Ralphie Parker wants for Christmas is a Red Ryder air rifle and he spends most of the film trying to bend the minds of his parents into buying him his heart’s desire.
While I didn’t grow up in the 40s, this film struck a chord with me that still vibrates to this day. You see, my Dad, too, was a Oldsmobile man. It all began for me back one cold day in late November of the year I turned 10, when I walked in the back door of our house and…
***WE INTERRUPT THIS REGULARLY SCHEDULED BLOG POST TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL REPORT***
Hi. I’m Ron Burgundy. You can call me Rob-B. Yes, with the -. What the f**k is that? Where’s my Executive Producer? Look, it’s not -. It’s a hyphen. Okay? How many times do I have to go over this with you?
*EP frantically changes “Ron-B to Ron hyphen B” on Ron’s prompter*
Well, thank you for doing your job.
Yes, it’s Rob hyphen B for, unlike Jay Z, I like to show all forms of punctuation some love. Just like the female interns around here show me their love. Not now, ladies. Later. In my dressing room. Don’t forget the rubber gloves.
Approximately 30 minutes ago, the family of the family who lived next door to the Parkers during the making of A Christmas Story, issued a media release. In a startling turn of events, Tom Bumpus (grandson of Pa Bumpus) said, and I quote:
“The Bumpus family is sick. Sick, sick, sick of all the attention A Christmas Story has received over the years. We are sick, sick, sick, and tired. So very sick and tired of all the blah, blah and yakkity yak. Ralphie this and Ralphie that. I’m here to spin the spotlight around and tell you the truth.
Ralphie Parker was a little shit. With his blonde hair and angelic blue eyes, that little shit got everything he ever wanted out of life, including my part in A Christmas Story. The role of Ralphie was originally mine. YES, MINE! When the producers were out scouting locations, it was my Pa’s house they picked for the movie. And it was me they wanted in the lead role. A few months before filming started, the Parker family bought the house next door and who happened to be outside building a sorry-ass looking snowman? Dear little shit, Ralphie Parker. The producers took one look at him and I was out. So sorry. We’ll send you passes to the première.
I tried to convince the studio the Parker family was Jewish. I
snooped looked in their front window while they were out at the grocery store and saw a menorah on their dining room table. The producers didn’t believe me. They said Mrs. Parker collected vintage and that I was just trying to stir up trouble. But I know what I saw.
And the director couldn’t care less that Dad Parker drove a Chevy! How’s that authentic? We had a Oldsmobile. Okay. So it was a bit rusty and was missing the seats but so what? It would have worked for the flat tire scene.
I’m telling you. WE WERE ROBBED!
And the worst part? Our bloodhounds made out like bandits. They all got meaty roles out of the deal…and they ate well during filming, too. I think they got their jaws around 17 turkeys before the director was happy. And no offer of financial aid when our pups came down with intestinal problems because the birds weren’t cooked properly.
Then the studio billed US when our female bloodhound, LouLou, went into heat and all the dogs in the neighborhood made a beeline for the set. Every penny we’d saved that year went to paying off the vet and their shyster of a lawyer. It totally ruined our Christmas that year. What. A. Rip.
So. This holiday season, when it comes time to slip A Christmas Story into your DVD player, or if you’re out at the store and decide to buy a copy for a gift, remember. You owe me. YOU OWE ME BIG TIME. And one day I’ll be around to collect. Better watch your back.
Happy F**KING CHRISTMAS!”
And you’re back with Ron hyphen B and wasn’t that a shocker? I totally know how he feels as I was up for the part of “Buddy” in the movie, Elf, but some freak by the name of Will Ferrell (who must of been sleeping with the director is all I can think) rocked to stardom in my place. Sometimes life sucks.
In a twist of fate stranger than fiction, Ralphie was also in Elf. In an uncredited role as a very MINOR elf. Looks like Tom Bumpus finally got his Christmas wish.
This is Ron hyphen B reporting live. Now, back to your regular program.
Yo, cute interns. Back to the dressing room and put on those rubber gloves…I’m a-comin!
…then he squawked as I sat down to the table and with one chop, it was time to eat!
HOW FUNNY IS THAT!!!
So, that’s my little tale of why A Christmas Story is such a big part of who I am today. I hope the next time you watch this movie, you’ll think of me and my crazy Bonzai duck pants.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS, EVERY ONE!