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Kiss’ Album ‘Destroyer’ Goes Platinum

Nov 11, 2013

Kiss Rock Group

Photo of the female quartet taken during Doctor Love tour.
Photo: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

On this day in Pop Culture History, KISS – the self-proclaimed biggest band in the world – propelled to the top of the rock charts, going platinum with their album Destroyer.

Another equally notable event on this day worth mentioning:  Some kid in China farted.

Twice.

The immense popularity of this once controversial glam-rock quartet that caused nationwide activist-led boycotts at one time, still remains a mystery to this day.

Soon after the first images of these gothic ladies with stars painted on their eyes rolled off the presses, a small task force of Pop Culture Scientists (or the P.C.S.) hired by the Carter Administration began a series of publicly-funded projects to study the band.

Many of the studies ended during the mid-eighties – determining that the band’s image: a combination of football player, drag queen, and clown, but with more blood and shit – might potentially prove harmful to the country’s then impressionable youth. The P.C.S. decided to inject British alt bands into the mainstream airwaves to help steer listeners away from the band’s 2 chord sound. They found bands such as The Cure, The Smiths, The The, and Kajagoogoo. Kajagoogoo only made the cut due to the fact that it’s fun to say; Kajagoogoo. This penetration happened almost overnight.

Kiss’ fame would not be stopped however. As a matter of fact it’s popularity grew when several unofficial eyewitness’ and a banned blurry viral YouTube video was later uncovered, claiming that singer and bassist, Gene Simmons, expelled his bloody tongue from the stage during the Dr. Love tour and licked a fan to death who was seated in the nosebleed section of the stadium.  No charges were filed against Simmons for the incident, and officials state that the singer agreed to have sex with the victim’s family in compensation, plus hand out autographed 8x10s of himself.

Candid Fan Photo of the Tounge Death Incident Photo:  http://web.gk12.net/

Candid Fan Photo of the Tounge Death Incident
Photo: http://web.gk12.net/

A member not part of the Kiss antagonist group, Mark Wrepchynski –  certified Fargo oil technician and affiliate of the Kiss Army – voiced strongly his support for the band, claiming that, “Kiss is the baddest mother [expletive] band on the planet, dude.”

Wrepchynski’s convictions prove common among the nation’s middle-aged, blue collar, Caucasian demographic, with recent poll studies showing that one in every two U.S. garage mechanics hold membership status within the Kiss Army.

“I have every Kiss concert tour T-Shirt since their early years. I refuse to wear nothing else,” Wrepchynski was quoted. “What you don’t understand is, Kiss is more than a band. It’s a lifestyle. You can’t quit a lifestyle. You can’t quit life. If you quit life, you quit Kiss, and you can’t quit Kiss. Kiss would never quit you.”

What?

Among Army members polled, only three admit to having never posed as a band member on Halloween due to medical reasoning.

When asked about the benefits of membership, Wrepchynski would only reveal that, “group members received monthly update letters, stick-on tattoos, and coffee coupons,” courtesy of the band’s promotions and marketing affiliate.

“Do want to know what my most prized Kiss possession is?” Wrepchynski volunteered. “It’s a small vile of Paul Stanley’s sweat that I wear around my neck on a gold plated chain. I will never take it off. Never.”

Chowderhead

Chowderhead

L.A.P. Unassociated Press

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29 Comments on Kiss’ Album ‘Destroyer’ Goes Platinum

  1. God gave rock and roll to you has to be one of the worst songs ever!

    Like

  2. That kid’s fart was pretty impressive though.
    My ex loved this band, so I got to see them in concert three times. My opinion remains that they were better at marketing/branding than music, but they (and their fan base) put on a fairly entertaining show. Seems The Golden Girls can still incite a crowd with pyro and singing about their aging Love Guns.
    Arguably the greatest tragedies of KISS are that “Beth” actually won a Grammy and Gene Simmons got a book deal.

    Like

    • Rachelle,
      I think KISS recorded that fart and tracked it on one of their albums – just a constant loop of fart. Over and over and over…!

      And I agree, I give them kudos for their marketing efforts. Anybody that can paint their face to look like a cat and then sell billions of records is a business god in my book.

      Is Beth the name of Gene’s tongue?

      Like

  3. Epic. KISS started the entire glam rock movement. I have no idea if that’s a good thing or not, but there you have it.

    Like

  4. Never really cared for KISS. And there’s a reason they were that make up. They are some ugly fuckers.

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  5. NotAPunkRocker // November 11, 2013 at 11:22 am //

    True story, I was feeling so lousy this weekend I actually sat through “I Was Made For Lovin’ You” and didn’t touch the dial.

    I have plans to seek medical attention soon.

    Like

  6. Got to admire a man who knows what to do with a mascara wand.

    Like

  7. Brieuse Bernhard Piers-Gûdmönd // November 11, 2013 at 12:18 pm //

    I always thought it was me… and I’m not sure if I’m talking about the fart or disliking KISS… Your post was reassuring.

    Like

  8. This is a great blog! Glad I found it. Will eagerly await it;s daily dose of funny and interesting info. You can also Follow ‘The Goodlife’ blog for additional humour inspiration and general ‘happy stuff’

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    • On behalf of all the writers at LAP, Thank You! I think it’s a great bunch, and we all really love doing it. So, hopefully we’ll stick around for awhile. I’ll definitely head over to check out The Goodlife blog!

      Like

  9. Always been and AC/DC guy, never a KISS fan. Although I can’t overlook their contribution to… uh… heels.

    Like

    • Ned, I think we just became best friends, because I’m an AC/DC groupie since childhood. I used to play tennis racket guitar to the Highway to Hell album. I also blew out my parents’ stereo speakers at age 12 in the process, as a matter of fact.

      Rock and Roll ain’t Noise Pollution \m/

      P.S. Favorite Album/Song – Go:

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      • Without question, my favorite AC/Dc album is Back in Black. But I gotta say, I have a tie for my two favorite songs:
        T.N.T. (The song that started it all for me)
        Dirty Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap)

        I listen to AC/DC whenever I write, even at 5:30 a.m. at the office. Give me strong coffee and even stronger AC/DC and I’ll write my ass off…

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        • I have so many favorites. Oh my god. Seriously, they were the first band-crush I ever had as a kid. Highway to Hell, High Voltage, Powerage, Back in Black, Fly on the Wall, For Those About to Rock…

          …Shall I go on?

          Back in Black is an album that I could listen to all the way through, over and over again and never get sick of. What Do You Do For Money Honey – best track on that album, hands down. So so so heavy!

          Like

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