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Dude Goes Undercover To Gay Bar, Maintains ‘I’m Not Gay, Though!’

San Diego, CA – US

In the Spring issue of Dudes and Bros, the nation’s leading (and only) magazine geared toward binge drinking, sports-loving, testosterone-excreting males aged 16-32, an exposé by Chad “Yaeger Maester” Yeager is being hailed as a breakthrough in bro-oriented journalism (or Bro-Jo).

Yeager, who describes himself as, ‘…a news dude, but, like, not all lame,’ eagerly set out to answer the long-standing question on the lips of many bros: “What’s up with gay dudes? I don’t got a problem with ‘em, but it’s, like, what’s up with that shit, ya know?”

To find out what was, in fact, up with gay men, Yeager went undercover to one of San Diego’s most renowned gay bars, You’ve Got Male.

In the article that begins, “I’m so not gay. I just wanna put that out there,” Yeager goes on to describe how he was able to effortlessly blend in. “I borrowed a pair of cut-off jeans from my roommate Jason’s girlfriend, who only wears shit like that to show off her ass. Jason’s my bro and all, but I’d totally hit that.”

Super Cool Bros

Super Normal

Super Gay

Super Gay

Upon entering the club, Yeager claimed, “Everyone wanted a piece of me. Seriously, you could just tell. I mean, not like they wanted to kick my ass, but they wanted to, ya know, do stuff with my butt, which, whatever, that’s cool if it’s with some chick like Jason’s girlfriend. Otherwise, that shit’s just wrong.”

Driven by journalistic integrity and fueled by complimentary Appletinis, Yeager convincingly played the role of a young, single, gay man. “I started chatting with some old dude with an old school, Burt Reynolds mustache. He was asking where I was from, types of music I listen to, current events, really creepy shit, ya know? It was all I could do to not haul off and punch this jackhole in the face, but I kept it up (‘Kept it up’ Ha ha!) and learned more about what gay dudes do at bars…” which, among other things, included dancing to music, catching up with friends, and ordering drinks. Jeager added, “Some of ‘em ordered food.”

Good Times With Good Friends

For God’s sake, have some decency! There are children present!

At one point in the evening, a popular hit from the Disco-era blasted through the speakers. Almost immediately, the club patrons erupted in cheer. “The crowd kinda took me off guard,” claimed Jeager, who found himself pushed onto a packed dance floor. “I was the only one that didn’t know the moves. I swear, everyone was dancin’ like they’d rehearsed or something. Then, a couple dudes stood on either side of me and helped me learn the dance. It was really cool of Deshawn and Martin to do that. I mean, I usually hate dancing, but, yeah, I really had a lot of fun.” It was here that Jeager felt the need to respond to the raised eyebrows of any readers by adding, “Jumping around with a bunch of sweaty dudes, uh, yeah, super gay, I know. Trust me, I woulda given anything to be at my own YMCA, playin’ football with a bunch of my bros. But, ya know, I had a job to do, so I toughed it out and kept dancin’ with Shaw and Marty. Oh, and Big Carl! Dude actually played pro ball back in the day! He was the chillest, most down to earth dude. Seriously, I coulda talked with him all night. Just a really cool, du— Oh, but, ya know, he was super gay, so I was all, ‘No, I don’t want a third drink, Big Carl. And, no, I don’t think I will be seeing your signed memorabilia, bro. And, guess what, I changed my mind about brunch.’ ”

When asked what one thing he ultimately took away from his experience navigating as an outsider into the gay community, Yeager responded, “I was surprised how nice everyone was and found it interesting that they hung out with friends, talked about shit, stuff that normal people do, ya know?” When confronted further by his roommate Jason, though, Yeager added, “No, I didn’t have fun. I mean, that was the gayest shit I’ve ever seen.”


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About calahan (6 Articles)
A writer who is living the dream. It's unclear whose dream it is, though. Stay tuned.

31 Comments on Dude Goes Undercover To Gay Bar, Maintains ‘I’m Not Gay, Though!’

  1. I lived near San Francisco for a few years. While there, I learned that (1) the best looking guys with the most amazing bodies were gay and (2) the straight guys were the ones most likely to take the only striped shirt and plaid pants hanging in the closet and wear them together.

    Hilarious (to me) as well as enlightening (to the straight guys) to see the reactions of straight men who received wolf whistles and suggestive comments on the streets of SF. I told one of them, “Now you know what a woman feels like when a guy does that to her.” Loved the “I didn’t know” reactions.

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    • One of the best Halloweens I ever had was in the Castro District. The costumes were amazing and everyone was really cool. I don’t think any drunken brawls broke out and no assaults, unlike Union Square.

      Like

  2. Calahan, you do your usual awesome job of making the subtle point, as usual. Well done!

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  3. Is it wrong that I quite enjoyed ALL the photos?

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  4. Is it wrong that I quite enjoyed ALL the photos? Wait..What?

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  5. dentaleggs // November 8, 2013 at 11:31 am //

    I like brunch.

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  6. Reblogged this on Misc. Maggie and commented:
    Because I’m too lazy to write anything of my own. You’re welcome.

    Like

  7. Calahan – you’re fucking awesome – do you get tired of me saying that? I can’t help it…it’s true. I know how scary brunch can be… it makes you doubt your orientation..am I a morning person or an afternoon person? How can I live in BOTH WORLDS! Luiner is even more confusing to the delicate psyche.

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  8. Thank God no one was hurt in the making of this undercover operation. You know how gays can be.

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  9. Can we talk about the “You’ve Got Male” bar name? LOVE IT.

    Your tongue was so far in your cheek on this one. I would have loved to have known you back when that politician from Idaho was caught soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom.

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    • Even better, you should have known me when I was a politician from Idaho who was caught soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom. I was a lot more fun, back then.

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  10. Great. After reading this, now I think I might be gay. It’s like high school all over again when I found out I liked v-neck sweaters. Nice work.

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    • I’m not a fan of V-neck anything, but I am partial to roll collar sweaters, especially vintage ones.

      You’re all man, Ned. Despite the rumors, anti-Ned blog posts and first-hand accounts from disappointed, former lovers.

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      • Thanks, Calahan. I appreciate that. And I just want to apologize again for that time we… uh…

        Well, I suppose it doesn’t really matter anymore. I still have the sweater, though.

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  11. I enjoyed all the photos. I feel fine about saying that. This was just what I needed to read right now.

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  12. This is awesome, that guy is a jackass, and now I’m following you. Hooray!

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  13. wait. so which one is gay? the gay one, or the not gay one?

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