(UP – Uhhhsociated Press) – The world seems to see spies where ever they turn. This leads to one of three conclusions:
- The world is paranoid.
- There really are spies, everywhere
- Modern day spies suck because they’re constantly getting caught.
In the US, people are on edge because they’re wary that the government could be spying on their internet and phone traffic as part of the effort to thwart terrorism.
This domestic spying is a huge issue because folks do so many important things on the net, like ordering clothes, playing games and pretending to be Manti Te’o’s girlfriend.
Egyptian authorities detained a stork last week on suspicion that it was a spy. According to reports, the bird became a suspect because of a scientific tracking device on its leg. Sources also say that the stork was suspiciously well dressed, witty, surrounded by attractive women and very particular with its drink order.
Now the spy frenzy has reached ridiculous proportions. There is speculation that the well-known blogging supergroup, Long Awkward Pause, is a front for espionage.
Members of Long Awkward Pause (or, as the cool kids call them, The Pause) have not been seen in public since this story broke.
LAP’s manager, Howard Ganz, met the press, yesterday outside his office. He refused to take questions and read the following prepared statement:
We, the staff of Long Awkward Pause, categorically deny that we are spies.
Given that we have never been in the same place at the same time, there is simply no way that we are working together.
Please consider that we are proud to have a career member of the military as part of the group. Other members of the group have been paid for writing in other venues and thus need no income from this alleged spy work. The Monk is far too evolved and urbane to stoop to espionage. Another of us has given up his day job to focus his energy on growing a beard and writing…
At this point, Mr. Ganz seemed to drift off of the prepared statement and begin to ad lib…
…Let me just add that I’m especially frustrated that Cordelia finds herself dragged in to this rampant speculation. Why, she hasn’t even been in the group long enough to receive a briefing on The Pause’s objectives and missi…
Mr. Ganz stopped speaking, looked nervously at the assembled reporters, then sprinted back into his office. Ganz did not return repeated phone calls after the press conference.
Since the press conference, Long Awkward Pause has been buying ad space on public transportation in most major cities. Their ad campaign’s slogan “If You See Something, Say Something…But Don’t Say It About Us” is the group’s new best hope for quelling their own spygate and a could be a money-maker for their vast merchandising efforts.