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Coffee – A Short Musical

Curtain opens to a minimalist setting. A man dressed in a three piece suit sits at a table sipping a cup of coffee. His name is Ralph.

Ralph: (Calling off stage) Honey…Honey I’m out of coffee. Can you brew some more? (pause) Honey?

Lucy: (From off stage) Ralph! That’s your seventh cup already! Do you really want more?!

Ralph: (looking towards audience, raises cup and smiles) Yes! I can’t get enough of this stuff. (Cue music)

The stage is cleared of the table as Ralph stands up. In from stage left comes a dancing coffee pot, spoon, coffee cup, saucer, sugar cubes, a k-cup, and a creamer. 

Ralph: (singing)

Coffee, Coffee, You are my love and my life
Whether your dark or just dreamy creamy
I will drink you anywhere
Even in the shower all soapy steamy
Coffee, Coffee, You taste good night and day
I would even drink you while at Steve and Adam’s
Who apparently are super fabulous gay

(The giant spoon rips off Ralph’s suit to reveal that underneath he is wearing a Starbuck’s uniform)

Coffee, Coffee, Would you marry me
We would have such lovely children named:
Dark Roast, Pumpkin Blend, and
Cappuccino Christmas Tree
Everyone exists stage right except for Ralph. Lucy enters stage left.
Lucy: What is going on in here? What is all the noise and ruckus? 
Ralph: Lucy, can you describe the ruckus? (Ralph takes a sip out of his coffee cup which has the cast of the Breakfast Club on it.)
Lucy: Ralph, I’m worried about you. All you do is drink coffee. You quit your job to drink coffee, you ignore the kids to drink coffee, you accidentally lit the toaster oven on fire while you were drinking coffee…you refer to me as your Barista…Ralph, I’m leaving you.
The stage darkens as a spotlight is put on Lucy. You can see Ralph in the background sipping his coffee.
Lucy: (singing)
It started with two cups of coffee a day
A little cream…
A little sugar…
Then it turned into an ice coffee on the way to work
The next thing I knew
You were sleeping with the Barney’s crew
Oh, you are a jerk!
You grind coffee in your sleep
As you ignore me while I weep
The other day I found an espresso heat wrap
Tucked up in your mud flap
This won’t work, This won’t do
This is why I’m leaving you
You can stick to your coffee without me
Ralph, I’m moving on to…tea!
Lucy exists stage right.
Ralph moves up to center stage and takes a sip of his coffee. He looks left and then he looks right and smiles.
Ralph: Now that that bitch is gone, I can enjoy my coffee in peace! (winks)
Curtain Falls
About Christopher De Voss (132 Articles)
Voice over actor, writer on various websites, published author, should not eat cheese but still does. Producer for The Super True Crime Podcast, Podfix Presents, and 2 Drunk Mills And A Gen Z. Follow me on twitter: @chrisdevoss

37 Comments on Coffee – A Short Musical

  1. Whatever you do in real life, stop. Go be a satirical musical playwright.


  2. Is Ralph a Creamer Crooner? Ba ba boo boo daddyoh!


  3. I sense brewing tension between the dancing coffeepot and the k-cup.


  4. I was sad that the curtain fell. Is it okay?


  5. whiteladyinthehood // September 4, 2013 at 6:46 pm //

    You grind coffee in your sleep

    As you ignore me while I weep

    Holy shit that was funny.


  6. I think Ralph’s next date with coffee will involve a “muffin.” If you know what I mean.


  7. I know it isn’t as cool as writing zombie stories but I think its about time you got a musical on Broadway, yes?


  8. Reblogged this on Christopher De Voss and commented:

    Sing it to the tune of Lady GaGa’s “Applause”:I live for the reblog, reblog, reblog
    I live for the reblog-blog
    Live for the reblog-blog
    It’s Coffee week on Long Awkward Pause and this is my rambling on the subject. Not a fan of this, then you can check out my good friends Rants, Justin, and Monk Monkey on the same subject. And if you still don’t like that, check out my other good friends Chowderhead, Cordelia, Mike, and Len as they take on Hollywood later this month!


  9. I think you should get Alfred Molina for his musical ability and character depth to play the spoon.


  10. What if Lucy secretly switched Ralph to Decaf?


  11. You have simply got to hook me up with your dealer. He obviously has good shit.


  12. For the record, sir, I am not gay…


  13. This was hilarious! Love your skits and plays.


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