Curtain opens to a minimalist setting. A man dressed in a three piece suit sits at a table sipping a cup of coffee. His name is Ralph.
Ralph: (Calling off stage) Honey…Honey I’m out of coffee. Can you brew some more? (pause) Honey?
Lucy: (From off stage) Ralph! That’s your seventh cup already! Do you really want more?!
Ralph: (looking towards audience, raises cup and smiles) Yes! I can’t get enough of this stuff. (Cue music)
The stage is cleared of the table as Ralph stands up. In from stage left comes a dancing coffee pot, spoon, coffee cup, saucer, sugar cubes, a k-cup, and a creamer.
Ralph: (singing)Coffee, Coffee, You are my love and my life Whether your dark or just dreamy creamy I will drink you anywhere Even in the shower all soapy steamy Coffee, Coffee, You taste good night and day I would even drink you while at Steve and Adam’s Who apparently are super fabulous gay
(The giant spoon rips off Ralph’s suit to reveal that underneath he is wearing a Starbuck’s uniform)Coffee, Coffee, Would you marry me We would have such lovely children named: Dark Roast, Pumpkin Blend, and Cappuccino Christmas Tree Everyone exists stage right except for Ralph. Lucy enters stage left. Lucy: What is going on in here? What is all the noise and ruckus? Ralph: Lucy, can you describe the ruckus? (Ralph takes a sip out of his coffee cup which has the cast of the Breakfast Club on it.) Lucy: Ralph, I’m worried about you. All you do is drink coffee. You quit your job to drink coffee, you ignore the kids to drink coffee, you accidentally lit the toaster oven on fire while you were drinking coffee…you refer to me as your Barista…Ralph, I’m leaving you. The stage darkens as a spotlight is put on Lucy. You can see Ralph in the background sipping his coffee. Lucy: (singing) It started with two cups of coffee a day A little cream… A little sugar… Then it turned into an ice coffee on the way to work The next thing I knew You were sleeping with the Barney’s crew Oh, you are a jerk! You grind coffee in your sleep As you ignore me while I weep The other day I found an espresso heat wrap Tucked up in your mud flap This won’t work, This won’t do This is why I’m leaving you You can stick to your coffee without me Ralph, I’m moving on to…tea! Lucy exists stage right. Ralph moves up to center stage and takes a sip of his coffee. He looks left and then he looks right and smiles. Ralph: Now that that bitch is gone, I can enjoy my coffee in peace! (winks) Curtain Falls ~Fin~