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Coffee Addicts Anonymous

“My name is Justin.”

“Hello, Justin.”

“And I’m addicted to coffee.

“I’m not-uh, not totally sure how this works; this is my first night.  Do I just?  Okay, I’ll just start then.

“I had my first sip when I was thirteen.  You know how you do.  Just a half a cup, no more.  Home sick from school, parents leave for work and don’t empty out the pot.  Curious?  Sure. Mom and Dad raved about coffee enough; everything from “Don’t talk to me before my first cup, dear,” to “A morning without coffee is basically sleep,” or the famous “I swear if you drink that last fucking cup, honey, don’t bother coming home unless you want to sleep on the goddamn lawn tonight.” It was the morning ritual.  Everything revolved around talking about the coffee.

“It felt adult to be pouring a cup of coffee. I paused and then fished my dad’s old reading glasses from the junk drawer before popping them on.  This felt more mature, more grown-up.  I wanted to do this first time right.  With my cup poured I debated calling up a telemarketer to yell at, but I settled for Dad’s second-favorite pastime and just chuckled to myself as I read today’s Marmaduke while I slurped down my brew.

“The taste was horrible, like a gym locker mixed with Grandma’s house, and I nearly spit it on the floor.  I thought I was going to be even sicker.  Yet, the ensuing buzz was incredible, truly unforgettable. I was energized, alive, reborn after thirteen bland years spent shuffling through waking life.  It was everything my young mind had imagined being in love felt like.

“My mom and dad had lectured incessantly, urging me to avoid coffee.  Do as we say not as we do; they had no intention of watching their son grow up to suck down a hot load of brown each day.  It didn’t matter though.  The French press I saved up for unlocked a world of bedroom benders.  Soon it wasn’t uncommon for me to use eight-nine times before noon.

“No consequences existed for my addiction; I started doing amazing in school, my parents remained in the dark or had decided not to care, and I earned a full scholarship to Johns Hopkins.   College was a literal blur.  With my coffee and alcohol tolerances at all-time highs, a binge lifestyle took hold that left my brain and heart constantly having angry sex.  I was always awake but I never went to class — didn’t matter, my economics degree still landed me a Wall Street gig after.

“Life was beautiful, not like Jewish-father-heroically-saving-his-son beautiful, but more beautiful in an awesomely-kickass-how-I-imagine-a-stockbrokering-Colin-Farrel-would-live way. Trade all day.  Party all night.  Never sleep.  Never die.  No question, I was using round the clock. I’d carry a baggy of product with me and rub a dab of Peruvian brown in my gums for little pick me ups throughout the day.  That’s all I’d need if I didn’t have a chance to get a solid brew on.  We raked it in everyday and spent our nights waist deep in women and tongue deep in, well, women and cups of the most exotic, potent blends of coffee this world had to offer.

“I hadn’t slowed down at all by 2008.  Granted, there were two kids and a woman who I sent money to now, but it didn’t matter.  I ran that city — it didn’t sleep and neither did I.

“I’ll never forget it.  I was halfway through this cup of this intoxicating stuff called Tropic of Coffeecorn when I heard the news about Bernie Madoff.  I stopped.  My buzz of nearly twenty-five years crashed for the first time.  I had everything tied up in him and it was gone now.  I wanted to curl up on the floor in that underground non-fair-trade coffee parlor right then and die, but I was too wired.

“My kids’ mom offered to take me in, but instead I turned to the pot; family had always exhausted me where coffee had always energized me.  Coffee had got me there once and it could do it again.  I sold off my remaining assets and bought nothing but coffee, knowing I’d be back on top soon enough.

“I felt I was always just one cup away from finding that next tip, that next idea that could propel me back to my perch.  Seattle’s Best, Dunkin’ Donuts, 7-11 — you name it they kicked me out.  I tried bartering, begging, and hustling but nothing came of it.  Every day was a quest to get coffee and once I was banned from the shops I’d dig through their trash, sucking on old filters and licking the remnants from old cups.  I’d plug my whole gum line with old rounds while I furiously sucked, perpetually chasing that mocha dragon.

“Once the stores locked their dumpsters I took to licking the door handles of the workers’ cars.  Maybe it was my imagination, but I swear I could taste a hint of java on each stainless steel handle I’d slobber on.  The wheels finally fell off one winter day when I pinned a twenty-one-year-old Starbucks’ manager on the hood of his sedan and demanded he let me lick the coffee residue off his slender fingers.  He panicked, which made me panic.  I grabbed his hand and jammed that grubby index of his in my mouth.  He cried out in horror and a passerby phoned the police. They picked me up twenty minutes later a block away at a different Starbucks trying to barter one of my teeth.

“Thank you, everyone.  I’ll be seeing you soon; I’m here twice a week until my probation’s over now.”


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About justingawel (2 Articles)
www.justingawel.com

55 Comments on Coffee Addicts Anonymous

  1. awesome story, it made me laugh and kinda reminded me of the feeling i had when i drunk my first cup of coffee. cheers from a fellow coffee addict

    Like

  2. This is such a great post! Trying coffee when your parents aren’t looking is such a classic way to get hooked 🙂

    Like

  3. I’m not a hot coffee drinker, but I have gotten addicted to the McDonald’s chocolate chip Frappacino? Should I join your group? Is there hope for me? 😉

    Like

  4. Reblogged this on jueanazri.

    Like

  5. androidbethy // September 14, 2013 at 3:46 am //

    Reblogged this on Android Bethy.

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  6. I’ve been there too. You’re not alone:)

    Like

  7. I feel for ya! And they say it’s not a drug!!! Heck, it comes from remote mountainous regions of the world! What an awesome pressing… get it? French pressed, ah the darker the better…and who but you can recall the first bitter sips? That memory had been long gone for me until you dredged it up. How could I have ever thought it was bitter when it truly is like manna from heaven?

    Like

  8. haha, I am convinced I’m a sugar addict, this was good.

    Like

  9. OH EM GEEEEE .. I feel the same way about COKE .. FROM MC DONALDS!!!! My sweet addiction. :/ – One day it’s going to make me fat. Maybe I’m already fat.

    Like

  10. William Grit // September 14, 2013 at 10:41 pm //

    Reblogged this on Dinner Talk.

    Like

  11. kitchencatch // September 15, 2013 at 2:39 pm //

    this is amazing. the memoir at the beginning is classic as well. love it!

    Like

  12. the smell of coffee makes me nauseus, I really hope I don’t ever get addicted to it.

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  13. Reblogged this on Heidi On The Go and commented:
    @anyakromhout, please don’t ever drink this much coffee. 😉

    Like

  14. Have you tasted Ethiopian mocha or should I just shut up?

    Like

  15. Brilliant!!! Shared on lifebetweenfiction

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  16. I definitely look for any excuse to grab a coffee during my day ! Sorry, I think the kettle just boiled !

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  17. I don’t know if its still early for me to be called an addict, but i love to look at the bright side. Very sensual beverage and puts you right in the mood. I guess our type is less claw snatching than American or whatever you’re from.

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  18. hahaha! I FREAKIN’ LOVE THIS! great read! keep posting please.

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  19. You are so right! And they say, coffee is antioxidant! Sometimes I just need to slow down a bit. They tell me to get off the coffee addiction, or it’ll bring me back to ER.

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  20. *gets up to fetch her cuppa*

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  21. Simply brilliant! Brings back memories of my work placement year and final year of Uni. Many a road, bridge and report were built fuelled by the wondrous brown liquid! I have now cut back also, the sugar and caffeine shakes got bad!

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  22. The sign of a good blog post… you think of it weeks later while watching a silly cartoon YouTube video:

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  23. um how can you get addicted to coffee

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  24. Reblogged this on drinkingforeleven and commented:
    Sounds about right.

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  25. Praise God! I’m not alone! Kumbaya my Lord….

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  26. Coffee addict, present and accounted for 😉

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  27. Reblogged this on The Narrative Imperative: Tell Stories or Die and commented:
    We get lots of groups here at the Epiphany Cafe. Here’s one I never thought I’d see: Coffee Addicts Anonymous. Here’s a post from one of its members:

    Like

  28. Haha, Justin well done! I remember my first coffee. Instant. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm..

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  29. I’d should talk to you here. Which is not some thing I do!
    I quite like reading a post which can make individuals believe.
    Additionally, thanks enabling me to comment!

    Like

  30. bone coffee man // September 17, 2016 at 3:57 pm //

    My coffee addiction grew so bad I would be awake for days and had to drink more when I got so tired I could hardly work. My church group had an intervention because my insomnia was so bad I had hallucinations and would blackout while driving. All the while that failed to see my large consumption of the dark brown heaven. I broke down one day as I could not keep my self awake while at a Wal Mart across from a Quicktrip that I had just bought an XL of heavenly joe. I passed out in the grass beind a clothes dumpster. I was sent to a Crisis Stabilization Ward because of my questionable health. They served it in there too. Still I am hooked on it and can’t break away. For a time I would sneek coffee when my family band me from the pot. I would take pictures of the position of the coffee pot, filters and can of heavenly grains. Then I would brew some and almost have an orgasumn while waiting to slurp it down with madd anticipation. I would chunk the used filter in the woods and put everything back according to the pictures I took then pour cup after cup down my gullet. Im still hooked to this very day and feel hopeless in ever breaking away.

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  31. Thank you for the mention on your blog! And yes, hopefully you won’t become too addicted and lose a Wall Street fortune like me.

    Like

6 Trackbacks / Pingbacks

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  5. Coffee Addicts Anonymous | drinkingforeleven
  6. Coffee Addicts Anonymous | PROCREATE COFFEE NYC

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