This has been reprinted with permission from the online version of the Ohio Llama Sun Gazette:
Super Blogging Group Long Awkward Pause Has Been Banned In China
reported by Jerry Wentworth
It was just announced today by officials representing the People’s Republic of China that the super blogging group, Long Awkward Pause, will not be allowed to perform in China on their 2013 World Tour. The tour was scheduled to start in Texas at the Blogger Interactive and was suppose to continue through 23 different countries including China.
When asked why the ban, Chinese officials had this to say, “We love Monk Monkey. He is our favorite member. He is still welcome to our borders. However, we do not like the ranters! Ranters are bad.”
They are of course referring to the two most outspoken members of the group, Chowderhead and BrainRants. China has banned such social media outlets as Facebook, Google +, and Twitter, so it comes to no surprise that the polemic group would also be banned.
When asked, Chowderhead had this to say, “You know, shit happens. China is afraid we are going to say something inappropriate or outrageous, or even yet, extremely clever and prolific. Rants and I don’t hold back. We tell it like it is. By the way, you have mustard on your pants.”
In fact, we did have mustard on our pants.
BrainRants was also quoted as saying, “I have 2 million fans that say China is wrong. I have nothing against China, they make some wonderful food, but if L.A.P. loses them as an audience, we will just have to take over Morocco instead. They also make some wonderful food.”
In an exclusive phone interview with Mike Calahan the Gazette learned that this will not derail the tour whats-so-ever.
“This will not derail the tour whats-so-ever,” Mike responded. “instead we will use the free time to write new material and catch up on some fan/hate mail. Mine personally is more fan mail than hate mail in case you were wondering.”
The newest member of the group, Cordelia was bombarded with reporters when we caught up to her, but we managed to get this interesting tidbit, “I don’t know what’s going on, I’m still waiting for my first paycheck. I’ve got bills. I didn’t sign on for this controversy. I signed on for the green!”
Christopher, Omawarisan, and Justin were unavailable for comment at the time of this post, due to the fact that it is rumored they are on a exclusive party boat for Harrison Ford’s secret birthday celebration. It is reported that they were not actually invited but instead snuck on as cocktail waitresses while the party company was setting up the bar.
The management team for Long Awkward Pause release a statement saying, “(We) have no plans to change anything. China is off the schedule. We stand by all members of the team, plus they are our cash cow, so China can suck it.”
The Gazette will update this story as more news filters in, also look for links to Long Awkward Pause’s tour dates in our entertainment section.