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Twinkie Prohibition

It never fails in this country; there’s always some party-pooper going out of his way to make sure that every last fun thing is sought out and removed from our lives.  This time its the Health Hippies – bawling on about Twinkies.  Preservatives this and cholesterol that…

Blah Blah Blah!

When exactly did a little bit of self-indulgence become such a grievance offense in this society?

At some point an idea was born that we should all stop eating junk food.  From there, standard protocol: Twitter petitions, then the picketing, then the overturned cars and angry people throwing rocks in the streets, then government action – dissecting and microscoping a confiscated Twinkie, and then eventually the abolishment of all Hostess products…

There’s only one person to blame!

Oz Commentary

Commentary about the Dr. Oz Fiber Diet.

When Dr. Ozmotron pranced into the spotlight in his neon blue scrubs, preaching about Walnuts and high-colonics, I knew it was only a matter of time before Hostess would shit out its last greasy, golden, cream-filled pastry from Heaven.  Its all his fault.  Him and his very alluring and very well-manicured eyebrows.

However, if you ask Dr. Chowderhead about the Twinkie he’ll tell you that it’s the most delectable quazi-pastry to ever hit market shelves.  Throw a Twinkie and a Green Apple into one of those Juice Magic Machines – or whatever the fuck they’re called – and PRESTO – all your vitamins and fat in one frothy slurp.

I’m crying out right now, people – begging that this nonsense be stopped.  Stop buying stock in the gummy vitamin corporations!  Start buying stock in duct tape!  Seek out and tape the mouths of these nuts before we’re left with nothing but bran-burgers and prune shakes!

Well, that explains a lot...

Well, that explains a lot…

If I hear one more Twinkie-dig, somebody’s gonna get slapped in the face with one.

*spits*

Adam Final Author Box

—–Related L.A.P. posts on Twinkies:

Omawarisan on Twinkies
Justin Gawel on Twinkies
BrainRants on Twinkies
Monk Monkey on Twinkies
Christopher De Voss on Twinkies
Mike Calahan on Twinkies
About Adam (18 Articles)
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37 Comments on Twinkie Prohibition

  1. By golly, he *does* have well-manicured eyebrows.

    (Please note that this comment is completely neutral vis a vis Twinkies. And also that I just said vis a vis , and in italics.)

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  2. Hilarious. Hey, if you want to stop the prune shakes, shake down Bloomberg and the madness in NYC over health. If you don’t, your prune shake will be sweetened with nothing. 🙂

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  3. I am the President of P.E.T.T – People for the Ethical Treatment of Twinkies.

    Dr. Oz, Dr. Schmoz.

    They can have my Twinkies when they rip ’em from my cold, sticky, cholesterol-laden gizzard.

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  4. What the health Hitlers don’t preach is moderation. You can enjoy anything if it’s a side dish and not the main course.

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  5. I heard of some Senator sexting photos of unwrapped twinkies to Wal-Mart managers…

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  6. Walnut colanics sounds painful.

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  7. I ain’t scared of you!! Bring it on!! I have to say I am totally laughing my fat bottomed ass off at the Dr. Oz thing. And obviously, I am not doing it right, because I only shit my pants maybe once or twice a day.

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  8. Reblogged this on Chowderhead and commented:

    If you haven’t already, check out Long Awkward Pause, a brand-span kin’ new blog featuring Mike Calahan, Christopher De Voss, Monk Monkey, Justin Gawel, Omawarisan, BrainRants, and yours truly, The Chowderhead. Today’s post is called: Twinkie Prohibition.

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  9. thegeekyg4mer // August 8, 2013 at 11:17 pm //

    Is it really bad that I dunno what the feck a Twinkie is?? lol

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  10. Obviously Dr. Oz hasn’t watched Zombieland. How would we survive the apocalypse without the “spongy, yellow, delicious” treats? Sno-balls just won’t do it! Jerks!

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  11. Apparently in Canada, they have found a way to increase the Twinkie’s shelf life.
    Rejoice, Adam.

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    • Same here. It’s back! But I’m still eating from my stockpile that’s buried in the sandbox out back. Won’t have to go to the store for awhile!

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  12. I’m not going to go out on a limb for Twinkies. They taste like sponge. But if they go after Ho Hos so help me god…

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  13. Why do you need Twinkies when there are Snickers? Legit question…

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