Twinkies: A WARNING!
Twinkies? Mention the word and shudder! This evil of evils – fanciest delight of all the demons in Heaven – is the delicious, addictive, succulent, lengthy treat of all of the evil seven dwarves (Scratchy, Itchy, Sneezy, Poochie, Ginger, Gimli and Papa Dwarf), and Geraldo! Once you eat’em, you can’t leave ’em and they will have you under their spell, bringing you closer and closer to FAT and (later) to FAT INDUCED DEATH, known as OBESENESS and/or BIG-BONEDNEDEDNESS!!!
TWIIINKIIIIEEEESSSS!!!!!!! I AM WARNING YOU ALL! STEER CLEAR AND EAT NOT OF THIS SEXY BOUNTY!
Curses to Hostess, the maker of this, the sweetest of “foods.”
Curse be to he who invented it – General Henry Twinkie!
Curse be to he who gave birth to him and all his descendants!
And even curse be to she who typed his letters – Miss Prue Sharpe!*
Curse be to his horse who gave him the original idea for the “food”!
Curse be to Hostess who packaged it and charged us for it! (Wait, I’ve already cursed them.)
Oh, and curses to my parents who never let me eat them! (I’ve never tried a Twinkie, are they good?)
There is only one way to escape the clutches of the Cream Dream and that is to say this prayer 30 times naked in a bath full of peanut butter (hey – I didn’t write the Bible, I just enforce it.)
Dear Lord the Twinkie,
Hollow be your frame.
You melt in sun,
Your wrapper undone,
In CAL, as it is in Jersey.
Give us today our sugar-cream,
And forgive us our love handles,
(After all it was you who givvem to us.)
Lead us from indigestion,
Even as we start digestin’,
For the cream, and the bun-thing, and the sugar are yours,
For as long as the arteries hold out,
Amen.
If you would like to know more about the Twinkie, or it’s healthy cousin the carrot, visit your friendly, neighbourhood supermarket.
* I am so not being sexist here. General Twinkie lived during a time when women did this sort of thing for their employees. Don’t hate the monkey, HATE THE SYSTEM!
Related L.A.P. posts on Twinkies:
Omawarisan on Twinkies Justin Gawal on Twinkies BrainRants on Twinkies Christopher De Voss on Twinkies Mike Calahan on Twinkies Chowderhead on Twinkies
You just made me laugh so hard that my parakeets flew back INTO their cage out of surprise…and now they’re bobbing their heads, looking at me like “wtf?”.
I hope you’re happy…
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You have parakeets?!
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Yup. A solid yellow one named Aiden and a green/blue one named Timothy.
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Nice! Sorry they think you’re a weido.
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Eh, they’re not the only ones. I was reciting lines from “The Life of Brian” and “V for Vendetta” at work while acting like I was from the Ministry of Silly Walks.
It was a good day. 🙂
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Now THAT is what work should be like, people!
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Je suis ici pour les sous-titres français!
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Oui! J’adore les cochons vites aussi. Je m’appelle bonjour!
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Ha! Je ne peux pas attendre de lire votre post sur mon sujet!
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I understood “Je” and “lire” means read I think. The rest sounds very interesting too! 🙂
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Beats me. A bunch of monkeys took over my keyboard and that’s what they came up with.
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Haha! Monkeys: you can’t live with them but you can’t live without them! (If you train them to pick your lice off.)
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General Henry Twinkie…if only I was a descendant…I would be filthy rich right now!
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And also the descendant of an insane person…and that stuff is hereditary, you know…
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Crap.
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“the Cream Dream”—Haha, now that just sounds dirty…
I’ve never understood the fascination with Twinkies. If I’m going to indulge, I’d much rather have a fresh doughnut or a piece of cake. Oh, great, now I want a doughnut.
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Cake is good. Doughnuts are better. But! If you ever do partake of the cream dream be sure to post lots of pictures and videos.
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But, Monk Monkey. What of those of us that are atheists? How can we steer clear of the evils of Twinkie?
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Buy garlic and drape it around your shopping cart as you fondle a voodoo Twinkie that you have stuck a pin into. Then go STRAIGHT TA HELL!
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Prue Sharpe was a saint.
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You think so? She used to bathe in Twinkie “cream”. THAT’S RIGHT!!!! SHE IS NOW BATHING IN SATAN’S CREAMY BOSOM!
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What? Is this true? I wouldn’t believe it if it came from a less reliable source.
Prue Sharpe was a common trollop(e).
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I know all! I am Monk Monkey! I like bananas!
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Let’s not even mention the deep-fried version of the Twinkie, plying its wares like a harlot on military pay day.
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Oh. My. Gosh. PURE, GREASY, EVIL, IN A BUBBLING VAT OF HOT OIL THAT BUBBLES LIKE THE LAVA IN HELL!
And it actually sounds pretty awesome – gotta try that!
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Seduced you didn’t it?? 😉
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As always 😉 Now I gotta go whip myself…
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Reblogged this on Monk Monkey and commented:
I only reblog the very best posts from other blogs. Like this one by me!
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Then I assume you will be reblogging me tomorrow.
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There’s no nice way to say YOU WISH!
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Holy shit. Two words for this: Epic. Win.
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I love you, BrainRants, and want to kiss you on all four of your cheeks.
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Uhm, sure?
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OK, just three then.
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LOL. It’s funny, but several people at work yesterday were debating the virtues of ‘old Twinkie’ versus ‘new Twinkie’.
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It all comes down to calories. Which has the higher amount? That is the most evilest twinkie of all!!!
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I have now mentally overdosed on Twinkies….
But overall, great job, folks!
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That sounds disgusting. But yay!
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