Twinkies? Mention the word and shudder! This evil of evils – fanciest delight of all the demons in Heaven – is the delicious, addictive, succulent, lengthy treat of all of the evil seven dwarves (Scratchy, Itchy, Sneezy, Poochie, Ginger, Gimli and Papa Dwarf), and Geraldo! Once you eat’em, you can’t leave ’em and they will have you under their spell, bringing you closer and closer to FAT and (later) to FAT INDUCED DEATH, known as OBESENESS and/or BIG-BONEDNEDEDNESS!!!
TWIIINKIIIIEEEESSSS!!!!!!! I AM WARNING YOU ALL! STEER CLEAR AND EAT NOT OF THIS SEXY BOUNTY!
Curses to Hostess, the maker of this, the sweetest of “foods.”
Curse be to he who invented it – General Henry Twinkie!
Curse be to he who gave birth to him and all his descendants!
And even curse be to she who typed his letters – Miss Prue Sharpe!*
Curse be to his horse who gave him the original idea for the “food”!
Curse be to Hostess who packaged it and charged us for it! (Wait, I’ve already cursed them.)
Oh, and curses to my parents who never let me eat them! (I’ve never tried a Twinkie, are they good?)
There is only one way to escape the clutches of the Cream Dream and that is to say this prayer 30 times naked in a bath full of peanut butter (hey – I didn’t write the Bible, I just enforce it.)
Dear Lord the Twinkie,
Hollow be your frame.
You melt in sun,
Your wrapper undone,
In CAL, as it is in Jersey.
Give us today our sugar-cream,
And forgive us our love handles,
(After all it was you who givvem to us.)
Lead us from indigestion,
Even as we start digestin’,
For the cream, and the bun-thing, and the sugar are yours,
For as long as the arteries hold out,
If you would like to know more about the Twinkie, or it’s healthy cousin the carrot, visit your friendly, neighbourhood supermarket.
* I am so not being sexist here. General Twinkie lived during a time when women did this sort of thing for their employees. Don’t hate the monkey, HATE THE SYSTEM!
Related L.A.P. posts on Twinkies:Omawarisan on Twinkies Justin Gawal on Twinkies BrainRants on Twinkies Christopher De Voss on Twinkies Mike Calahan on Twinkies Chowderhead on Twinkies