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Twinkies: A WARNING!


Ceci n’est pas evil!

Twinkies? Mention the word and shudder! This evil of evils – fanciest delight of all the demons in Heaven – is the delicious, addictive, succulent, lengthy treat of all of the evil seven dwarves (Scratchy, Itchy, Sneezy, Poochie, Ginger, Gimli and Papa Dwarf), and Geraldo! Once you eat’em, you can’t leave ’em and they will have you under their spell, bringing you closer and closer to FAT and (later) to FAT INDUCED DEATH, known as OBESENESS and/or BIG-BONEDNEDEDNESS!!!


Curses to Hostess, the maker of this, the sweetest of “foods.”

Curse be to he who invented it – General Henry Twinkie!

Curse be to he who gave birth to him and all his descendants!

And even curse be to she who typed his letters – Miss Prue Sharpe!*

Curse be to his horse who gave him the original idea for the “food”!

Curse be to Hostess who packaged it and charged us for it! (Wait, I’ve already cursed them.)

Oh, and curses to my parents who never let me eat them! (I’ve never tried a Twinkie, are they good?)

There is only one way to escape the clutches of the Cream Dream and that is to say this prayer 30 times naked in a bath full of peanut butter (hey – I didn’t write the Bible, I just enforce it.)

Dear Lord the Twinkie,
Hollow be your frame.
You melt in sun,
Your wrapper undone,
In CAL, as it is in Jersey.
Give us today our sugar-cream,
And forgive us our love handles,
(After all it was you who givvem to us.)
Lead us from indigestion,
Even as we start digestin’,
For the cream, and the bun-thing, and the sugar are yours,
For as long as the arteries hold out,


If you would like to know more about the Twinkie, or it’s healthy cousin the carrot, visit your friendly, neighbourhood supermarket.

* I am so not being sexist here. General Twinkie lived during a time when women did this sort of thing for their employees. Don’t hate the monkey, HATE THE SYSTEM!

Related L.A.P. posts on Twinkies:

Omawarisan on Twinkies
Justin Gawal on Twinkies
BrainRants on Twinkies
Christopher De Voss on Twinkies
Mike Calahan on Twinkies
Chowderhead on Twinkies

38 Comments on Twinkies: A WARNING!

  1. You just made me laugh so hard that my parakeets flew back INTO their cage out of surprise…and now they’re bobbing their heads, looking at me like “wtf?”.

    I hope you’re happy…


  2. Je suis ici pour les sous-titres français!


  3. General Henry Twinkie…if only I was a descendant…I would be filthy rich right now!


  4. “the Cream Dream”—Haha, now that just sounds dirty…

    I’ve never understood the fascination with Twinkies. If I’m going to indulge, I’d much rather have a fresh doughnut or a piece of cake. Oh, great, now I want a doughnut.


  5. But, Monk Monkey. What of those of us that are atheists? How can we steer clear of the evils of Twinkie?


  6. Prue Sharpe was a saint.


  7. Let’s not even mention the deep-fried version of the Twinkie, plying its wares like a harlot on military pay day.


  8. Reblogged this on Monk Monkey and commented:

    I only reblog the very best posts from other blogs. Like this one by me!


  9. Holy shit. Two words for this: Epic. Win.


  10. LOL. It’s funny, but several people at work yesterday were debating the virtues of ‘old Twinkie’ versus ‘new Twinkie’.


  11. I have now mentally overdosed on Twinkies….
    But overall, great job, folks!


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