This was reported by TBZ.com, a rumor blog. Although it is ugly and untrue, we at Long Awkward Pause have decided to reprint the article in a stance of solidarity and empowerment…that and we are pretty sure you are sick of the reblogs. LAP would also like to release this statement: The article below is false and untrue. The members of LAP and WordPress are outraged at the false accusations reported by TBZ.com and it’s publishers. Please show your support of the staff of LAP in these trying and hurtful times by sending us money.
Member Of Long Awkward Pause In Rehab, Will The Site Shut Down Before It Even Really Begins?
TBZ.com has recently learned that one member of the super blogging group; Long Awkward Pause was recently dragged to rehab by the other members. Long Awkward Pause was scheduled to make it’s blogging debut on or around August 1st and just may have to delay all dates for an undetermined amount of time.
One devoted reader was quoted as saying, “This is pure bullshit! I have been standing by my computer for a month now, waiting for August 1st to come, so I would be one of the first ones to read the posts. Total crap! I want my money back!”
TBZ.com has just learned that Long Awkward Pause is free, so we are not sure what that person is talking about.
TBZ.com has exclusive interviews with some of the members of LAP, including Justin Gawel, who apparently stumbled upon the scene that day.
TBZ.com: Justin, can you described what happened the morning of July, 27th?
Justin: Yes. I woke up early for some reason, before the alarm…don’t you hate that?
TBZ.com: Yes, but we are asking the questions. Please continue.
Justin: Oh, sure. So I kick out four LAP groupies out of my bed, which is a shame because they were fine…except the one with the one leg…oh, and she had only one arm too…and one eye…anyway, I go to brush my teeth, poop, and stuff…
TBZ.com: Can you fast forward to the part where you found Christopher De Voss, lying on the floor naked, on his phone, in his own vomit.
Justin: Oh, ok. So I find Christopher De Voss, lying on lying on the floor naked, on his phone, in his own vomit.
Justin: And I decide that that chick, with the one leg and stuff, was actually really cool. Like, I think eye-patches are hot!
TBZ.com decides to dig deeper into the story by interviewing a less flighty member of the group, Omawarisan.
TBZ.com: Can you comment on the happenings of the morning of July 27th involving one of your own being dragged naked kicking and screaming to rehab?
Omawarisan: I can not, but what I can comment on is that it’s almost impossible to try to work with a monkey! That’s right! I’m talking about Monk Monkey! Who the hell hires a monkey to write a blog?! I’m the genius of this group, and this simian is bringing my incredible thoughts and talent down! Did you know that whole flinging of their own poo is true?! Go to his house, you will see it’s full of poo! What the hell? How can I work like this? By the way, no autographs.
Rants: I swear if you don’t leave us alone, I will run a tank over you!
Chowderhead: I will talk to you, if you shove that pencil up your butt before you walk out of this restaurant.
Rants: Chowderhead, if you talk to these leeches, I will run a tank over you!
TBZ.com: I will stick the pencil up my butt. I don’t have a problem with that.
Chowderhead: Rants, you don’t think that would be hilarious?
Rants: I’m eating spaghetti. I just want to enjoy my spaghetti! You know how much I like spaghetti! Whatever. Make it quick.
Chowderhead: Ok. Here is what I know. Justin calls me from Chris’ house saying he is on the floor naked and covered in vomit. I say, stick a pencil up his butt. Justin says that he thinks he needs a doctor. I say, I’m tired of his addictions slowing us down and Justin should call the Betty Ford Candy Crush rehab center and to take Chris’ phone away from him, and give it to me. It’s a nice phone. Justin does all of that and then sticks a pencil up his butt. Now you do the same and go away.
After our reporter had the pencil removed in the emergency room he tracked down Monk Monkey and Mike Calahan visiting the Candy Crush Rehab center.
TBZ.com: Can you comment on the future of Long Awkward Pause?
Monk Monkey: Yes.
TBZ.com: Can you comment with more detail?
Monk Monkey: No.
Mike: Listen, Chris just got carried away playing Candy Crush. He would play it night and day until his work, family, and us suffered. He is going through the required 247 step program they provide here and all will be back on track. The August 1st deadline will gone on with or without him.
Monk Monkey: Do you want to know something funny? He had a pencil up his butt.
TBZ.com: It’s not that funny.
So there you have it. TBZ.com has learned that Christopher De Voss is in rehab for a Candy Crush addiction, supposedly the other members will go on, with or without him, Monk Monkey is actually a monkey, and never carry a pencil around when Chowderhead is in the room.